Where's the Magic Going?

Michael Lewis is a major sports writer in these here United States. His most famous work is Moneyball, which is a bestseller among sports books, but he also is a contributing writer in Vanity Fair, New York Times, and pretty much anywhere he feels like writing I guess.

And he drives me crazy.

He is a good author in terms of story telling, but there is only so much statistic talk I can handle. Moneyball was a good start because it involved a strategy used in building a baseball team by the use of stats. Baseball is a stats-based sport and the book brought us into the new professional sports world where computer stats are used to predict the usefulness of players. It was one book and I can deal with that.

This weekend, Lewis wrote an article in the New York Times about how the NBA is now using analytical data to figure out how to play basketball more efficiently. I'm out. I tried to read the trillion word article because it's focused around Houston Rockets forward Shane Battier and his big wrinkly Duke head. Do not be fooled, the article is about statistics.

Stats are good to use when building a sports team. They are good when drafting a fantasy team. They are good when forecasting business models and selling cars and deciding where to buy a house.

They are NOT good (at least for me) when watching and talking sports.

Maybe I'm an peasant removed from the Dark Ages, but I want some damn magic to my sports. I want the team whose coach lost his wife to cancer to win the big game. I want Cinderella stories and underdogs upsetting the big bad giant. I want the Brewers beating the Yankees, the 8th NBA playoff seed beating the Lakers, a Canadian team actually winning a hockey title (except Montreal, screw them and their "look at our tradition" crap).

In other words, I want stuff not to make sense.

Nothing annoys me more than the sports guy (Bill Simmons anyone?) that talks about how he likes the 7 game series because we'll know that the best team won. What the hell fun is that?

There is a reason why people get paid to study statistical analysis. Because it's not an enjoyable activity. I know there are some people who actually relish it, but there are people who probably savor burnishing every metal object in the White House.

Since when did the unpredictable become bad? Do you really want to pre-determine everything that happens in your sporting life?

There are those that spend an entire lifetime finding statistical reasons for outcomes. They are called computers. I don't need to know that Kobe Bryant is 24% more effective going to his right side than his left side unless I'm guarding him. Just tell me he's better at going right and leave it there.

That way I can stare at his feats on the basketball court and wonder "how did he do that?" Sometimes it's better just to be amazed. Now if you will excuse me, I'm going to see if I can find Merlin shooting lightning out of his fingertips.

A Brave New Fantasy World

Never before have I seen the fantasy football landscape change so much at a single position during the off-season.

Think back to last year's fantasy football draft, if you can do so without crying: the top 5 draft picks were L.T., A.P., okay enough with the initials....Tomlinson, Peterson, Steven Jackson, Brian Westbrook, and Joseph Addai. Other 1st round names include Brady, Lynch, and Owens (or T.O. to come back to the initials thing.)

I can only imagine Peterson and Westbrook being in the first round for sure next year. Tomlinson might be back, but not as the 1st pick. Brady gets an injury exception, but he won't be back unless he blows up in the pre-season. Lynch is running around brandishing guns while Owens may not even be back with the Cowboys.

And other off-season news adds further ink to next year's fantasy picture:

First of all, the Broncos fired the great fantasy Satan known as Mike Shanahan, though Broncos running back owners may also call him Keyser Soze. Without Shanahan and his interminable need to switch back and forth between runners like a manic depressive with ADD, there might be a chance in hell for the Broncos to actually stick with a back for more than three carries before running off to the local Denny's to find a replacement.

That news was shocking enough for fantasy players. Today we find out that another life-sucking situation as been removed from our fantasy lives. The great Jacksonville time-share has been sold as Fred Taylor will no longer be there to siphon away carries from Maurice Jones-Drew.

The move does two things: First, it moves Maurice Jones-Drew into the first round as a fantasy pick. Secondly, it will cut down on sales of Maalox and Rogaine as MJD owners stop getting ulcers and pulling out their hair as Fred Taylor runs up and down the field on any given Sunday.

