Chris Hayes Reminds Us That Athletes Are Capable of Being Self-Depricating

*The word of the day is bilk, so unless I'm blogging about Bernard Madoff, I'm not going to ruin a post in order to stuff it into a sentence somewhere. Now, back to the post.

A friend of mine sent me a link to the blog by Royals semi-prospect and Matt Damon resembler, Chris Hayes. It's a funny blog. I know I sometimes get caught up in the arrogance and general assishness displayed by many professional athletes, but this blog proves that some athletes are pleasantly funny. At least the ones that aren't superstars yet. Take that A-Roid!

So I salute thee, Chris Hayes. May you make the big league some day so that you can not insist that a recliner chair be place by your locker.

Oh, and here's his blog.

Next Stop for Steve Nash and Jason Kidd?

Your parents/grandparents could be doing this right now. Do NOT buy them playdough for their birthday.

I Wasn't Throwing In The Towel, I Was Waving It Around And It Slipped Out Of My Hand

One of the great mysteries in sports is when a team officially should admit that the current crop of championship puzzle pieces just aren't fitting together anymore. Generally, this is followed by the team trading off key players for future draft picks and then trying to prevent the fan base from storming the castle as the team slowly sinks into the abyss.

(Unless, of course, the team is called the New York Yankees. Then it's all about buying so many stars that the playing field is tilted in your favor forever. I imagine the Yankees as Joaquin Phoenix from Gladiator, stabbing every other team before they meet in battle. But for this article, we're going to assume a team does not have unlimited funds in the broken financial system that major league baseball has.)

It's incredibly dicey to blow up a team since it will mean years of a bad product and limited fan attendance. But in most cases the alternative is watching a team die slowly in front of your eyes. I personally don't like seeing teams I like hang around the playoffs for years without any real shot of making a championship run.

As Def Leppard lamented mused: it's better to burn out than fade away.

Which leads me to my point: the Phoenix Suns and Dallas Mavericks are dead. They aren't bad teams, but they aren't championship teams either, and the door is closing ever faster.

The Mavs will probably make the playoffs this year, but they won't make it past the second round. Dirk is still in his prime, but not for much longer. Josh Howard is officially a knucklehead and the Mavs blew up their future with a panic trade where the team mortgaged it's future on a 35 year old point guard. It didn't work.

The Suns are even worse off this year because it became official that the team has lost it's All-Star forward for the rest of the season. The hope was that Amare Stoudemire might make it back from eye surgery and be able to help the Suns during the playoffs while wearing some sort of martial goggles to protect his eyes. Without hope of his return, the team probably won't make the playoffs this year which means they will look to next season. And it doesn't look good: the superstar center and MVP point guard are in their mid-30's and breaking down. There's nothing left around but role players. Talented ones, but no good without an engine.

So both the Suns and Mavericks are faced with a decision this off-season: dismantle the team and suffer through some awful seasons in the near future, or keep the core together and hope that a key draft pick or free-agent pickup will vault the team over the top.

I pick the first choice, though I know it's miserable when a team officially gives in to rebuilding. I grew up in Dallas during the early 90's when the Mavericks could have been beaten by a college team and it was ugly. But the alternative is to waste time as the current team picks a few half-hearted runs into the playoffs and then rebuilds anyways.

I don't consider the dismantling of a team as surrender. I see it as foresight while remembering that the ultimate goal is a championship title.

Al Davis, C'mon Down!

Because really, where else does Terrell Owens have to go?

He's personally destroyed two teams and was a key problem in the collapse of a third. That leaves the silver and black as the only potential suitor because of the owner who seems to be stuck in an episode of Quantum Leap when he's transported into the body 1975 mafia thug. A Jewish mafia thug that resembles Al Pacino in Donnie Brasco. Nevermind.

Actually, Davis could very well be suffering from dementia at this point and thinks he really is in the 70's again. If he calls T.O. 'Cliff Branch,' just say a quick prayer for the Bay Area.

I really can't think of another team that would be willing to take the T.O. taste challenge. Not with Marvin Harrison sitting out there. He may have trouble at car washes, but he doesn't collapse teams.

