So That's Why I'm Drinking Tecate.....

Here at SportsPants I'm constantly trying to bring you the truth to matters such as holidays. It's the fifth of May and people are celebrating. They don't know what they're celebrating, but they're celebrating.

By now most people know that Cinco De Mayo is not the Mexican Independence Day. But that's about all they know. So I'm here to tell you what you are celebrating when you eat an extra helping of tacos and quaff that turbo-sized margarita tonight.

First of all, Cinco de Mayo is strictly a Mexican holiday. So don't go walking around to every brown person you see and yell "Felize Cinco de Mayo!" That actually may do more harm than good since Hispanics who aren't from Mexico seem to believe we idiot Americans think every Latino is Mexican and it pisses them off.

Secondly, it's true that the Mexican Independence Day is actually in September, but the Mexicans did win a large battle on May 5th. Back in the 1860's when Americans were busy killing each other over the issues of slavery, whether to say "youz guys" or "y'all", and the sweetness level of iced tea, the French had a leader named Napoleon III (no, not that Napoleon, but a Napoleon nonetheless.)

Napoleon III had his giant French army of 8,000 or so land in Mexico to "collect debts." The army was actually there to take over Mexico City and rule the country. Napoleon figured since the U.S. was a bit busy at the time, there would be no army to opposed him in the Western Hemisphere.

But that didn't happen because an army of 4,000 Mexicans ended up defeating the French army and driving them out of Mexico. It's like the story of the Alamo, but with a happy ending.

So we're celebrating today because the someone held off the French Army. Doesn't quite hold the same accomplishment today as it once did. No wonder no one really talks about Cinco de Mayo.

Here, just watch the video. And watch out for bitter Hispanics, you honky. And stop drinking Corona please. At least show Mexicans enough respect to drink a Negro Modelo or such.