PantsCast July 28- Fantasy Football Preview TE

Death of the Assassin, Dallas drama in training camp, and the preview of fantasy tight ends. Plus I girl who doesn't understand the sense of smell in What's Wrong With Humans.

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Alabama Albatross?

Call it Crimson Tide corpulence or Bama blubber. Call it whatever you want, but it could be a problem down there in Tuscaloosa.

Not a huge problem, at least not in the sense that it's a major concern to Nick Saban. After all, he just won a national championship, so how bad can things be?

Well, for two years in a row now, an Alabama players has come into to the NFL with considerable baggage. As in girth. Too much actually.

Remember last year when we were all assaulted with the awful image of man-boobs during Bama lineman Andre Smith's workout for the NFL? Here's a reminder:



Yummy.

Smith was still selected by the Bengals as a top ten pick despite his obvious conditioning issue. He held out of training camp, then came in and promptly broke his foot. Season lost. We'll see what he does this year.

Apparently that wasn't a singular problem for a player coming out of Alabama. This year, nose tackle Terrance Cody (his nickname of Mount Cody might give you a hint to his body type) failed his conditioning test and is not allowed to participate in Baltimore Ravens training camp.

I know offensive lineman and nose tackles don't need to look like Greek statues to do their jobs, but not being allowed to practice is pretty extreme in that fatty department.

At least these guys aren't involved in sexual assault cases (insert fat joke here as to why), but in a region of the country that's already under fire for the astounding number of obese citizens, the Crimson Tide are quickly developing a reputation that will make them the butt (see?) of many jokes.

So Bama fans can hold up there pointer finger to let everyone know that they won the title, but you don't win those every year and when the victories stop, the critics will pile on. I'm not even trying anymore.

The Haze Game

NFL Veteran: "Hey, rookie. Carry my shoulder pads back to the locker room."

NFL Rookie: "I'm not here to carry your shoulder pads. Carry them yourself."

Fan of team: "Aw crap."

There's nothing logical about NFL rookie hazing. The embarrassing haircuts, ice water baths (mixed with some pretty rank stuff), food runs 30 minutes before the team charter is supposed to leave the airport. It's all unneeded and completely over the top in what is supposed to be a professional atmosphere.

But this is the NFL. There's nothing logical about anything you do. If there's a guy who outweighs you by 70 pounds running straight at you, logic would suggest you get the hell out of his way. Football logic says you go crashing into him, compressing your spine and rattling your brain.

It's a bizarre, violent world here which is why Dez Bryant needs to shut up and carry the damn shoulder pads. Bryant says he's here to play football, not carry people's equipment. I agree with him. And I think he should shut up and do what he's asked.

It's like an African savanna where the males of a certain species are all posturing and showing their power. When an elder male does a dance and violently approaches a younger one, the younger one bows down, submits to the older one and then life goes on. The younger one will have his day in the sun, just not yet.

And that's where we run into the real problem here at Dallas Cowboys' training camp. The older animal doing the posturing is the one the younger animal was drafted to replace.

Roy Williams has been nothing short of a disaster since the Cowboys overpaid in a trade to get him. What's worse, as bad as Williams has been on the field for the Cowboys, he's been just as delusional off of the field. After a season where Miles Austin became the clear go to guy for the team, Williams has been spouting off about how he's always been the guy no matter where he's played and how he considers himself the number one receiver even though he's the only one who believes this.

To summarize, you've got a veteran desperately holding onto his star power and you have a prized incoming rookie who has been called the biggest incoming talent since Randy Moss blew the NFL up a decade ago.

It's a tense situation. One that takes sacrifice for both players. If Roy accepted Dez and played a diminished roll in the Cowboys offense (third wideout, slot receiver, whatever), the Cowboys offense could hum like never before. Dez, however, has to make sure he placates ole Roy's ego and admits that he's just the rookie no matter how good he is.

It hasn't been a good start and now the situation among Dallas recievers has become tense and while Dez Bryant may clearly be the better talent, he is still just a rookie who needs to prove to teammates that he'll be there when the chips are down during the season.

My guess is that other Cowboys veterans will now step in to squash the uprising of Dez. They may like him more than Roy, they may think he gives them a better chance to win, they may secretly hope Roy gets traded or cut. It doesnt matter, Bryant is a rookie. There doesn't have to be any logic used.

What Took You So Long?

Apparently the backlash from the ESPN LeBron love-fest titled The Decision still isn't over.

Wednesday night, ESPN ombudsman Don Ohlmeyer posted a column on the ESPN website ripping the network for running a program that he said "pandered to a superstar" and gave in to a "celebration of greed, ego and excess."

That is all true. And we already know that, Don.

The thing I look at the most in the column has nothing to do with the 4600 words in it. It's the date at the top.

Late July? The thing aired on July 8.

ESPN managed to put together an hour long television disaster in a day. Yet, the station watchdog needs two weeks to post a column condemning it?

Don't fall for this blatant public relations attempt at smoothing things over.

The executives know that they screwed up royally by running The Decision. Viewers let them know. Just read the gazillion articles out there ripping it. The only person delusional enough to think that the show was a good idea is LeBron himself.