Plus, T.O. is 35 years old. He's still talented and nine times out of ten that means a team will take the risk, but this is the one exception. The history of T.O. is too great to parry away. You can't sell him to fans as a talent that was just misunderstood at his past three stops. The only chance for a team to grab T.O. is if the team thinks they are one wideout away from the Super Bowl. The Vikings are that type of team, but you can bet that they aren't dealing with any character flaws as long as there are party boats on the lakes. Nope, there doesn't appear to be a reason for any team to bring that cancer into their locker room.

Unless you have JaMarcus Russell throwing the ball to him. Then again, Davis already failed with one cantankerous wide receiver signing. If the Raiders show no interest in Owens, he might not have anywhere else to go. In that case, the only course of action I can recommend to T.O. is to find Dennis Rodman's phone number. I bet Drew Rosenhaus has it.

not Breaking News: Randy Johnson Is Still A Moody Assbag

So Randy Johnson faced is old team in spring training yesterday.... I guess I should qualify that by saying the Arizona Diamondbacks.
-The Yankees are his old old team
-Seattle Mariners are his old old old team.
-The Arizona Diamondbacks circa 2000 are his old team once removed
-The Montreal Expos are his now defunct team

What I learned from this game is that
A.) Johnson still has a nasty slider that can strike anyone out (he struck out seven of the 12 batters he faced yesterday)
B.) A life in California has yet to mellow Johnson out
C.) There are Bay area baseball writers who will jump on board with any player who wears a Giants uniform

Johnson apparently is still angry about the Diamondbacks not bringing him back for a final season or two because he spent the post game taking little shots at his former home team. The most notable shot being that Johnson considers Seattle his sentimental home despite Johnson having two different stints with Arizona including his World Series season in 2001, and an off-season home there.

Johnson got his wits about him and tapered down the temerity shortly after the game, but he made it known he wasn't happy with the Diamondbacks for letting him go. Now if there were only a New York cameraman nearby....

I understand some of his anger since the Diamondbacks made him a low-ball offer that screamed "We don't really want you back." That never sits well with a professional athlete and Arizona would have been better off just telling Johnson they were going in a different direction.

But c'mon Unit, you're 45 years old! This guy has been with several teams throughout his long career and he still takes everything personally? He acts like this is the first time a team has let him go. The Diamondbacks got 16 years younger at pitching by signing Jon Garland to eat up innings. Even a prideful athlete should recognize that move.

Frankly, I'm surprised San Francisco offered good money to the Unit. He's a medical marvel, but logic says he won't be around much longer and it's not like San Francisco is knocking on the championship door. All I can think of is that the Giants want to have another player reach a milestone in their uniform (300 wins in this case) since the Barry Bonds experience was just so much fun.

Will congrats Giants fans, you will probably get your chance to offer up the hollow cheers to a transient pitcher who only showed up to the Bay area because the Giants showed him the money. Bring junior to the game so he can tell his grandkids about experience. And order the garlic fries, they're really good.

Good News! Cincy Cedric Is Back!!!

WANTED:
A fairly cheap featured running back to play in Cincinnati. Must be physically talented and capable of performing at a Pro-Bowl level, but must be a tremendous character risk that will prevent most teams from pursuing. Please send tape and resume to Mike Brown. Also note that you will need to pay for your own transportation here for a tryout because really, we don't like to spend much money at all.


P.S.--It would help if you had an arrest record because, you know, we're the Bengals.



Happy times are back in Cincinnati! Yes, the wide receiver and offensive lineman that the Bengals wanted to keep opted to sign with other teams who, as far as I can tell, could only offer that they were NOT the Bengals. But Cedric the Runnertainer is back! And he doesn't even need to come in for a tryout!

Benson is an incredibly talented between the tackles runner when he wants to be. He's as smooth as silk and always seems to fall forward after the tackle. He's perfectly capable of catching passes out of the backfield and averaged 93 yards from scrimmage in 10 games for the Bengals last year including an average of 154 yards in his final three games. Plus, he's only 26 years old with plenty of tread left on the tires. He could actually be a real bargain for the Bengals if he works out the way he's capable.

