Thursday, April 2, 2009

This Industry Keeps Getting Funnier....

Yes, yes. Jay Cutler has successfully burnt his bridges with the Denver Broncos and now the team is open to trading him, sending sports reporters from different NFL cities off to gambol amongst each other as wild rumors fly across the American sportscape.

I'm awar
e of the over reported situation and will post on it soon, including the insanity that is the Washington Redskins actually think they could trade a QB they don't like to the Broncos for a QB they like.

Meanwhile, life is happening and sometimes it's hilarious. Today the website Gawker uncovered a wondrous job listing that is so obnoxious, the company that posted it is just begging to suffer repercussions.

First of all, the magazine has to have a "go-getter" that can do 12 things at once. Wow! Where do I sign up? So we're talking about a high-stress job filled with multi-tasking. Okay, most jobs involve some of that anyways.

Now we get to the fun part. Remember when job experience was good? Yeah, not so much now. If you have ten years direct experience, they want nothing to do with you. Hmm. I've never heard of this before. Experience is bad. Because you might realize they're screwing you over. Only naive people please! Preferably ones who actually enjoy being paid in Skittles.

You're willing to relocate? Sod off. They don't want you and your dedication. They only want people who stumble out of their house and say "I guess I'll go down the street and get a job." This lowers expectations and when they burn you ou
t and fire you, it will be a short drive home.

And, of
course, the grand finale of the job listing: they want ROCK STARS baby! So only apply if you're name is Slash or Van Halen. Actually, I bet there are plenty of former rock stars that do need gainful employment.

My friends and I were instant messaging each other over this listing and we decided that we all need to apply of the position. And by "apply", I mean send in the mos
t ridiculously over-the-top resume we can think of.

Here are a few of the ideas quickly discussed over IM. Keep in mind my friend is actually at a job, so she had the ability to think of this while working. Multi-tasking! She's already a candidate for the job!

me: Did you see this little bit of sunshine? I think it's funny:
friend: that's hysterical - I think I might apply

me: L said she was going to as well. And under salary requirements she was going to ask for $200K since she apparently is doing 10 different jobs

friend: nice!
I might add that I would have to work from home

me: Perfect! You know it's a changing business environment and we need our flexibility
And the ability to sit in our underwear and drink while we work

friend: i may also put on the application that i see myself as a rock star
so I will need to be paid in weed, cocaine and alcohol
in addition to the 300k a year

me: And whores

friend: and whores indeed
me: Just tell them you have experience as a rock star because you played guitar hero and got a high score when you played Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls

friend: hahaha
I think we should seriously put in an application

me: I'm down. I hope that magazine gets inundated with fake resumes and cover letters that demand things like a tray of sandwiches flecked with gold or a top hat filled with perfume with a single plum floating in the middle

me: I need three cheeseburgers every Wednesday from the In & Out at Grapevine and 101 in Palo Alto. It can only be that In & Out. Don't try to pull one over on me because I can tell. It's the way the fries are cooked.....

friend: I also live within walking distance to Norwalk, CT
I live right outside an airfield in Boise, Idaho - once we land in CT I hear it's a 20 minute walk
so, I am going to need a plane
for me and my 6 kids

me: And I work better with the color blue so I'll need the plane decorated accordingly. Please no browns or blacks. It reminds me too much of autumn which reminds me of death.

friend: I also enjoy writing reports. I just wrote one on Jane Eyre (report available upon request)

friend: Autumn reminds me of death (that is hilarious)
Sent at 10:03 AM on Thursday

friend: Education : BA Philosophy

me: With a minor in liberal arts

friend: hahahaha

me: Isn't the world fun?

friend: it is now

me: I hope you don't mind, but I might use this IM as my blog post for the day. I know I'm supposed to write about sports (since that's my title) but sometimes there is something so ridiculous it needs to be addressed.
If we're lucky, maybe 500 people will send in fake resumes and cause several people to quit

After all is said and done, I think a different friend of mine summed up the resume perfectly:

J: Experience:
Exfoliating the backs of senior citizens with an ice scraper.
Education: Thomas P. Hughes Elementary School.
Salary Requirements: $14 per day (I eat nothing but grits and live in the woods).
Location: Norwalk, CT! (I'm perfect!)

Please send in the resumes. The more over the top, the better.

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