Feeding The Beast

Did you ever see the movie Desperado? It's a movie about Antonio Banderas wondering around Mexico with long hair and a guitar/gun case, talking in a sexy voice to all the ladies.

During one opening scene, Steve Buscemi walks into a Mexican bar full of thugs and unfortunate humans. He launches into a detailed story about this mysterious man who walked into a similar bar a few towns away and killed every single miscreant in there. By the end of the story, every patron in the bar is hanging on Buscemi's words about this larger than life destroyer of bad men. The man is just Antonio Banderas, but the story that proceeded him had every man shaking in their boots at this mysterious man's abilities.

That is the direction this story about Jordan Crawford dunking over LeBron James is headed. The play was probably just a simple instance of LeBron getting a slow jump at Crawford. This was a camp after all, it's not like this was an NBA playoff game. It wasn't even a regular season game. I bet if I saw the footage of Crawford's dunk, my reaction would be: "huh".

But now that Nike and James have confiscated the tape, they have played right into the jaws that is the 24 hour sports news channel. With a constant need to fill time, the unknown is actually more coveted than the known by the ESPN's of the world. Thanks to the mysterious aspect now attached to it, this alleged dunk has taken on a life of it's own.



Maybe if the attention keeps getting bestowed onto him, Crawford might actually jump several spots up on the NBA draft charts. All because of a pickup dunk that no one can see.

Even Kobe Bryant is getting some face time thanks to his NBA rival:



And it's all because of the great LeBron cover up. My God Nike, you people should know this stuff. In the media world, when a fire starts, you let it burn itself out quickly. Instead you've just given the thing an entire off-season worth of speculation which happens to be it's favorite food.

It's not a good off-season to be the King.

Smart Or Just Shady?

Have you or one of your friends ever lost a job or been passed over for a promotion? Usually we assume the person who gets chosen is either young and cheap or they have some sort of relationship with the boss.

Nepotism has long been one of the most prominent and often louche parts of business operations. Sports is full of it; franchise owners often bring in family members to help run the business while long time executives are left on the outside looking in.

Chalk up the Chicago Blackhawks as another franchise that has dabbled with the n-word.

The hockey team has "re-assigned" (see: fired) general manager Dale Tallon less than two months after the team he built made it to the Western Conference finals, the first time the Blackhawks have seen that kind of playoff success since Vanilla Ice was popular.

In Tallon's place goes assistant general manager, 36-year-old Stan Bowman--who just happens to be the son of legendary coach and current Blackhawks senior advisor of hockey operations, Scotty Bowman. To sum up: long time general manager ousted after a successful season and replaced by the senior advisor's young son.

Let the "life's not fair" lessons begin.

Before idealists like myself fly off the handle though, there are a few details that might make Tallon's dismissal more understandable.

First, though he did build last year's successful team, Tallon has had his share of huge blunders in the free-agent market. He overpaid for several veterans that gave little in return, and just this past season he handed Marian Hossa a 12 year contract worth $62 million. That move looks great on the surface: steal talented player from arch-rival Red Wings and make your team better in the process. The problem is that Hossa is 30 years old. General sports logic says he will start declining within five years and then the Blackhawks will be stuck with a fossil who has an untradable contract.

Meanwhile, the Hossa deal forced Chicago to let Martin Havlat, last year's leading scorer, go and now young studs like Duncan Kieth, Jonathan Toews, and Patrick Kane will be much more difficult to sign. Tallon says the Hossa deal won't jeopardize the re-signing of any young Blackhawks players, but now the team may have to overpay all the you studs since it overpaid for Hossa. Owners generally don't like that kind of news.

Tallon also takes the blame for a paperwork snafu that nearly cost the Blackhawks several restricted free-agent players. (Conspiracy theorists will say he was set up, but either way, he was the general manager when this happened.) It was a stupid mistake that should never happen in professional sports. Not a real good way to keep the confidence of your boss.

Still, Blackhawks executive Rick Dudley left the team to take up a similar position with the Atlanta Thrashers a few weeks earlier. Why would an executive leave a franchise that was just one series away from the Stanly Cup finals with a young core of players in order to take up the same position with a team that has sucked forever? Maybe he saw the writing on the wall and got out while he could.

Stan Bowman could end up being a great general manager who helps put the Blackhawks over the top and bring a long awaited championship to the long suffering fans. Or maybe he just has the right D.N.A.

Something could be rotten in the state of Blackhawk.

Mad Dog Goes Gonzo

By now you may have heard that Chris "Mad Dog" Russo of "Mike and the Mad Dog" fame had a bit of a meltdown on his Sirius radio show "Unleashed" which is not doing so well in the ratings.

Russo spends nearly ten minutes railing against seemingly every co-worker he has saying that he needs a mulligan because he has "put together a staff that is incompetent" and that they have no talent. He refers to his staff as the Washington Generals and then basically fires people on the air saying they've been "eliminated." He then goes into some pledge to his listeners about how he'll search far and wide for hosts who know sports and can talk logically about the 1941 All-Star game...because I've been absolutely jonesing for talk about 1941 baseball.

