Wow, That's A New One

The track and field world has been buzzing after puissant and manly South African female runner Caster Semenya dominated the women's 800 meter race. Other countries cried foul, (in Austin Powers voice) "That woman is a maaan, baby!"

She does look like Shannon Sharpe with lipstick (not a real big compliment for a woman) and the word "semen" is right there in her last name. It's just there taunting us.

Then the poop really hit the fan when International Association of Athletics Federations ordered Semenya to get a gender test done. The South African government claimed unfair profiling. Just because Semenya isn't a dainty woman who adheres to the Western standard of beauty shouldn't force her to be ridiculed.

Well, she took the test and now word out of Sydney, Austrailia is that....she's a herm? That woman IS a man, baby! And a woman. She's the hermaphrodite flash.

That claim hasn't been confirmed yet and we all know Austrailia is a former prison colony, so maybe the Sydney media is lying. If they aren't , a giant Pandora's Box has been opened.

Semenya has male sex organs in her body which give her elevated levels of testostorone, undoubtably a competitive advantage over her female competitiers. Yet, it's not like Semenaya took a penis pill to help her run. She has an abnormal condition, but a completely natural one.

So does Semenya get penalized for being born different, or does she get to run with an obvious advantage? Or do the Olympics create a trans-gender event which would be treated like a freak show?

And if they do allow a trans-gender runner, will we see a part man/ part horse runner soon? That would be cool.

NFL New Years Has Come

Today marks the great moment in a year when we can all sit in our office (or at home in your underwear if you really want to do it right) and proclaim TGIF! Thank God It's Football season!

It's time to fill your home with the noisome combination of fried foods, beer, and sweaty testosterone-filled people screaming at the television. If anyone gets on your case about your obsession with the game of football, just let them know it could be worse.

You could be one of those people who are so obsessed with fantasy football, they pay lawyers to settle roster disputes in a fantasy league. You aren't so hopelessly addicted to gambling that you actually take out insurance on your fantasy players so that you don't lose the $10,000 you just plunked down for your fantasy league.

Sure, you punch pillows, you knock over bowls of chips, you are impossible to talk to the day after your team loses, but you aren't that bad, right?

Just embrace your obsession. It only lasts 17 weeks.

Lingerie Football Executives Stunned And Horrified

Did you know there was a lingerie football league? I've heard about it multiple times, but I just assumed it was like Bigfoot or the WNBA: something we all know about, but that doesn't actually exist.

Lingerie football does indeed exist, but it's still rough around the edges. For instance, league officials were stunned today when they saw that women playing football in lingerie might accidentally show some brief nudity. It was caught on film:



You can practically hear the horrified screams of the puritan crowd. The only thing missing from that play is a pile of malapropisms from an ex-player. Is Emmitt Smith available?

Titanic Sooners May Have Hit An Iceberg

Wow, that was fast. Just a week ago, the Oklahoma Sooners were the third ranked team in the nation and a championship contender. The team had a returning Heisman trophy winner and a nasty defense.

A week later, the sparkle of a season that seemed so refulgent has disappeared quicker than Mel Gibson's career. One game. That's all it took. Don't laugh, it could happen to your team next.

Oklahoma was supposed to handle BYU. It might have been close for a half or three quarters, but the Sooners were to pull it out pretty easily. And the game was played in the new Dallas Cowboys stadium, so all the talented high school football recruits in the Lone Star State could see how great Oklahmoa was. Great tactic by Sooners coach Bob Stoops in his constant battle to recruit Texas talent.

Things didn't go as planned though. First of all, superb tight end Jermaine Gresham turned out to be injured and couldn't play. Then halfway through the second quarter, Heisman winning quarterback Sam Bradford was tackled hard and laid on the turf holding his shoulder in agony. You could hear the collective breath leave the Sooners fans. Bradford was done for the night and while the OU defense played well, the Sooners couldn't avoid being upset by the team from Mormon Country.

That is how quickly a promising season ended for the Sooners.

Today we find out that Gresham may have to get knee surgery which will effectively end his final season in Norman. Bradford should be able to come back, but his throwing shoulder will be in constant pain. Maybe he'll be fine, maybe he won't. Either way, with an upcoming trip to Miami and the big showdown with Texas in the middle of October, the Sooners have a season that has suddenly gone from promising to frightening. Only time will tell if the BYU fiasco was just a bump in the road or an iceberg for the Titanic Sooners.

Deion Gets Delusional

Deion Sanders, the great NFL defensive back and noted voluptuary has long been supporting rookie receiver Michael Crabtree in his ridiculous holdout from the San Francisco 49ers. Now Deion seems to be going on the offensive for the idiot pass catcher.

