Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Eva Sale en un Miembro (that's Spanish for Eva goes out on a limb)

I actually should translate that into French: Eva sort sur un membre.

Obviously if I'm talking in both Spanish and French, I'm talking about Eva Longoria Parker. The Desperate Housewife/NBA spouse.

Eva made some huge waves recently with her declaration to Glamour magazine. Apparently, E.L.P. doesn't like spouses who cheat.

According to the New York Daily News "If she discovered a pal’s man was unfaithful, “(I’d) tell her,” the Desperate Housewife declares in Glamour magazine’s February Man issue, adding that she’d even resort to sneaky tactics to expose the guy.
“I would probably take a picture with my camera phone first,” she says. “It’s tough, because sometimes people kill the messenger. But I think the truth always comes out, regardless of who tells us.”

A couple of things:

First of all, if you're out with your mistress, go ahead and cross the street if you see Longoria coming because she'll expose you. Though people probably can't see her coming. She's tiny and I bet she can move like a ninja.

Secondly, I'm glad Eva declared her feelings towards cheaters because all of the women I talk to LOVE it when their man cheats on them. It's like the 4th of July and Halloween all mixed into one moment. I haven't spoken to every female in the United States, but I'm going to guess that Eva's stance is fairly normal considering Alanis Morissette's debut album, the movie Fatal Attraction, and Lorena Bobbitt.

Of course Longoria did the smart thing for someone who hates unfaithful men: she married an NBA player. Those guys are synonymous with fidelity.

Maybe that's why Eva is doing this. Her little "declaration" may seem commonplace, but it's actually a thinly veiled threat at her husband. She's saying "Tony, even if you think you're avoiding me, my girls will be out hunting you down and they will cell phone camera your ass."

I'm not saying Tony is cheating, but NBA players have more illegitimate children than Thomas Jefferson. Eva could just be playing the averages.

All I can do is offer a world of advice to Tony: if you are cheating and you impregnate someone, tell your mistress to just blame Shawn Kemp or Travis Henry. They're used to it.

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