Friday, February 6, 2009

A Tale of Two Bongs

By now, you have no doubt run across no fewer than 17 news stories involving the fall-out of the Michael Phelps pot smoking scandal.

Regard
less of where you fall on the subject, you can't get away from the differences between the way Phelps has been treated and the way Super Bowl 43 MVP Santonio Holmes was treated after he got caught smoking pot WHILE DRIVING.

Phelps has been thrown on the BBQ so much after being photographed hitting the bong, that all sorts of normally indifferent people have become staunch Phelps supporters. I'm still waiting for the inevitable "Leave Michael Aloooooone" internet video mocking the Britney Spears fan.

I'm sure people expected Phelps to lose a few erstwhile endorsements from his weed endeavor. I know I wasn't surprised when Kellogg's dropped Phelps from the Corn Flakes ads, though I think Kellogg's might want to research who buys its products before it causes a pot boycott as Post and General Mills stock goes up through the roof.


Subway is possibly going to jump ship too. Again, why the hell would a food company bail due to pot smoking allegations? Is it not aware of the natural side-effects of pot?

Now a sheriff in South Carolina named Leon Lott---not to be
confused with Leon Lett, the former Dallas Cowboys defensive lineman. Leon LETT, incidentally, was busted twice for drug use during his NFL career. Wow, the plot indeed thickens! But back to Leon the sheriff---Lott says now that he will file criminal charges against Phelps if he can determine that the swimmer was smoking pot in his county.

So to sum up, Phelps is losing multiple endorsements which all have to do with food and now some crazy sheriff is contemplating filing criminal charges him which I'm sure has nothing to do with the sheriff trying to selfishly advance his career.

All of this for admitting wrong doing and directly dealing with the issue instead of denyi
ng or skirting the issue...the exact thing people say they want celebrities to do when they are caught doing a no no. Huh.

Meanwhile your Super Bowl 43 most valuable pot-head was caught earlier this season with a smoking joint in his car. He gets suspended for one game by his team and that's the end of it. Now he's a Super Bowl hero, gets to be the center of a parade in Pittsburgh, gets a new car (MVP award, because professional athletes need new cars more than the rest of us), and gets to be the spokesperson for Disney despite the pot charge and the photo of him showing off his huge dong in the shower.

DISNEY! YOU'RE TELLING ME FOOD COMPANIES CAN'T BE ASSOCIATED WITH A POT SMOKER, BUT THE BIGGEST FASCIST FAMILY VALUES COMPANY IN AMERICA CAN?! HAVE YOU BEEN TO TIMES SQUARE OVER THE PAST DECADE? THAT COMPANY IS OKAY WITH POT, BUT FOOD COMPANIES AREN'T?

Well, I think it's clear what needs to happen: Holmes needs to give away his new car complete with freshly smoked pot blunts and then needs to go do porn since apparently he can't get busted for much. Meanwhile, pot smokers should find the motivation to unite to make Kellogg's and Subway suffer for being so short-sighted. And the sheriff Leon Lott needs to be placed in a Goofy suit and locked in a room with Leon Lett after a PCP and Angel Dust bender.

Those are just my thoughts.

2 comments:

  1. The funny thing is that the bong photo is the first shot of Phelps I've seen that didn't make me think, "Man, I know he's the best swimmer in history, but that guy just seems like a douche."

    - Reaction elicited by Corn Flakes box with Phelps on it with all his medals and hideous, goofy smile: "What a douche..."

    - Reaction elicited by Corn Flakes box with Phelps on it smoking a bong: "I think I'll buy these corn flakes and eat them later while watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail."

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  2. It's wonderful subliminal advertising. Is Kellogg's even aware of how many more people smoke pot than swim competitively?

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