Ah, the Wonderful Sports Fan Superstions

I'm a superstitious sports watcher.

I'm sure I drive my girlfriend crazy with all of my shenanigans on game day. In everyday life, I'm a fairly logical person. During a big game, I suddenly turn all OCD and begin repeating movements and mumbling to myself like Rainman.

I think most sports fans have some bizarre habits like this. If you're sitting in one chair and your team is losing...you move chairs. Simple. If you scratch your butt and there is a big play, you start scratching your butt before every big moment. Shirts are changed, plates of food are rotated, beer types are switched, the dog is let in or put outside, cats are shaved... it's really sick and fun to watch.

Now there is word out of South Carolina that a lady started a little tradition that she tried to bring to the masses of Panther country:

Julie Maloney is advocating "Pants off for the Panthers" which is her own personal pants off dance off. Julie discovered years ago (during the Panthers Super Bowl run of 2004), that when she neglected to wear anything on the bottom half of her body, the ole boys from Charlotte won. The pants off mojo was confirmed when Maloney went to a friend's house to watch the Super Bowl. Being a lady, she wore jeans that night and the Panthers lost to the Patriots.

These days Maloney goes pantsless with every opportunity. She generally stays home to watch games which cuts down on the arrests, but even when she's out, Maloney tries to circumvent the pants rule by wearing skirts. It helped the Panthers achieve the 2nd best record in the NFC this season.

No word if Maloney was wearing pants by accident when the Panthers lost to the Cardinals. She can take solace in the fact that Jake Delhomme was also wearing pants which is no doubt why he threw 34 interceptions that game.

The Cardinals are a team of destiny my friends. They took out the Pants off tradition. Now it's time for them to take out the great Philly get incarcerated for being an obnoxious ass because I'm so miserable tradition.

Eva Sale en un Miembro (that's Spanish for Eva goes out on a limb)

I actually should translate that into French: Eva sort sur un membre.

Obviously if I'm talking in both Spanish and French, I'm talking about Eva Longoria Parker. The Desperate Housewife/NBA spouse.

Eva made some huge waves recently with her declaration to Glamour magazine. Apparently, E.L.P. doesn't like spouses who cheat.

According to the New York Daily News "If she discovered a pal’s man was unfaithful, “(I’d) tell her,” the Desperate Housewife declares in Glamour magazine’s February Man issue, adding that she’d even resort to sneaky tactics to expose the guy.
“I would probably take a picture with my camera phone first,” she says. “It’s tough, because sometimes people kill the messenger. But I think the truth always comes out, regardless of who tells us.”

A couple of things:

First of all, if you're out with your mistress, go ahead and cross the street if you see Longoria coming because she'll expose you. Though people probably can't see her coming. She's tiny and I bet she can move like a ninja.

Secondly, I'm glad Eva declared her feelings towards cheaters because all of the women I talk to LOVE it when their man cheats on them. It's like the 4th of July and Halloween all mixed into one moment. I haven't spoken to every female in the United States, but I'm going to guess that Eva's stance is fairly normal considering Alanis Morissette's debut album, the movie Fatal Attraction, and Lorena Bobbitt.

Of course Longoria did the smart thing for someone who hates unfaithful men: she married an NBA player. Those guys are synonymous with fidelity.

Maybe that's why Eva is doing this. Her little "declaration" may seem commonplace, but it's actually a thinly veiled threat at her husband. She's saying "Tony, even if you think you're avoiding me, my girls will be out hunting you down and they will cell phone camera your ass."

I'm not saying Tony is cheating, but NBA players have more illegitimate children than Thomas Jefferson. Eva could just be playing the averages.

All I can do is offer a world of advice to Tony: if you are cheating and you impregnate someone, tell your mistress to just blame Shawn Kemp or Travis Henry. They're used to it.

He Only Got One, but He is a Good Human Person

Tony Dungy will no longer quietly stand on the Colts sideline.

Who else will Americans cheer for if their hometown team isn't in the playoffs?

I've never met a person outside of Boston who dislikes the Colts. Peyton Manning seems to be in every entertaining commercial on television and Chester Taylor look-alike Joseph Addai has outperformed fellow RB (and earlier draft pick) Laurence Maroney.

