Friday, April 17, 2009

Shhhh....It's Getting Quieter On The Picture Box

So Stephen A. Smith is leaving ESPN. After four years of making our ear drums bleed, Screaming Stephen A. Smith is no longer going to give us his version of basketball discussion on ESPN.

I'm sure you can tell I'm broken up. While four years is pretty ephemeral in terms of a career, I felt Smith was on television dog years. Every show
or appearance he made seemed like seven to me.

A New York
Daily news columnist contends that "anyone intelligent enough to get past the screaming shtick found a mouth with a conscience. A guy with a different perspective on things." I guess so. But that was one hell of a shtick to get past. I can't have a guy screaming at me for minutes at a time. Go to boot camp if you want that.

I just wonder how that meeting went with the ESPN executive went that led to Smith's departure:

ESPN: C'mon in Stephen. Would you like something to drink?

Smith: NO THANKS! DRINKING THINGS TAKES AWAY FROM MY ABILITY TO TALK VERY LOUDLY ABOUT BASKETBALL LIKE YOU GUYS WANT ME TO.

ESPN: Yeah, about that. We are getting several complaints that you are blowing speakers out of television sets. I'm not sure if we can renew your contract.


Smith: WHY? BECAUSE THE $14 YOU'RE PAYING IS JUST TOO MUCH?

ESPN: You kn
ow how we run things here Stephen. We contrive a personality, shove it down America's throat and then run with it as long as they will accept that personality. They are no longer accepting yours.

Smith: YOU KNOW I WAS FROZEN 30 YEARS AGO TO FOLLOW THE EVIL GENIU
S LEW ALCINDOR ONCE HE RETIRED FROM BASKETBALL! I CAN'T CONTROL THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

ESPN: That was years ago Stephen. You're still yelling. I think that might be a permanent affliction.....oh, hi Skip, come in.


Skip Bayless: I THINK WHAT YOU'RE DOING IS RIGHT. I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE THA
T TALK LIKE HIM. I HEAR THAT HE IS THE REASON THE NBA HAS SUCH LONG SHORTS THESE DAYS.

Smith: NOW THAT'S JUST SILLY. WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT INFORMATION?

Bayless: FROM A SOURCE. I CAN'T TELL YOU OR HE MIGHT DISAPPEAR BACK TO HIS HOME PLANET OF PLEASANTVILLE

Smith: THAT'S
JUST A LIE! HOW CAN I BE GETTING DUMPED WHILE THIS JOKER SITS AROUND AND MAKES THINGS UP WHILE HE LONGS FOR THE "GOOD OLD DAYS" AND JUST TRIES TO PISS EVERYONE OFF?

ESPN: Well, I think you answered your own question Stephen. Skip pisses everyone off. It's a formula that works for Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh, and many others.


Smith: BUT I PISS PEOPLE OFF TOO. LISTEN TO HOW LOUD I AM!

ESPN: I know Stephen, but this is the way it has to be.

ESPN Receptionist: Troy Aikman is on the phone. He says he wants Skip out front at noo
n so they can finally "settle" the gay accusations Bayless made about him a decade ago.

BAYLESS: TELL HIM I'M NOT HERE. AND GET ME JIM RHOME, I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO COWARDLY HIDE FROM AN ATHLETE I'VE INSULTED.

Ah, a typical day in Bristol....

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