Friday, May 1, 2009


I am back to a computer again! I managed to avoid the swine flu for today and can therefore share my very unprofessional notes from the NFL Draft.

I was at the draft and made notes on the first round picks. These weren't notes taken by a draft expert who will take credit for picks that turn out well, but will somehow avoid any contact with high picks on their board that didn't pan out so well.

No, these are notes from the perspective of a football fan who only knows what he reads in the paper and sees on the picture box and can laugh at the risible picks made by the Raiders and grumble to himself as the next Patriots pick becomes a Pro-Bowler.

Let us look back at my draft notes*

*notes were made whilst consuming multiple beers, so they may not always make sense. But they did in my head at the time.


Detroit Lions-Matthew Stafford: Everyone knew this one. Fans boo. Stafford says in an interview that "I'm just going to put my nose to the ground and work." My friend Joe asks "what is he doing, sniffing for truffles?" Maybe he is. And he'll be paid over $40 million to do so. No wonder truffle oil is so expensive.

St. Louis Rams- Jason Smith: We found ourselves a crier, but nothing compared to Vernon Davis a few years ago. I find it odd that a player from Baylor, which is a Baptist university, is going to the home city of Budweiser beer. Something's gotta give. At least he didn't go to BYU. Looking at the Rams hat he's wearing. Joe comments on NFL insignias that go "whoosh" like the Patriots and Seahawks logo. We'll need to discuss later.

Kansas City Chiefs- Tyson Jackson: I guess Scott Pioli is taking that Patriots creed of "pick someone who isn't on the draft boards and turn him into a Pro-Bowler" with him to K.C. Either Dr. Jellyfinger has just given an anal probe to Aaron Curry, or Curry is flabbergasted that the Chiefs didn't pick him.

Seattle Seahawks- Aaron Curry: Another crier and Curry isn't stopping the waterworks. Great pick for Seattle...Curry is a good fit there. My God that green Seattle hat is the most awful thing I've seen in a while. It looks toxic.

Side Note: We watched the draft on NFL Network so that we could avoid as much ESPN as possible. And Deion Sanders is working there.

Deion is killing me. Stop asking what they're going to do with the money. They will all thank God and buy their parent's a house. Now go home Deion.

New York Jets- Mark Sanchez: JETS TRADE WITH BROWNS! WOW! Mangini trades with his old team. Sanchez is a Jet. WOW WOW WOW. Mangini got players he liked and a couple of picks. All in all, it worked out well for the Jets considering how high up they moved. Screw you Redskins. Now deal with an angry Jason Campbell.

Cincy Bengals - Andre Smith: Makes TOTAL sense. Idiot goes to the ground zero of morons.

Oakland Raiders- Darius Heyward Bay: I....can' stupid...........Heyward Bay is a big, fast receiver from Maryland who can't catch. Vernon Davis anyone?

Jacksonville Jaguars- Eugene Monroe: He fell. Solid pick. Anyone who had Maurice Jones Drew or David Garrard on their fantasy team last year knows the Jags need linemen bad. Crabtree is still on the board.

Green Bay Packers- B.J. Raji: They really need a fatty to plug things up with Adrian Peterson and Matt Forte in the division. My girlfriend loves the fat players, kickers, and players from University of Colorado. She would be a Packers fan if that team wasn't in Wisconsin.

San Francisco-Michael Crabtree: Finally! I bet Singletary has pulled his pants down again after this pick. Crabtree is an extremely productive college player who was marked down for being a system receiver and for lacking top end speed. Sounds like Jerry Rice's draft report. He worked out pretty well.

Buffalo Bills- Aaron Maybin: Needed the pass rush help. I think they took Maybin because he's from Penn State and won't be as shocked with the Buffalo weather. Plus, the Bills fans love Penn State linebacker Paul Posluszny and therefore the pick can be a P.R. move to counter the eventual P.R. disaster provided by Terrell Owens at some point.

Denver Broncos- Knowshon Moreno: Mike Shanahan is rolling over in his grave right now. Wait, he's not dead. Well, he's just gnawing on a piece of lumber then. I love Moreno, but did anyone see the Denver defense last year? Can Moreno play nose tackle? Get ready for some 51-49 AFL type game at Mile High this year.

Washington Redskins- Brian Orakpo: Damnit. As a Texas fan, I was hoping Orakpo wouldn't go to the Skins. Now I must root for his failure. And Texas can't really afford anymore first round busts. I'm screwed.

New Orleans Saints- Malcolm Jenkins: Saints could have drafted a lowland gorilla and it would have upgraded the secondary. I expect the Saints to go after a set of crutches for Reggie Bush in the next round.

Houston Texans- Brian Cushing: First USC linebacker to go. Cushing now will be swallowed up by the black hole that his the high draft pick laden, yet underachieving Texans defense. Serves Cushing right. I hate players that go cross-country to a school to be at a top program. I don't know why, but it bothers me. There are plenty of schools between New Jersey and USC that Cushing could have gone to.

San Diego Chargers- Larry English: Seems like an odd pick to me, but my friend Joe says just sit back and let A.J. Smith work. Okay, but the Chargers still don't have a Super Bowl title to show.

Tampa Bay Bucs- Josh Freeman: They were interested in him the whole time. Does he have a twin brother? Does that brother not play football? How odd. And there is Jon Gruden who was fired for not settling on a quarterback. He's at the NFL Network now. Looks pissed. But that's how he always looks.

Denver Broncos- Robert Ayers: Ah, a defensive pick. I guess that will be useful.

Philly Eagles- Jeremy Maclin: How the hell did Maclin fall this far? Well, D-Nabb has his receivers now. My only hope is that the Eagles get the receivers up and running only to have D-Nabb leave. That would be funny and the bastard Philly fan deserves it.

Detroit Lions- Brandon Pettigrew: I thought the Lions would go defense, but I guess they're trying to get Stafford a security blanket to throw to as his line lets in five different rushers to kill him.

Cleveland Browns- Alex Mack: Huh. A center. Well, the Browns d0 need help there. He'll get a staph infection at some point.

Minnesota Vikings- Percy Harvin: This could be a huge pick. He's a game breaker. Just don't let him near a party boat.

Baltimore Ravens- Michael Oher: Again! Why do great players keep falling to teams I hate? At least Rey Maualuga didn't go. I couldn't handle that.

Atlanta Falcons- Peria Jerry: Good defensive tackles are hard to find. I'm drunk now and that's really all I can say.

Miami Dolphins- Vontae Davis: Vernon's brother. At least he's across the country so Vernon's suckiness won't wear off on him.

Green Bay Packers- Clay Matthews Jr III: Matthews continues his family NFL tradition of playing football in beautiful southern Cal only to be drafted by a mid-western team that plays in cold and nasty weather. At least his uncle Bruce made it to Houston.

Indianapolis Colts- Donald Brown: Well, that's the end of Joseph Addai's fantasy appeal. Brown seems like a good guy. He belongs on the Colts.

Buffalo Bills- Eric Wood: I'm not even going to pretend I care.

New York Giants- Hakeem Nicks: Crap. Solid pick. I like Nicks. Good job Giants. Damnit.

Tennessee Titans- Kenny Britt: The Titans need wideout help. And who would give a franchise tag to Bo Scaife? What's going on there?

Arizona Cardinals- Beanie Wells: I don't even recognize the Cardinals anymore. A good pick late in the round. Bye Bye Edge.

Pittsburgh Steelers- Evander Hood: Sure. Why not. I need some water.....

So there is my notes from the first round of the NFL draft. I will hopefully have my podcast up soon. By soon I mean before the end of May at my current rate. Timely, huh?

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