It's a new fantasy world where rookie runners scoot past traditional studs on the draft board and teams are giving up their anti-fantasy ways. But don't worry, Bill Belichick is still around so you can listen to cryptic injury reports that make you shiver as you stare at the giant "questionable" tag in front of your running back.

Have peace my friends. Right up until the great fantasy Satan is hired again.

A Revisit to the Blog Assault of 2008

My friend sent me a magazine story written by Will Leitch of Deadspin blog fame and author of God Save the Fan. Leitch recounts the "discussion" he had with Buzz Bissinger (author of Friday Night Lights and Shattered Glass) on the HBO show Costas now.

If you haven't heard, or don't really want to take the time to read the article or watch the clip, I'll sum up:

Buzz Bissinger hates blogs. Apparently so does Bob Costas, although he does appear to see some good parts of blogs as well in his all-knowing Costas way. But Bissinger really REALLY doesn't like bloggers. The words he uses when railing against all things bloggy are "unprofessional" and "abusive."

And Will Leitch agrees with him.

The point Leitch is trying to make, which I agree with, is that most of the widely read blogs aren't like that. People eventually figure out if what they're reading is crap. It's easy to do when you're not subjected to peer pressure. Blogs are easy. Good blogs are hard.

Had Bissinger simply took that statement in, maybe he would have short-circuited his blog tirade. But he had worked himself up into a tizzy and wanted to unload on Leitch as a message to the whole blogging world. And in the interest of entertainment and ratings, why would anyone try to stop him?

Bissinger starts off perfectly fine, explaining that he's over 50 years old (which is a code word for "not a blogging type guy") and the aforementioned problem he has with blogging. Leitch agrees and then counter points him. Then things get a bit off course.

I think Bissinger suffers from myopia when he starts comparing one of the Deadspin columns (Balls Deep) to W.C. Heinz (noted sports author). First of all, Bissinger asks Leitch if he's even heard of Heinz. When Leitch says 'yes', Bissinger, clearly assuming this little punk would never know who Heinz was, presses further, asking Leitch if he's ever read any of Heinz's work. The point is clear: Bissinger is trying to big time Leitch by showing how much more he knows.

Bissinger completely loses me when he asks Leitch who is better at evoking (whoa big word there!) a sports moment, W.C. Heinz or Balls Deep from Deadspin.

I don't know, Buzz, who's a better showman: Elvis Presley or Prince? Who's the better actor, Carey Grant or Johnny Depp?

It's all style and that's what Buzz doesn't get. You can be the most educated journalist on earth and if you don't capture people, you aren't going to mean a damn thing. I have a Master's Degree in Broadcast Journalism, but I suck at blogging. And broadcasting for that matter. But I'll still evoke sports moments. It just won't be the same people Buzz evokes to. Okay, enough about evoking.

Bissinger spouts off about bloggers not understanding what they are talking about when he admits that he doesn't understand blogging. That's all you need to know. And most blogs are unprofessional and abusive, but people were like that back in W.C. Heinz's day too. It's just today people can put on the Internet what they used to just yell at the television.

It's fun. Try it sometime, but don't expect anyone to read it.

What Up With February?

Apparently February marks the point when sports news reaches ludicrous speed. I know it's a slow month, but that doesn't mean IQ's should just be dropping left and right.

Let's just review the top sports stories of the past few days:

A-Rod: We all know A-Rod had some illegal substances coursing through his Madonna loving body in the early part of this decade. He apologized...sort of....and now we can wait until spring training to hear every Yankee refer to the media as "you people" and explain how all of the steroids coverage is a secret ploy to tear the team apart.

And I was okay with that.

But noooooooo. Bud Selig had to step in and suddenly climb onto his 18.5 million dollar high horse to tell us exactly how wrong A-Rod was to do steroids. Selig said "while Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue, there is no valid excuse for using such substances, and those who use them have shamed the game."

Thanks, Bud. I'm glad you managed to expurgate the story so that baseball doesn't look so bad. No need to mention the fact that the only reason A-Rod apologized is because his name was leaked and that the biggest reason for steroids being an issue in the sport is through an act of Congress. If you had simply cracked down on illegal substances about, oh, a decade ago, this wouldn't be such a black eye. But that would have taken away some of that cash inflow and forced you to confront the players union.