Listen to as much as you can (I only made it to five minutes before I wanted to punch myself in the face.)



Now that you've listened/turned him off, tell me if Mad Dog's pacing doesn't sound like Johnny Depp's portrayal of Hunter S. Thompson in the movie Fear and Loathing is Las Vegas. Now all Mad Dog has to do is create a sartorial style that includes Hawaiian shirts and sunglasses. I bet Hunter S. Thompson could speak logically about the 1941 All-Star game....well, his logic.

Top NFL Receiver Combos for 2009

It's July which means it's time for the NFL over-analyzing to kick into high gear. Fox Sports just came out with it's pre-season top receiving combos for 2009. I know it means very little, but there are always a few surprises when publications rank things.

The top teams and bottom team make sense. On top of the list are the Arizona Cardinals with the other worldly Larry Fitzgerald and ornery Anquan Boldin. The New England Patriots are next with the Moss, Welker combo. With Tom Brady coming back, that team is definitely up the ladder.

On the other end of the spectrum sit the Raiders with their gauche owner who drafts like it's 1975. The team spent a top ten pick on a receiver who hasn't even made it through a mini camp yet and frankly, no one gives the Raiders the benefit of the doubt when it comes to personnel moves.

One of the interesting teams on this list sits just in front of the Raiders at number 31 out of 32 teams: the St. Louis Rams.

I agree the Rams have very little receiving help this year and that is the first time in a loooong time I could say this. Even when the team sucked in the 1990's, they had a young Isaac Bruce turning heads. Then the Greatest Show on Turf exploded onto the scene. Now it's a wasteland of a passing game. It's hard for me to wrap my head around that.

The Chicago Bears currently sit at 27 in the receiver rankings. Will new QB stud Jay Cutler change that up? Or will the lack of receivers move Cutler way down on the QB list? It's like the chicken vs the egg theory. What affects what?

Mediocre has never been used to describe the Colts passing game since Peyton Manning arrived, but Fox has the Colts ranked at 15...right in the middle and below teams such as the Buccaneers and Steelers. Really? I know Marvin Harrison is gone, but Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark, Anthony Gonzalez are only middle of the pack? Hmm.

The Eagles receivers sit in the top ten this year after the team grabbed DeSean Jackson and Jeremy McClain through the draft. Apparently there will be no more bitching about the lack of good receivers for Donavon McNabb to throw to in Philly. Yeah, right.

Speaking of top ten receiving corps....the FALCONS?! Has this team ever had a top ten receiving corps? I guess that's the difference between Michael Vick and Matt Ryan at quarterback: suddenly your high receiver draft picks look good. Add Tony Gonzalez at tight end and the revamping of the Falcons offense is complete. My what a difference a few years make.

Finally, the Broncos are ranked number seven. For now. This has everything to do with Brandon Marshall and Kyle Orton. If Marshall disappears into a funk this season or Orton can't get the passing game going, this receiving corps could free fall into the 20's.

It's time to start talking a little football because before you know it, the greatness that is the NFL will once again be on our televisions. What a magnificent day it will be.

The Exciting Game Of Paying Bills

If you haven't noticed, it's summer time which means baseball, inferno-like car interiors, and multiple news stories (delivered with full bravura) about pets, babies, and old people getting heat stroke due to negligence.

It's also time to watch your electric bill skyrocket like Bronson Arroyo's ERA. This makes sense. It's hot, you turn your air on more often, the bill inflates.

But have you looked at the itemized charges on your bill? Do you understand them? I don't. I currently live in Phoenix...in July....so it's going to be high, but what exactly am I paying for?

The Bill:

Basic service charge $1.62 - Okay, a service charge. Just something you deal with

Delivery service charge $30.32- Delivery? Is this a pizza? What's the difference between a basic service and a delivery service?

Environmental benefits surcharge $3.73- Well I'm glad this benefits the environment

Federal environmental improvement surcharge $0.15- Is there a Federal environment too? I figured the environment was the environment.

Competition rules compliance charge $0.31 - We get charged for you to comply with competition rules? That just sounds silly.

System benefits charge $1.71- Exactly which system is this? And what are the benefits? Is this like health insurance for the system or is it more like friends with benefits?

Power supply adjustment* $4.92- First of all, beware the asterisk. Secondly, did you undercharge me last time? Is that the adjustment? Do I get credited when you overcharge me?

Metering* $2.32- Tell you what. Call it "yarding" and charge me less.

Meter reading* $1.60- Wait, what's the metering charge? I'll be happy to go down and read my own meter, thank you.

Billing* $1.80- HA! You're charging me for the right to get billed? Where do I sign up?

Generation of electricity* $63.77- Well this makes sense. You're generating electricity. That's what I should be paying for.

Transmission and ancillary services* $4.79- Now you're just making stuff up. Transmission = delivery. You already charged me for that, you jackasses.

Transmission cost adjustment* $1.12- You already adjusted the power supply!

Interim rate surcharge $2.08- Is the rate higher just right now until you find a better rate? Where are you looking for it?

