Friday, May 28, 2010

Lessons For A Sideline Reporter

Ah, the sideline reporter.

No other collection of beautiful women and ex-athletes can bring us such a bevy of mindless crap to show us the atmosphere in the stands.

Yet for all the boring segments that bring absolutely nothing to the broadcast, there is always the chance for gold be it scheduled or not.

The latest nugget comes from YES reporter Kim Jones. This poor lady has to find something interesting in the stands for every Yankees game so this time she looks to the food court at the new Target Field in Minnesota.

What Ms. Jones doesn't realize is that waving a pork chop around at a Yankees game is like swimming with a bucket of chum in an ocean full of sharks.

She should know better, yet it seems that she is still surprised when the inevitable happens:

UPDATED NOTE: As you see above, the Yes Network and Major League Baseball has become the Gestapo, sniffing out and removing any/all videos that might show the little incident, so I'll sum it up:

Kim Jones was staring at the camera discussing something about pork chops as she waved one around in the air to emphasize her point. At some point during her stand-up, a Yankee fan (carrying a cheap beer) walked up behind her and took a bite out of the pork chop.

Jones was flabbergasted and stumbled over the rest of her moment. Then a giant hawk came down and took away her microphone while a group of badgers wearing Twins caps crawled up Ms. Jones' dress. She seemed both horrified and excited by this. Finally, a man in a Kermit the Frog uniform began firing a potato gun full of caramels into the crowd which gave everyone a sugar high and so everyone began an impromptu version of "American Pie" while Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer wept.

Not everything above is true, but since there is no longer video to refute it, you can make up any scene you want in your head. I like badgers.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

PantsCast May 25

Power for a 25 year old, snowball fights at the Super Bowl, and a superhero with a burrito in his pants.

Click here for burrito time!

Monday, May 24, 2010

Another Coach A Victim To Child Who Would Be King

I could care less that Mike Brown got fired as Cleveland Cavs head coach. I think it's funny that he won coach of the year last year and then got fired this year. That just shows you that winning a coaching award in the NBA is like winning a Grammy- it's a nice little piece of hardware to keep in your house to remind people of what you used to do when you're working as an insurance agent in ten years.

Brown didn't particularly look like he knew what was going on and his long term strategies were similar to those of a man named Cletus playing chess. He's gone now and I doubt you'll see him surface as a head guy anytime soon.

What is troubling about the firing is the wide speculation that LeBron James got Brown fired. The argument itself is pointless: Brown is gone. What stems from these discussions is the frightful amount of power that LeBron James has over the daily operations of an entire franchise.

LeBron was born in 1984 which makes him 25 years old right now. Yet he will decide on who gets hired in Cleveland next. The Cavs have to acquiesce to his demand if they want to keep him in Ohio.

And that's just messed up.

LeBron is an amazing basketball player. Without him, the Cavs sink in the standings and ticket sales sag. I get that.

But he's a 25 year old guy who knows nothing about running an organization. In fact, the thing that controls LeBron seems to be his ego above everything else. From his refusal to shake hands after losing the Orlando series last year to the removal of a video footage of a college guy dunking on him, LeBron look incredibly prone to the stupid little temper tantrums young people throw when their priorities are all out whack.

And the Cavs are prepared to go through LeBron to make all of the decisions. They have to. Or LeBron and the ticket sales will leave.

So while most 25 year-olds out there are finding out what it's like to be kicked in the teeth by life, whether it's by a fruitless job search, the sudden realization of how much money student loans rip out of your paycheck, or just how fleeting your job can be if a boss or co-worker just doesn't like you for some reason, LeBron is running an organization despite zero experience doing so.

You'll have to excuse me if I don't wear a Cavs jersey around.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

What The Cavs Need Is Jake Taylor

By now you've probably heard about the rumors concerning LeBron James' mom having and affair with James' teammate Delonte West.

James' lawyer says that's not true, but he's, you know, a lawyer. Others claim that it's absolutely true, but they don't exactly have...ahem...hard evidence.

True or not, this rumor is now being blamed for LeBron's sudden disappearance from the playoffs against the Celtics. The NBA MVP apparently found out about the affair during the series and just mentally checked out.

You could also probably blame Boston's nasty defense for shutting LeBron down, but for argument's sake, let's just say it was the affair. How do you rebound from that next year?

I'll tell you how.

The Cavaliers need to bring in Jake Taylor to soothe things out. Taylor, of course, is the aging catcher of the possibly fiction Cleveland Indians baseball team portrayed in the movie Major League.