I think it's best if Bud plays the silent game from here on out until he's ready for action.

Phelps and his Greens: So Phelps gets caught hitting the bong on camera and is now losing his endorsements left and right. I already discussed this point on Sports Pants and figured that's the last I'd ever hear of it. Phelps rocks the ganja, loses lots of money, serves a suspension, and then goes on with his life.

Now word out of the Carolina that is South is that arrests are being made. Those evil kids that had their face in the bong are being taken off the street lest they destroy the moral fabric of our society. Funny thing is, the police seemed to only be interested in Phelps. According to the defense attorney for one of the arrested kids, "

After they arrested him, they didn't ask him, 'Where did you get the marijuana?' or 'Who sold it to you?' Almost all the questions they asked him were about Michael Phelps."

Apparently Sheriff Leon Lott who clearly sees some dollar signs or maybe some He-Man type power in his future, has decided Phelps is his golden goose. Once those pictures came out with Phelps, I bet Lott skipped down the street singing "I've got a golden ticket". Now he's using his moral stance to hunt down Phelps, who I'm sure is hiding in Argentina right now, and bring him to the mercy of the court. All for the good of America, damnit.

Spitting is preferred: Roberto Alomar...WTF? Did this guy watch Team America and took the "Everyone Has AIDS" song too seriously? He claims that the woman accusing him of having unprotected sex with her while knowing he had full blown AIDS is a crazy liar. I really hope she is because if he actually did that....WTF!!!??? He will have gone from a surly baseball player to a full blown psychopath with full blown AIDS. That is no way to go through life, son.

February is slow in sports, but these stories aren't due to a bored press. They're due to asshats. Can't these guys just enjoy counting their money during this recession? Sheesh.

Mr. Whineypants

On Tuesday, the Cleveland Cavaliers lost a close game to the lowly Indiana Pacers. It was a bad loss for the playoff bound Cavs, but it was one of 82 games.

What made this game stand out was the way it ended: on a referee's whistle. Two fouls in the final seconds of the game determined the outcome of the game. Both calls were awful, the second being a make up call for the first mistake. It was a lesson in how not to ref a game and will not go down as a shining moment in the NBA.

That's not what get me steamed though. It was a regular season NBA game in February. Cleveland will still be in the playoffs and the Pacers will probably not. Unless either team loses out on a post-season seed by one half of a game, there is nothing that will come from this game in the standings.

What got my sports pants in a wad was the reaction by the Cavs after the game. The post game tirade of Cleveland coach Mike Brown about the foul being the worst thing he's ever seen was probably true.

But I can assure you that Brown would have very little to say if only the first call was made against the Pacers. And that's where I have my problem. The first bad call made against Indiana was made because a ball was being lobbed up to King James. It was just as bad of a call, but it was made by someone guarding LeBron. Therefore, the call was just accepted as an NBA star foul.

Give the Pacers credit. After LeBron tied the game up, Indiana ran the exact same play against Cleveland ran and forced the referee to whistle a make up call or face the ridicule of not calling the game correctly. I don't know how two wrongs make a right, but that's just the way things work in the NBA. If the ref swallows his whistle, he would have a froward Pacers team on his hands.

So the ref makes the call and Indiana wins. But the ref actually made the call against....gasp....LeBron! What?! LeBron James called for a foul in crunch time? A bad foul called on him? Surely not!

And that is where I have my fundamental problem with the NBA. It is such a star powered league that when someone like King James gets called at the end of the game, the story isn't only about whether it was a good foul or not, it's that the foul was called on a star player.

The top line of the A.P. post game story was "LeBron James grudgingly lived with the NBA's non-star treatment Tuesday night." Oh, poor guy. He got a foul called on him.

