X Right, 238 Schlong

What is it about the Super Bowl recently that has turned it into a vessel for sexing us up? I know it has the attraction of a world audience, but the Big Game has had that since the 1980's yet only in the past four years have we had this issue.

The gold standard for Super Bowl nudity remains "Nipplegate" when Janet Jackson brought the FCC hammer down on every media program for the next few years. All of that for one gorgeous boob.

Now we have a new entry into the sexy Super Bowl reference section. This one reached a much smaller audience, but was a stronger dose of human yum-yum play.

Apparently the local cable affiliate in Tucson, Arizona gave viewers an unexpected bonus during a replay of Larry Fitzgerald's long touchdown reception. As a replay of the big play was shown, viewers were treated to up to 30 seconds of porn.

The best part about the story are the shaken residents reviewing the assault on their privates. From what I gather, the porn scene had some girl sitting with her hands down a guys pants. People stayed with it because they figured it was another GoDaddy.com commercial or something. Then the guy stood up and dropped his pants to reveal his chaff and then all hell broke loose.

Angry e-mails flooded the cable company as horrified people told the tale of how their third grader was in the room and saw EVERYTHING and how they were canceling their subscriptions to the cable company first thing Monday morning.

The thing that blows...my mind...on this is that they had just been watching grown men slam into each other for 4 quarters. They are watching replays of guys grabbing each other's face masks and fore-arming each other in the throat. And this was okay.

Then sex pops up and everyone freaks. I guess we are just a country founded on anger and violence.

I understand it's awkward with kids in the room watching. I'd feel awkward too if my kid asked me about it.

"Daddy, what are they doing?" "Uhhh, well, she's looking for her wallet and he gets up and he wasn't wearing a belt and his pants fell down. Wow, he must be embarrassed, now let's go pick out the clothes you're going to wear tomorrow. NOW."

30 seconds of porn is not going to turn kids into drug using whores though. In fact, I'm guessing that kids would think nothing of that scene if parents didn't freak out about it so much. It's like when a toddler falls down bumps their head: if you just react like it's no big deal, they go on. If you swoop in and freak out, the kid cries.

So just chill out down there in Tucson. Of all the things to worry about in this world, 30 seconds of a twig and berries shouldn't destroy your life. It will just force you to decide if you want to be truthful with your kids or if you want to create a wonderfully elaborate story to completely hood-wink them for a few more years.