And now the bad news:

He was cut from the Bears last year despite being the fourth pick of the 2005 draft and forcing a trade of Thomas Jones. Rumors out of Chicago were that Benson's teammates hated him and wanted nothing to do with the running back. He has a reputation for being pouty, aloof, acutely selfish, and not willing to commit to his teammates. Overall, Benson seems to most resemble Ricky Williams in his attitude and commitment to the game. He went down and visited the Houston Texans and they allowed him to get away despite the fact that Benson was a Texas high school star who was a popular player at University of Texas. Oh, and he has multiple off-season arrests on his record, but that is actually a plus with the Bengals.

So on the stat sheet, Benson looks like a real steal. In the intagibles department, he looks like a disaster waiting to happen. He finished the season strong, but that could have been because he was playing the Redskins, Browns, and Chiefs, teams that had already thrown the towel in on the season (and in two cases fired the head coach).

The Bengals will find out quickly if Benson was a good free-agent grab: not only does the team play the usual AFC North defenses in Pittsburgh and Baltimore, but they also get the new Rex Ryan Jets, the Vikings, and Bears. Benson will probably have some good games: the Bengals get the Lions, Texans, Chiefs, Broncos, and Raiders on the schedule, but no one will blink if Benson rolls up 100 yards on the Lions. It's the tough yards that count.

So congrats, Cincy. You got another piece to your championship puzzle that is part of your 28 year Super Bowl plan. He might flame out completely, but no one expects anything else out of a player who wears the Bengal stripes.

Mile High 80122

Wow, Dallas owner Jerry Jones must be pissed. Despite his desperate attempts to make the Cowboys the running soap opera of every NFL off-season, it seems that his team is getting some big time competition from mountain country.

Maybe new Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels loves him some drama, or maybe doing things the Patriot way means shaking up an organization and pissing off as many players who aren't consider 'your' players as possible.

The Broncos looked to be free-agency winners when the team lured Brian Dawkins away from the Philadelphia Eagles over the weekend. Dawkins won't be in the NFL much longer, but he's a team leader and could teach the young Broncos defenders how to behave in the NFL. Judging by the reaction in Philadelphia, the Broncos got a real bargain.

And then the Bronco wagon split down the middle and all of the wheels came shooting off.

I don't know if McDaniels hasn't liked the film he's seen on Jay Cutler, really thinks Matt Cassel is destined for greatness, or if he's just an idiot. I do know that it's probably not a good idea to inquire about trading your young franchise quarterback the first chance you get unless you actually go through with the trade. Now that Cassel is with the division rival Chiefs, this storyline can be relived over and over and over again. Yeah!

At the very least, Cutler isn't going to feel completely secure in Denver for a while. If Cutler's initial comments are any indication, this thing is going to fester and cause some locker room problems. Culter isn't being very sanguine about his relationship with the new look Broncos.

But hey, it's okay, they signed Brian Dawkins to help smooth the locker room over!

Getting your quarterback back on board is enough to fill in the off-season to do list, but now there's another pressing need: get a lobotomy for your top receiver.

To say Brandon Marshall uses poor judgment is like saying Octo-mom likes kids. He's an idiot of the highest order that you only find in the ranks of wide receivers and defensive backs. Now he's in trouble again.
The good news: the recent case against him for disorderly conduct has been dismissed by the courts.
The bad news: the NFL doesn't need a conviction in court to dole out punishment of it's own.

(ATTENTION NFL COACHES and OWNERS: Atlanta night clubs are bad places for NFL players to hang out in. Bad things tend to happen here.)

So the Broncos now go into the 2009 draft with a franchise quarterback who was already unhappy with a coaching change and is now more than likely unsure if he wants to be a Bronco anymore, plus a top receiver who has police records in three states that includes multiple domestic disturbances, disorderly conduct, and a random arm injury that Marshall swears was just from roughhousing (because we've all put our fist through an entertainment center when we were messing around.)

Can Brian Dawkins play offense too?