According to NFL.com, Deion is saying that two seperate NFL team are now interested in trading for Crabtree and are willing to pay the astronomical amount of money he thinks he deserves even though the receiver hasn't played one down in the NFL. Sanders says "Why would you settle for $20 million when you feel like you can get $40 million? The 49ers need him desperately"

Forget the obvious ethical issues the Deion crosses as he talks about his buddy while working for NFL Network, of which there are several. No one ever really considered Deion an acutal journalist anyways.

But Deion should know from his stay in the NFL that a rookie will not win by holding a team hostage for money. Even if he gets traded and makes the money he wants, Crabtree has lost his rookie season because he's so far behind learning the offense. Plus, veteran players won't be remotely supportive of a rookie waltzing in thinking he's worth so much before he's played a down.

All I can think of is that Crabree doesn't want to play for the 49ers and is trying to force a trade to a team he deems more of a title contender. Deion, being his buddy, is using his job at NFL Network to actually help out Crabtree. It stinks in all sorts of ways and at this point, Crabtree has nearly zero fans in the NFL.

My prediction for Crabtree: PAIN.

An Ending To The Romance In Sports

Remember when sports was more about gamesmanship and honor more than it was about money? Neither do I.

But one would hope that the fans of a team would be treated as friendlies and not some random gadabout who owes you some cash.

The Washington Post is reporting the plight of several Redskins season ticket holders who got smashed by the economic downturn and now can no longer afford the season tickets they signed up to get. It's understandable. This is the worst downturn since the depression, people are going to have trouble and going to football games probably isn't the wisest use of their money.

But Redskins owner Dan Snyder wants his money, so what does he do? He sues these hard luck ticket holders into bankruptcy.

These fans did sign a contract when they bought the ticket packages and by the letter of the law, they are required to pay their money to the Redskins. It's hard to argue against that even though some of the people didn't even read the contracts thoroughly.

But maybe, just maybe there is an unsaid give and take between a team and it's community of supporters. Fans help fund stadiums with their tax dollars because they want the team to stay around. God forbid the owners of these teams should exercise some shred of loyalty back to those supporters.

The Redskins have plenty of season ticket holders and even more fans are in line to buy packages. But when you see a team treating it's fans like this, it destroys any romance a person may have being a "celebrated" fan of the team and drops the harsh reality that some sports owners see you as a piggy bank more than a community supporter of their organization.

They'll Be No Stopping This Nonsense Now

I'm originally from Dallas which makes me one of those rare traditional Cowboys fans. When someone asks me who I root for I just tell them I'm from Dallas and watch them bristle because they can't call me a front-runner or ask me if I like the Yankees and Lakers too.

But I'm not a blind faith fan. I don't root for laundry. Just because the Cowboys signed Pac-Man Jones doesn't mean I suddenly buy a gun and start hanging around strip clubs making it rain. I expect to enjoy rooting for my team.

With that in mind, I can safely say that the Jerry Jones Cowboys are just not the same Cowboys from my childhood. There is no longer that air of professionalism about them. Dallas used to be what New England is today. You hated them because you knew they'd somehow be in the mix every season and were always dangerous. These days, the Cowboys are just a toy for owner Jerry Jones.

Don't get me wrong, Jerry likes winning. He's not one of those lowest of low owners who only want to make profit and never intends to actually build a champion team for the city. Jerry is a visionary guy who is also a marketing genius. He is, however, completely a slave to his enormous ego and he generally refuses to ever hire someone that knows football to run his franchise. It's awful.

But I can't expect anything to change because Forbes just named the Cowboys the most valuable sports franchise in America for the third straight year. This means any constructive criticism a fan might have for the team will just carom right off management like raindrops off the gigantic new stadium they just built OUT IN B.F.E.

What have the Cowboys done to deserve this honor? There is no reason this team should be at the very top of the assets page. It hasn't won a playoff game since 1996. If you look at NFL records for the past decade you'll find the Patriots and Colts at the top of the win column followed by the Steelers and Eagles. Where are the Cowboys? Keep going....keep going...number ten? Nope. How about fifteen? Nope, keep going down..... the Cowboys are the 20th ranked teams in victories this decade. That puts them ahead of such beasts as the Cleveland Browns, Detroit Lions, and Oakland Raiders this decade. And at least the Raiders made it to a Super Bowl a few years ago.

Yet there the Cowboys sit at the most valuable fanchise in American sports. Why change anything? Keep hiring puppet head coaches that talk like they're on their way to the ole fishin' hole in Green Acres. Keep watching the Cowboys blow drafts as the current veterans get older. Keep cheering for Jason Witten, Tony Romo, and DeMarcus Ware and realize every single one of these guys were brought in when Bill Parcells was scowling around the halls. Cheer that offensive line, none of who is under 30 years old.

Keep on cheering as the Cowboys slowly melt back into the 5-11 hell that they started the decade in. You'll keep that franchise at the top of the value chart and nothing will ever change. Hope you enjoyed those Super Bowls because they aren't coming back at the current rate.