Thursday, March 12, 2009

Octo-Mom Meets Sperm Henry

Dear Ms. Suleman,

I hope you don't think this is too forward, but I just couldn't think of a better way to say this to you. Actually, if you look at my history, you'll see I usually don't think about much of anything :-)

My point is, I think you are perfectly normal and quite beautiful. Sure there are some who claim you are trying to look like Angelina Jolie, but trust me, I will never be one to make fun of your jelly-filled lips.

Nadya, I think we should get together. There are just moments in this hopefully short life when you realize you were made for someone even if they live in a different city. I really think we could be very good for each other.

I'm sure that last paragraph caught you off guard, so please just let me explain before you say no.

I'm not some stick guy writing out of his parent's basement. I'm well built and athletic. I played in the NFL for seven seasons and before that I played at Tennessee which is a big SEC school that has 90,000 fans at some games. I'm telling you, I've been to the top of the mountain and it's wonderful up there!

And lik
e you, I have multiple children. Nine to be exact. Nothing compared to what you have, but I know enough to understand your way of life. It's a little different since mine are by nine different mothers, but I still pay child support every month. I shell out about $19,000 a year for each one of those little bast...angels.

I'm sure you understand that this has left me without much of my own money. I know you are struggling financially as well and this is why I think we'd be perfect for each other. The networks may be able to resist giving you your own reality show because of public backlash, but can they resist the combined reproductive powers of bo
th of us? Your 14 kids combined with mine? It'd be like the Brady Bunch on HGH! There is no way Fox could resist that kind of television.

You may hear about me being engaged, but I assure you that isn't going to last. Every day I get up, it's all about how tetchy she gets whenever one of the children call. She keeps talking about responsibility and thinking ahead. As if anyone could just prevent those pregnancies from happening! They told me they were on the pill, it's not my fault!

I think you understand that. All I ask is that you give me a few dates so that I can show you I'm serious. Then we can bask in the glow of reality television and feed our children.

Look forward to getting together,

Travis Henry

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