Now Taylor is a baseball guy, so he can't be anything more than a consultant, but he played for the Indians so he's already familiar with Cleveland. Perhaps his signing will help lure LeBron back.

The real value of Taylor comes in the form of moderator between teammates. Remember in Major League, Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn was seduced by Roger Dorn's wife as an act of revenge against Dorn's cheating ways. Then she told Dorn! What a heartless bitch! Didn't she know there was a pennant to win?

Anyway, the Indians arrived at the ballpark to play the Yankees for the pennant only to find out Dorn knew the Vaughn had slept with his wife. It was a tense period, but Jake Taylor managed to sort the whole thing out and with his help, the Indians won.

Taylor has the history the Cavs need for a locker room presence, plus, he's a proven winner. In fact, when Taylor left Vaughn, I hear Vaughn fell back into drug use and even threatened his spouse with a knife. Oh to have the silky interpersonal touch of Jake Taylor back!

The Cavs have the issue of re-signing Lebron, but if they get him back, Taylor should come right afterwards. He can show LeBron the ropes while possibly even brining in Willie Mays Hayes for a pep talk. The result very well could be a trip to the Finals. Then the Cavs could win a championship in spectacular fashion and while they're all celebrating in a crowd, LeBron punches Delonte West, then helps him up and they all hug in euphoria. I haven't decided if LeBron's mom would be part of that hug.

It's a Hollywood ending for Cleveland.

You Know That You're Stressed When...

Imagine being at the library doing some research/studying when this scene plays out in front of you:

Now in New York City, people are used to this kind of nonsense happening, so they play along and even applaud in the end.

Now imagine your city (if your city happens to be New York, just eat some 'shrooms and imagine. Just like John Lennon told you to do.)

Would people be as understanding? Would they treat this scene as a funny little occurrence in their day or would they get upset that their meticulously scheduled life took a detour? Would they even get the reference?

I firmly believe that here in Dallas, those guys would have been asked to leave by a librarian. But I could be wrong.

Wait, are there still public libraries that are that full of people?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Hanson Sings The Blues

Remember Hanson? Those little guys who sang MmmmmBop? Of course you remember them. You listened to that song! Yes, you! Don't go hiding and denying, you loved that stuff even if you secretly listened to it when no one was around. There are album sales to prove it.

I don't know what those guys have been doing besides growing up and getting married (did you know the middle one is actually a guy? I thought he was a cute girl back in the day), but they're back with a nice little ode to 60's soul.

Speaking of odes, if this video looks familiar, that's because you've probably seen it in the movie Blues Brothers before. Check it.

Now here is the Blues Brothers version:

Pretty close. Accept that the Hanson kid is white and not blind. And not Ray Charles. But you get the point. Nicely done, boys.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

PantsCast May 17

Where for art thou King James, the unfortunate life of the power pig, and a new segment called "what's wrong with humans."

Pantsing full speed ahead, click here to jump the train.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Are We Supposed to Applaud?

Trey Kerby of Yahoo Sports gave us what is supposed to be an uplifting article about how Kenny Anderson went back to get a degree after he fell on hard times after basketball. I get it. This guy didn't become just another statistic in the book of sports stars who fell apart after their career ended.

Is it really uplifting though?

For those of you who aren't aware, Kenny Anderson was a New York City baskeball phenom in the late 1980's and wound up as the second pick of the NBA draft in 1991. Talk about winning the lottery.

He made $60 million over his career, yet because of big spending (several luxury cars and expensive parties: just general lifestyles of the rich and famous stuff), and loose living (seven children by five mothers), Anderson ended up broke.

Now we're supposed to line up and give him love for going back to college and getting a degree? Okay.

Congratulations Kenny, you are not a complete and total failure as a human being.

But you did act like an idiot and somehow blew through $60 million. Excuse me if I'm not falling all over myself to shake his hand. Have you seen the economy? There are gobs of people who already have college degrees who end up working at the local Wal-Mart because there is absolutely nothing out there.

I know what the President has said about the econonmy finally turning around. I'll believe him when I manage to go to my local dog park one day and not meet at least one person who's out of work or completely under-employed.

While Kenny Anderson had several mansions, there are thousands of people like me out there who already got an education like we were told to do and now get to feel the sting of education loan payments every month. None of us got to have $60 million to start with.

So congrats Kenny. You aren't a homeless drug addict. But I hope you still speak to your den of children and that they have every opportunity to succeed with your child support payments and the mother isn't driving around in a Mercedes while wearing a fur coat.