Taxes and fees- Ah yes, we haven't even reached the taxes yet.
Regulatory assessment $0.22
State sales tax $6.88
County sales tax $0.86
City sales tax $0.00
Franchise fee $2.41

Total bill: $130.61

I understand the charge for generating electricity, the delivery charge of the electricity, the environment standards charge, and I suppose I'll take the taxes since those and death are the only constants.

That brings my electric bill to a total of $108.46. I just saved $22! And I didn't even switch to Geico!

Anyone have any bill complaints besides the generic "it's too much" statement? Let me know! And have a happy summer.

Texas Trio

There they are all staring at each other across the Lone Star state. Three NBA teams, all vying for control of the Midwestern division next year.

This is a good off-season to be a fervid basketball in Dallas, Houston, or San Antonio.

Before anyone gets delusions of grandeur, I'm not saying any of these teams can take out the Lakers in the west. Nah, you have to practically steal players from other teams (like say, trading away a box of Fruit Loops and receiving an All-Star forward named Pau Gasol or having a young Shaq simply abandon Orlando and sign a free-agent contract with your team) to be able to compete with the kind of transactions the Lakers make.

But for the wayward fans of the mortal NBA teams that have to work for a title, you'll like the high stakes games being played in Texas.

The fun started in San Antonio when the Spurs made a push for another title in the Tim Duncan era by trading away the aging Bruce Bowen, Kurt Thomas, and big white stiff Fabricio Oberto to Milwaukee in exchange for Richard Jefferson. Jefferson will had some offensive oomph to a team that had trouble scoring at times last year. If Manu Ginobili returns to form (much to my girlfriend's chagrin), the Spurs could be pretty salty next year.

Houston didn't start off too happy during this NBA off-season when the team found out that moo goo gai pan center Yao Ming may not return from his foot injury for a long time. Couple him with constantly injured guard Tracy McGrady and you have a disaster of a team in Houston.

Yet, the Rockets always seem to hang around and they even took the Lakers to the brink in the second round of the playoffs. The team got a bit more exciting when the traded for second round draft pick Chase Budinger out of Arizona. Budinger went on a draft night free fall, but he can run and jump with any incoming rookie. Now the team has traded away defensive forward and noted idiot, Ron Artest in exchange for Trevor Ariza. The move isn't an obvious upgrade in talent, but you won't find Trevor Ariza making the Rockets P.R. department squirm because of this unstable tribute to Michael Jackson (warning- cussing and stuff):



That brings us to the Dallas Mavericks. Mark Cuban is always looking to a make an off-season splash, but he's been relatively quiet since he traded away the team's future for Jason Kidd.

Never one to sit on his mistakes (that trade was an unfortunate trigger happy attempt to keep up with the Laker's theft of Gasol), Cuban found away to keep the Mavs in the thick of the Western conference race. First he made sure the New York Knicks didn't steal Kidd by signing the veteran guard to a three year extension. Then today, Cuban managed to finalize a brain wrenching four team deal that brings Shawn Marion to town. Marion instantly adds athleticism to a team that sorely misses it. Plus, the Mavs didn't have to give up any major players to get him.

So that's where we stand today. Three teams in Texas all trying along with the Denver Nuggets to catch the Lakers. If it doesn't work, you can't blame the teams for not trying. And that's the way it should be.

Big Brother Is Apparently Watching

We just celebrated Independence Day, but apparently Nike thinks we live in China (which makes sense I guess since that part of the world is where most Nike products are made.)

According to Gary Parrish of CBSsportsline, LeBron James got posterized on the wrong side of a wicked dunk by Xavier's Jordan Crawford at the LeBron James Skills Academy. Basically, the King got dunked on in his own castle.

Hey, this stuff happens. There are a lot of talented basketball players out there and it's only a matter of time before you get shown up on a play. It's not like Crawford did it over and over again. It was one amazing feat where Crawford reached his apogee and made a highlight play over one of the top players in the game. One that I'm sure lots of basketball fans would love to relive on youtube.

Too bad. Nike confiscated the tape.

According to Parrish, as soon as the play went down, Nike officials at the camp went about quickly demanding all the video from the cameramen. No one will ever see that play.

I hope to God I'm missing some part of this story.

If this story turns out to be true, I will NEVER buy another Nike product ever again. I hope everyone follows suit so Nike executives can "Witness" the company taking a complete bath.

And LeBron doesn't get out of this either. It's easy to just assume LeBron was busy and had no idea what was going on with the video issue, but this is LeBron's academy and he will eventually get wind of this story. He could ask Nike to go ahead and release the video....if he had any balls.

But this is a man who claims he wouldn't shake hands after his team lost to the Orlando Magic because he's a winner. He's obviously not used to being shown up and perhaps his inflated ego can't handle someone actually being better than him for even a play. He's always been the best so that's how it has to be.

If this video isn't released or isn't at least resolved, I will root for the complete failure of Nike and will probably root against LeBron for the rest of his career, fair or not. I've had it up to my neck with King James' ego and nothing would be more wonderful than to watch that man get humbled in the face of a ringless NBA career.

Then again, I've always rooted against Kobe and we see how well that turned out.....can you just release the damn video, Nike? That way I can put down my revolutionary flag and go on about my life.