James was at least understated about his anger at the final call. You couldn't say the same about his coach. After his initial rant, Mike Brown just couldn't leave it alone, saying "I don't care if I get fined. It is what it is. I saw the two plays; just a bad call determined the outcome of that game," Brown said. "If they want to fine me for telling the truth, fine me. This isn't me. I never do this."

Do you know why you never do this, Coach Brown? Because you have LeBron on your team, you idiot. If Cleveland wins the game on that final foul against Indiana, a bad call would have determined the game too. But Coach Brown is used to getting those calls because he has LeBron. He apparently expects it now since when things don't go his way he becomes unhinged. It was like watching a five year old throw a tantrum.

So chalk this game up as a win for the everyman NBA player who is tired of seeing Tim Duncan's bug eyes of disbelief at every foul called on him, Dwyane Wade's fall down maneuver after a shot to draw a cheap foul, or any other star's expectation of preferential treatment.

Just play the game and deal with it. Everyone else does.

Mercifully Over, But Still Deserves The Upward Thumb

Brett Favre has retired. Again. Hopefully for good this time.

And now let's prepare ourselves for the loads of tributes that ESPN has in the can for every year Favre retires. Followed by the dozens of curmudgeon sports writers who, desperate to play the contradictory role, will bring up Favre's interceptions and lone Super Bowl win and ask "was he really THAT good?"

Yes, he was. Maybe not in the pure stats department (all though he has plenty of those), but in the spirit of the sport department. Whenever you think of Favre you think of the guy running up and down the field after touchdowns, picking up receivers over his shoulder, getting in a defensive lineman's face after a big hit, and just screwing around on the field.

Sure he had had his pouty moments, but imagine being the biggest superstar in a town devoid of anything else. Farve was THE face of Green Bay and people wanted to know everything he did. John Elway had the same issue in Denver and he complained constantly about it. And that was Denver which is like Hong Kong population-wise compared to Green Bay.

Just sit back and think about that for a minute: Here is a guy from Mississippi who gets drafted by a team that's considered the back water Siberia where NFL players are traded for punishment, has to play in the freezing weather, becomes the single biggest celebrity of the town, and has the tool of free-agency at his disposal.

How many top-flight players stay in Buffalo these days? Willis McGahee couldn't wait to jump ship. Lee Evans remains, but he also played at Wisconsin, so the cold probably doesn't bother him as much. The point is that players, especially from the South, don't like playing in tiny northern NFL cities. Minnesota and Detroit got domed stadiums to keep the cold out which leaves Green Bay, Buffalo, Pittsburgh, and Cleveland as the only smaller cities in the north with open fields.

But Favre not only stuck it out, he loved it. His record just exploded when the snow came. He embraced cold weather and let his opponents flee from it.

He put Green Bay back on the map as an NFL city and didn't get high and mighty about it. He didn't constantly bicker that he was under appreciated and he didn't hold out every other year. He didn't miss games and he didn't constantly hint that he needed a bigger stage so that his skill could be appreciated. All the crap that we've come to expect from the modern athlete didn't have a chapter in the great tome of Favre.

He transcended hatred. Opposing fans rooted against him, but gave him respect. And it all would have ended perfectly had Favre just walked away.

But he broke the cardinal sin of entertainment: always leave them wanting more. He made a mess out the whole situation by retiring and then changing his mind. It's perfectly within is rights to do so, but the Packers had moved on and didn't want to keep opening that door.

So Favre goes to the Jets despite overwhelming evidence that points to the failures of aging stars on new teams. And after a fast start, he fails down the stretch. Were Jets fans honestly surprised? Maybe. Fans have a way of being talked into delusions. You want to drink the Kool-Aid even if all logic points in the other direction.

Last season was a mistake for Favre. Everyone knew it. We wanted him to succeed, but knew the chances were that he'd fail. Now he's retiring for good this time. He's not crying at press conferences, he's not being drug away kicking and screaming. He's just done. Hey, at least he learns from his retirements.

Don't believe the people who say Favre tarnished his legacy with the Jets. Does anyone remember Emmitt Smith as a Cardinal? Johnny Unitas? Joe Namath? O.J. Simps...actually forget that one. Favre will go down in history the way he should, a crazy-ass gunslinger who just liked to play football.

