Monday, August 24, 2009

SportsPants Sort Of Fantasy Football Preview-Quarterbacks

Are you a deadly serious fantasy football player who lives and breathes fantasy every second you have a life force? Then this preview isn't for you because I flout you and your obsession with mathematical theories in an attempt figure out which player will score more touchdowns. It's often about luck: luck with injuries, luck with weather, luck with not losing in the playoffs.

So I give you the SportsPants preview: a way to at least draft players in interesting situations that you can enjoy as you follow them this year. These are players who you can watch this season for other reasons than just being good.


1. Drew Brees- He's the top ranked signal caller, but that's not the reason he's on my list. See, Brees just lost his mom recently. Not only that, she was five alarm crazy mom. No doubt that questions about this relationship will pop up from time to time and if Brees has a bad game, he very well could punch the person asking them. He will also throw for six trillion yards, so he's a good pick.

2. Kurt Warner- You know his story. He was a stockboy in Iowa and then he was suddenly the NFL MVP. Then he sucked. Then he was good. He's an NFL star who married a divorced mother with kids who was so poor, she was on food stamps (I hear JaMarcus Russell was trying to steal those food stamps because he was hungry.) He's 150 years old and playing as well as any quarterback in the league, plus he's actually a decent human being. His arm might fall off at some point, but then Matt Leinart replaces him and he's another fun story.

3. Aaron Rodgers- The man who replaced Flip Flop Favre had a great season last year and also managed to grow a great porno mustache. Now Flip Flop has signed with division rival Minnesota so Rodgers will be constantly compared to grandpa Favre. Hmmm.

4. Donovan McNabb- You know my feelings on the trials of McNabb. He's been under constant scruitiny since he arrived in Philly and now the great dog killer is backing him up. Hilarity ensues.

5. Carson Palmer- Will he be killed behind that ridiculous Bengals offensive line? On second thought, maybe you shouldn't draft him.

6. Jay Cutler, Kyle Orton, Matt Cassel- New quarterbacks are always fun to watch because they are trying to figure out new teammates throughout the season. Also, Kyle Orton sucks. But he has a good offense around him. So does that make him good or does he make the Broncos bad?

Your fantasy football season is only an injury or two away from being a total bust, so sit back and enjoy your players.

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