Saturday, May 22, 2010

What The Cavs Need Is Jake Taylor

By now you've probably heard about the rumors concerning LeBron James' mom having and affair with James' teammate Delonte West.

James' lawyer says that's not true, but he's, you know, a lawyer. Others claim that it's absolutely true, but they don't exactly have...ahem...hard evidence.

True or not, this rumor is now being blamed for LeBron's sudden disappearance from the playoffs against the Celtics. The NBA MVP apparently found out about the affair during the series and just mentally checked out.

You could also probably blame Boston's nasty defense for shutting LeBron down, but for argument's sake, let's just say it was the affair. How do you rebound from that next year?

I'll tell you how.

The Cavaliers need to bring in Jake Taylor to soothe things out. Taylor, of course, is the aging catcher of the possibly fiction Cleveland Indians baseball team portrayed in the movie Major League.

Now Taylor is a baseball guy, so he can't be anything more than a consultant, but he played for the Indians so he's already familiar with Cleveland. Perhaps his signing will help lure LeBron back.

The real value of Taylor comes in the form of moderator between teammates. Remember in Major League, Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn was seduced by Roger Dorn's wife as an act of revenge against Dorn's cheating ways. Then she told Dorn! What a heartless bitch! Didn't she know there was a pennant to win?

Anyway, the Indians arrived at the ballpark to play the Yankees for the pennant only to find out Dorn knew the Vaughn had slept with his wife. It was a tense period, but Jake Taylor managed to sort the whole thing out and with his help, the Indians won.

Taylor has the history the Cavs need for a locker room presence, plus, he's a proven winner. In fact, when Taylor left Vaughn, I hear Vaughn fell back into drug use and even threatened his spouse with a knife. Oh to have the silky interpersonal touch of Jake Taylor back!

The Cavs have the issue of re-signing Lebron, but if they get him back, Taylor should come right afterwards. He can show LeBron the ropes while possibly even brining in Willie Mays Hayes for a pep talk. The result very well could be a trip to the Finals. Then the Cavs could win a championship in spectacular fashion and while they're all celebrating in a crowd, LeBron punches Delonte West, then helps him up and they all hug in euphoria. I haven't decided if LeBron's mom would be part of that hug.

It's a Hollywood ending for Cleveland.

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