It's called life; the majority of us deal with it every day. Welcome to the party, Kenny.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Eat Pure Pain

We always hear about athletes pushing their bodies to the brink during intense workouts.

Most fans can talk about how they benched 350 pounds or ran a 4.3 40 yard dash in high school (actually they benched 295 pounds...once and only ran a 4.3 because it was a 30 yard dash), but the only thing they lift now are beer bottles and the only thing involving the numbers 4 and 3 is the 43 inch waist size of their pants.

But here's a way to push yourself to the limits if you're a couch potato fan today. It doesn't involve gorging yourself on pounds of food or imbibing a bottle of tequila. No, this involves a relatively small amount of food.

And an intense amount of pain.

Ladies and gents, I give you the Bhut Jolokia chili pepper. Also known as the Ghost Chili. Also known as death with a stem.

Think you're tough? Did you eat those Habenero soaked chicken wings in under eight minutes? Good. Now it's time to move on. The Bhut Jolokia is more than ten times hotter than a Habenero pepper.

Jalapenos are for wussies. You can eat those at midnight after waking from a dead sleep. Don't bother with them any more. Take a swing at the big boy.

It's the hottest chili in the world. You talk a big game, now back it up. Take on the champ.

Of course, you may end up like this guy:

Let the spirit of competition consume you! And beware the burning ring of fire.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Ye Ole PantsCast May 10

Drugs, Rape, a possible seismic shift in college football and JaMarcus is summed up in song.

Click Here to Listen. Do it for the children in Nashville.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Who Would You Rather Have?

Whew! There are so many things going on in the world of sporting activities, that I'm going to have to prioritize here and just post as often as I can.

Let's start with the first story:

If you haven't read the Sports Illustrated article about Ben Roethlisberger, you're in for a treat. The article sends Ben from just a player with idiot tendencies to a full blown pile of garbage. Face it, the guy is a jerk and the Steelers are well within their rights to consider getting rid of him.

But who would they bring in to replace Big Ben? Roethlisberger is a failed human, but he's a good football player and his ability to shake off tacklers and make plays when none are there is the only reason why the Steelers score points. A smallish quarterback who goes down in the arms of blitzing defenders won't get it done.

So who can replace Big Ben? Well, how about Gentle Ben?

It's the same first name and both Ben's are over-sized for the quarterback position. Let's look at the comparison of two Ben's that might helm the quarterback position for the Steelers:

Big Ben: 6'5" 240 lbs.

-Two time Super Bowl Champion.
-Ability to scramble and make plays when things break down on the offensive line.
-Ability to drink heavily and remain in playing shape.
-Hard to bring down on blitzes.
-Hard to bring down by the law.
-Spectacular player at Uno card game.

-Reckless in his personal life.
-Has asked Steelers to let him play without a helmet.
-Tendency to nearly die when riding his motorcycle.
-Certifiable moron.
-Scrambling tendency opens him up to fumbling the ball.
-Gives half-hearted apologies
-Generally viewed as an arrogant, inconsiderate, bad human being who has somehow worn out his welcome in Pittsburgh despite winning two Super Bowls.
-Tendency to rape.
-Dresses like a douchebag.
-Is a douchebag.

Gentle Ben 6'11" 432 lbs

-Better person than Roethlisberger.
-Good with kids.
-Weighs more than most football players and will be difficult to bring down.
-Will accept payment in honey.
-Not likely to be accused of sexual assault.
-Doesn't ride motorcycles outside of a circus.
-Often wrestles for charity.
-Very good at gin rummy.

-Not technically a person
-Difficult to find a uniform that fits him.
-Claws tend to puncture football.
-Difficult to understand cadence.
-Often raids team refrigerator.
-Has pulled a "Najeh Davenport" and pooped in a laundry hamper before
-Would rather play football in Chicago
-Will miss two games each year to salmon hunt in Alaska
-Probably isn't alive since the average black bear's life span is around 30 years and Gentle Ben aired in the late 60's

So there you go, a comparison of two possible quarterback situations in Pittsburgh. Big Ben will most likely retain his job, but only due to the fact that Gentle Ben is currently not alive.

Roethlisberger will hopefully attempt to rehabilitate his image, but the stain he's left on the carefully built Rooney family image is substantial and I wouldn't be surprised if fans would like to see him replaced by another species.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

PantsCast May 4

A bomb nearly shakes Jason's ventilation shaft, Dirty Harry jogging in Texas, NBA and NHL playoff talk, and more about the walking disaster known as JaMarcus.

It's time, baby. It is time.