ESPN says nothing for weeks about it, sees that their brand has taken a big hit, then rolls out the watchdog to slap them on the wrist and say, No!

Bad ESPN! Don't do that again, or no free passes to Disneyland for you!

So thank you Mr. Ohlmeyer for confirming what we already knew. Try to react with your viewers next time instead of waiting for an arsenal of hate mail to arrive before you admit the mistake.

Go Thunder.

He's a Little Bit Country

Awww. Little Colt McCoy got himself married.

I would too with a girlfriend that hot, but I'm not a legendary quarterback at Texas.

Anyway, check out the little song his friend Jordan Shipley wrote for him. It starts out as just a generic sappy wedding song in country form, but about halfway through you'll hear a little zinger aimed at another young quarterback.

And so the rivalry begins....

Tim Tebow Penetrates Colt McCoy's Wedding Song @ Yahoo! Video

PantsCast July 19

It's fantasy football preview time! Today we tackle the quarterback position. Who are some good signal callers who aren't named Drew Brees or Peyton Manning? (Don't worry, we aren't going to say Tom Brady). What do you do if you miss out on one of the top QB's? Draft grenades and draft torpedoes.

Plus, we sort of preview the second half of the baseball season and everyone's favorite segment: What's Wrong With Humans.

Click Here if you want to live.

Why Do I Like This Commercial?

I've said before that I don't like television commercials that try to be quirky just for the sake of being quirky. You've seen the ones I'm referring to: they don't makes any sense at all and that seems to be what the director was trying to do.

I've also said that I don't like commercials that make babies and animals talk. It just seems unnatural to me when that financial baby is sitting in an airplane seat telling me about how he takes care of his own stocks. I can dig when babies are thinking something, but when their mouths move and form actual words, it freaks me out.

So why do I like a Kia commercial with rapping hamsters? It's a bizarre premise full of absurd images and the hamsters actually rap. I crack up every single time I see it. Maybe it's because the commercial looks like 90% of the rap videos I've seen where the artists are taking themselves incredibly seriously, yet can be mimicked by a bunch of rodents:



I'm confused. I think I'll go buy a car. Or a pet hamster.

Lay Up

LeBron James' self-absorbed joke of a special is being ripped apart by 99% of the sports fans in this country.

So naturally comedians had to ridicule it and I think Steve Carell and Paul Rudd did as good of a job as we could hope for at the ESPY's last night.

Try to forget for a moment that ESPN was the station that allowed The Decision to air along with creating softball questions that it's minions lobbed at LeBron while every dead journalist turned over in their grave. Just enjoy the comedy that came out that horrible sports special:

PantsCast July 12

The aftermath of LeBron, the MLB trade that thankfully didn't happen, viva España, but will anyone around here care next time? Also, a stupid pedophile, which I guess is good in the whole scheme of things.

Pull the pin, Click here to listen.

Back From The Ledge

I was almost there.

First the LeBron nonsense (and every bit of the was nonsense) left me feeling not so much sick, but just hollow inside. I wasn't disappointed in LeBron, but that was because I didn't expect anything less than a full ego bath from him.

Then the Yankees had to step in and give me a double shot of suck.

Cliff Lee, the Seattle stud pitcher was on his way to everywhere from Minnesota to Tampa Bay via trade. I'm a Rangers fan, so I of course wanted him to go to Texas, but being a Rangers fan, I knew that somehow that probably wouldn't work out. Pitching never does down here.

That was okay. I wouldn't mind Lee in a Twins, Rays, or any other uniform. Except one.

And then it happened. Suddenly, the Yankees became the front runner for Lee. The Yanks. The team that already bought C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Javier Vazquez. Oh and they have Andy Petite too. If they added Lee, the team would literally have five All-Star pitchers on the team.

This is a team with the richest lineup in baseball. The infield makes more than several entire teams and they put up like numbers. They are the favorites to win the World Series again. Easily.

When the news came down, I talked to some of my Yankee friends about it and this is the part that kills me: they weren't even that excited about it. One of my friends actually said "I'm not really excited, but I'm not upset by it."

Well, that's good. I'm glad you're not angry that your team is getting another All-Star pitcher.

Could there be a better example of a spoiled rotten fan? They don't even get excited about major aquisition because they're so used to their team just stockpiling talent.

I was prepared to proclaim the competitive spirit of sports dead. There was no longer a balanced fight between two champions trying to get the ultimate prize. This was more of a way to circumvent rules in place to keep competitive balance or just the rich getting richer.

I don't blame the Yankees for what they do, it's perfectly within the rules. The system just happens to be broken in the MLB and New York is the poster child for how out of whack that it is.

But just as my hands were flying up in the air, something amazing happened: Lee didn't actually go to the Yankees. The fact that he went to the Rangers was just icing on the cake for me. The point is that New York finally didn't win the battle for aquiring talent. I've been pulled off the ledge.

At least until the end of baseball season when the Yankees outbid everyone and get Cliff Lee anyway.

