Friday, May 7, 2010

Who Would You Rather Have?


Whew! There are so many things going on in the world of sporting activities, that I'm going to have to prioritize here and just post as often as I can.

Let's start with the first story:

If you haven't read the Sports Illustrated article about Ben Roethlisberger, you're in for a treat. The article sends Ben from just a player with idiot tendencies to a full blown pile of garbage. Face it, the guy is a jerk and the Steelers are well within their rights to consider getting rid of him.

But who would they bring in to replace Big Ben? Roethlisberger is a failed human, but he's a good football player and his ability to shake off tacklers and make plays when none are there is the only reason why the Steelers score points. A smallish quarterback who goes down in the arms of blitzing defenders won't get it done.

So who can replace Big Ben? Well, how about Gentle Ben?

It's the same first name and both Ben's are over-sized for the quarterback position. Let's look at the comparison of two Ben's that might helm the quarterback position for the Steelers:

Big Ben: 6'5" 240 lbs.

Pros:
-Two time Super Bowl Champion.
-Ability to scramble and make plays when things break down on the offensive line.
-Ability to drink heavily and remain in playing shape.
-Hard to bring down on blitzes.
-Hard to bring down by the law.
-Spectacular player at Uno card game.

Cons:
-Reckless in his personal life.
-Has asked Steelers to let him play without a helmet.
-Tendency to nearly die when riding his motorcycle.
-Certifiable moron.
-Scrambling tendency opens him up to fumbling the ball.
-Gives half-hearted apologies
-Generally viewed as an arrogant, inconsiderate, bad human being who has somehow worn out his welcome in Pittsburgh despite winning two Super Bowls.
-Tendency to rape.
-Dresses like a douchebag.
-Is a douchebag.

Gentle Ben 6'11" 432 lbs

Pros:
-Better person than Roethlisberger.
-Good with kids.
-Weighs more than most football players and will be difficult to bring down.
-Will accept payment in honey.
-Not likely to be accused of sexual assault.
-Doesn't ride motorcycles outside of a circus.
-Often wrestles for charity.
-Very good at gin rummy.

Cons:
-Not technically a person
-Difficult to find a uniform that fits him.
-Claws tend to puncture football.
-Difficult to understand cadence.
-Often raids team refrigerator.
-Has pulled a "Najeh Davenport" and pooped in a laundry hamper before
-Would rather play football in Chicago
-Will miss two games each year to salmon hunt in Alaska
-Probably isn't alive since the average black bear's life span is around 30 years and Gentle Ben aired in the late 60's

So there you go, a comparison of two possible quarterback situations in Pittsburgh. Big Ben will most likely retain his job, but only due to the fact that Gentle Ben is currently not alive.

Roethlisberger will hopefully attempt to rehabilitate his image, but the stain he's left on the carefully built Rooney family image is substantial and I wouldn't be surprised if fans would like to see him replaced by another species.

2 comments:

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