Happy St. Patrick's Day. For Real This Time....

As you sit at your local Irish pub today sipping on some sort of Irish beer, drinking green Budweiser, or just imbibing some other libation, you are probably either:

A.) debating how much you can drink while still being productive at work tomorrow since the NCAA tournament will completely ruin you later this week
B.) keeping mental tabs on the women in the bar like a tiger stalking a herd of antelope, trying to figure out which one will let her inhibitions go first/whose friends will be most likely to allow her to wander off with some guy
C.) unemployed and don't really have much to do besides drink

No matter why you're out at the bar, you will no doubt run across some jackwad who will give you this haughty look and ask if you even know what St. Patrick's Day celebrates.

Well, if you don't already know, then here it is according to historians:

He was a missionary and he converted 120,000 druids from paganism to Christianity. He started over 300 churches and used the three-leafed clover to teach the Holy Trinity which is why the clover is the symbol of St. Patrick’s Day and Ireland itself.

According to historian William Federer (possibly related to tennis pro Roger Federer?), Patrick himself was actually born in nearby Wales. That is until Adrian Peterson and Chad Greenway rolled into town...

“Different Viking tribes began attacking and carrying away slaves, and Patrick was one of those carried away as a slave to Ireland,” says Federer. “He was there from 16 years old to 22 years old, when he had a dream in which he heard the Lord tell him to escape. So he did.”

Patrick returned to Ireland at age 40 to be a missionary. Just walked right up to pagan Chieftains and convinced them about the wonders of Christianity. The Catholic church sainted him in 664 A.D.

The leprechaun is part of the St. Patrick's Day celebration because....well, there is no reason. It's just a little addition by Americans, like de-spicing Chinese food or watering down beer.

So in conclusion, St. Patrick was a former Viking slave that escaped and then returned in the name of God. Sounds like a Hollywood movie except that instead of returning in the name of God, St. Patrick would escape and then return as a Jedi assassin to make his Viking captors pay for their crimes.

This is why we are drinking today, so if some long-haired Harvard graduate gets snotty with you about why you're celebrating today, you can give him the full story. Then find him later after you get a girl's number and yell "How do you like them apples!?" It would help if you actually look like Matt Damon.

Happy Green Wearing Drinking Day