Who Needs a Bigger Mop?

* The Sports Pants Word of the Day will not be included in this post since osteopath is such a specialized term. I'm not going to shoe-horn that damn word into a post just to keep my word of the day bit going. Thank you for your time, now back to our regularly scheduled post

During the last few weeks of 2008, two major things happened:

1.) Americans smelled what Barack was cookin' and elected Obama as the next president of the United States

2.) The Detroit Lions did what no one thought was possible and managed to finish an NFL season with a big zilch in the win column.

Soon thereafter my friend Joe texted me with a very interesting question to ponder: Who has a bigger mess to clean up: Obama or new Detroit GM Martin Mayhew?

At first look, the answer is easy-- one is a football team the other is the leader of the free world. Duh.

But Obama has plenty of help around him for decision making and he also has several ways to make this a successful presidency. Plus, did you see the Lions last year? I'm fairly certain that if you lined the Lions offense up against a blocking sled, tackling dummies, and some chairs, they might score 20 points. Take Calvin Johnson out of the lineup and the score drops to 10.

Here are some similar issues the new men in charge will face:

Convincing- Both men start their runs having to fight non-believers. Obama has to convince hostile Republicans that his stimulus is the right way to get our shredded economy moving again. He needs to do it quickly too since the figures get worse every day.

Because of said economy, Mayhew will have his hands full trying to convince Lions fans to spend what little extra money they have on football tickets. It won't be easy: people look to sports to escape their own troubled lives, not get more depressed and surly.

Money Pit- Both men have to stop the money bleeding that is leftover from another administration. Obama has international wars that were started under false information and has been costing Americans oodles of money. He needs to decide when to cut ties with the wars so that he doesn't turn the middle east into a bloody battle zone between neighboring countries and religious fanatics.

Mayhew has Charles Rodgers, Mike Williams, and any number of busted draft picks that were cut loose and cost the Lions oodles of money for zero production. Mayhew needs to begin bringing players in that earn their money and match the on field production with the payroll.

Speaking of the past- Both men will have to overcome previous administrations who had mixed results at best. We all know about the Bush administration, which finished its run with the lowest approval ratings of the modern era. Whether you blame Bush or not, his presidency ended with the worst economy since the great depression, unfinished wars, a diminished American world image, a growing chasm between the filthy rich and the middle working class, deteriorating education, and a slew of mispronounced words. In his defense, there have been no more terrorist attacks on American soil, but we still haven't found Osama Bin Laden despite all the money and effort that has gone into the search.

Mayhew replaces Matt Millen who would have set new lows in approval ratings if they had those for general managers. Millen's stay in Detroit ended with a team on its way to an 0-16 season, a turnstile of head coaches that were hired then fired by Millen, a slew of horrible drafts, a run where the Lions have lost 9 or more games every year he was in charge, a road record of 8-50, and legions of angry fans. In Millen's defense....no, there is no defense for Millen. The guy was made the second highest paid general manager in football and delivered the worst run in Lions history. But he was offered the money so part of the blame has to go to Lions owner William Clay Ford Sr.

The silver lining- Both men obviously have been given a broken, flawed entity to work with, but there are some things they can be thankful for. Obama has a democratic congress that won't stonewall every single decision he makes. He has an American public that is willing to be patient with him (at least for a time), and he has a fawning press that loves his oratory skills after listening to a president who couldn't pronounce basic sayings for the past 8 years.

Mayhew has two first round picks including the first pick of the NFL draft, a new head coach, a nice stadium, and the fact that he's not Matt Millen working for him.

Barack Obama and Martin Mayhew both have a long road ahead of them, but both have nowhere to go but up. Obama has already made strides in that he's gotten Americans to believe in the positives of their country despite all of the depression around them.

Mayhew gets to start with a clean slate, but he has to try and convince players to come to Detroit. That's a feat that might even put a stop to Obama's "Yes We Can" slogan.

They're dirty jobs, but someone's got to do them.