The Day The King Died

So that decision is over and LeBron is off to the Miami Heat.

Some of the Facebook and Twitter posts I see range in tenacity, but they all say basically the same thing:

-It's easy to root against LeBron now
-Real competitors don't go to a superstar team to win
-The very short and sweet "F*ck you LeBron."

I'm guessing that's the just of the messages originating anywhere outside of Miami. I know this whole extravaganza has just been beaten to death, so I'll try to be short and sweet.

#1: ESPN is now officially a joke. What a pathetic display of "journalism." They spent an hour lofting softballs at LeBron so he could have his little one hour not variety hour. That made me sicker than ESPN usually makes me. Every person involved in that should go apologize to Edward R. Morrow tonight. It was fitting the Stuart Scott lead that thing.

#2: Let's get everything straight with what we're complaining about. Most people bitch about how athletes just follow the money wherever they go. This is not that case. This move was made to win championships. Remember that the next time you whine about a guy following the money.

Here are my conclusions:

LeBron is no longer the King. The King doesn't worry about joining other superstars to ensure a championship. Jordan stuck with the same team and it took him years to win. Then he won six. Hakeem spent years missing championships. He got his two at the end of his career. But it was his team. The Bad Boys were together for years before they got their two. Guys who won early like Magic, Bird, and Duncan got lucky enough to be drafted by teams that were ready to go.

What LeBron has done is effectively take the alpha out of his male. He's no longer the guy you build a team around because he can't handle being a foundation. He's not strong enough.

It's funny because LeBron kept talking about his legacy. His decison was made because he wanted to have his championship legacy. Well, maybe he'll get a ring, maybe he'll get several. It won't matter, his legacy is already tarnished. He couldn't hack it alone. He'll never live that down no matter how many rings he gets.

This is a guy who was given everything in Cleveland. Don't like what the G.M. is doing? He's gone. Don't trust the coach? See ya Mike Brown! Cleveland fans hung on his every word (which I'd think would be a plus for a man of that ego.) He was the hometown kid; whatever he wanted within reason would have been given to him. He was the man. Not for the Cavs, but for the entire city.

And it wasn't enough that LeBron just left Cavs fans out to dry. He had to call a one hour ego-fest to let Cleveland know that he didn't think he could be successful there. Imagine getting dumped by your hot boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse via cable television. They couldn't just leave you a note. They had to embaress you too.

Now James lies with Art Modell in the catacombs of Cleveland sports. He's reviled and he won't be forgiven soon by the jilted fan base. He was their shining light and he lit them on fire.

Look, it's a free country, but when you make the money these guys do, I think you have a civic duty to a city that drafts you. It doesn't always work out and I'm in no way saying guys should be stuck with whatever team that drafted them. But James had everything he wanted in Cleveland and he still left them. And he strung along fans while he did so.

This sets a dangerous precedent. Future stars may see this move as their chance to manufacture a championship. It goes against every priciple of sports competiton.

And what happens to teams located in places like Utah and Sacramento? Obviously, Cleveland doesn't have as much to offer as a South Beach for a young hip-hop guy like LeBron. Neither do places like Indianapolis or Milwaukee. They aren't bad cities and they have great basketball fans, but they just aren't big night scenes that young, rich guys might like. So should the Kings, Bucks, Pacers, Jazz, and others just pack up shop?

Tonight was a sad night that struck most people as a complete farce and insult to the competitive spirit of professional sports. While this might be a low moment, have no fear. Kevin Durant quietly signed an extention with the Oklahoma City Thunder. No bells and whistles, no hour long specials, not even a big market. The Thunder are young and talented. You now have your anti-Heat to root for, the ying to the Heat's yang.

Go Thunder.

PantsCast July 6

NBA insanity, Dutch delight, All-Star snubs, paid off by popcorn, and our favorite fatty strikes again.

Click Here and feast.

The Moment of Epic Cheese?

I know I'm a little behind on posting this. My thought is that I purposely ignored it in the interest of my mental health, but it needs to be out there if only as a deterrent for future artists.

Before we begin, let's all get on the same page. Sports arenas are one area where cheesy music is totally allowed. Hair bands, little pop hits, Mmm Bop, Spice Girls... it's all allowed.

We retch when "Who Let The Dogs Out" comes on our radio, but if it's played at a Cleveland Browns game, it doesn't seem so out of place. Nothing represents cheese like the Macarena, but I distinctly recall an entire stadium of Yankees fans doing it. Oh yeah, don't deny it macho boy. You might be strutting around with your hat sideways now, but you were putting your hands on your hips then.

The point is that sports arenas are generally a safe place for songs that might otherwise be ridiculed in a smaller setting.

That's why this song is so amazing. Scott Stapp (he of Creed fame) decided to write a song for his beloved Florida Marlins. Yes, the Marlins have fans apparently.

I guess his heart is in the right place, but I really can't understand how this is going to capture the imaginations of the other teal wearing baseball types in South Florida. Even in a sports setting, this song is so cheesy, it reaches Velveeta levels.

But maybe I'm being too harsh, so you decide for yourself: charismatic sports anthem or queso?