Unfortunately, Dungy is better known for all the times he didn't make the Super Bowl. He built a great winner in Tampa yet never made it to the Super Bowl with that team. Then scream-a-holic Jon Gruden watlzes in and gets one on the first try. In Indianapolis he won the big one once, but he has the best QB in football at his disposal. One?

That leads me to my question of the day:

Would you rather have a classy coach with only one Super Bowl win even though he has a franchise QB? Or would you have several Super Bowl wins with a social disaster of a head coach like Bill Belichick or Bill Parcells?

I know your first reaction is "bring on the Super Bowls!" Understandable.

But just think on this: what do you remember about those great Cowboys teams from the 90's? Do you think of Aikman running around with this pointer finger up in the air after a Super Bowl victory? Or do you think of Michael Irvin snorting cocaine off of a hooker's boobs? I'm guessing more people have the image of Irvin going to court in his full length fur coat more vividly than him scoring touchdowns.

Aside from Marvin Harrison allegedly running around shooting people at car washes, you can't really say anything bad about the Colts. In fact, the only thing I can say bad about the Colts is that their tight end pisses me off more than any fantasy player in the history of mankind.

So think on it. You only get one Super Bowl win, but you can make fun of other teams for having really unfortunate humans who hate their life running the franchise.

What Would Jesus Do? Play QB for the Gators Apparently

I need to meet Tim Tebow.

I feel like I'm missing out on a life-changing experience. Never have I heard so many different commentators fawn all over a single college player. And Brent Musburger wasn't even involved!

I've always been told you can't measure the size of a player's heart. Commentators say that at every NFL Draft. Well, now you can. All you have to do is measure how much smaller his heart is compared to Tebow's because clearly no one has EVER had the willpower and leadership skills he possesses.

Bizarre old coach Lee Corso called him the best 4th quarter leader and player he has ever seen. Wow, that's not a knee jerk reaction or anything.

John Elway? Bah.
Vince Young? He sucks.
Joe Montana? What has he ever done?

Corso apparently decided that one compliment wasn't strong enough, so he amended it by essentially saying that Roger Staubach is the only player that could even sniff Tebow's jock in terms of competitive fire. All the rest of you great players of the past can just go on home, we have a junior from Florida who is perfect.

But let's talk about Tim Tebow the person...

I've heard that so many times I can write in and tell everyone what Tebow has done by memory. I'd say I know it by heart, but I don't know how much storage room my puny little pumper has next to Tebow's. Don't want to sell myself short.

We all know he's a missionary. He helps out children in small island coutnries and has taken his work to Asia and the moon. Everyone outside of the U.S. roots for Tebow and Superman wears his pajamas.

Then when Tebow thanks his lord and savior Jesus Christ after every victory, people cheer as though it's something that's never been uttered before. Does that make anyone else a little uncomfortable? I don't care if a player thanks God or Jesus for a victory. If your faith is what helped you make it through the season grind, then thank away. I just really don't like the approving claps and cheers afterwards. It's like being on a giant daytime talk show.

"Oh listen to that honey, he thanked Jesus for the win. What a nice young man. I'm going to name our next child Tim Tebow."
"But we're Jewish, dear."
"I don't care. I want my next child to be Tim Tebow Ari Epstein."

Tebow is a great talent on a great team. So is Sam Bradford. So is Colt McCoy. And I believe both of those other QB's are pretty good human beings as well. McCoy even led his team in several 4th quarter comebacks this year. The one loss to the Red Raiders was when the D gave up points AFTER McCoy led an amazing comeback.

That doesn't matter though. Tim Tebow is out there and is the equivilant of a solar eclipse for the other great players in college football.

"You built 24 houses for the poor over spring break? That's neat. I hear Tim Tebow built a skyscraper in Mexico City by himself using a power drill and toothpicks."
"You inspired your entire offensive line to lose weight? Huh. I heard Tim Tebow turned all of his linemen into decathletes."
"You got married? I hear Tim Tebow is secretly wed to a former Ms. USA and they are raising foster children from Vietnam."

I really gotta meet this guy.

Al Davis, Where You At?

In a turn of events that I'm sure comes as a huge surprise to everyone, Pac-Man Jones has allegedly screwed the pooch yet again. ESPN is saying that Pac-Man actually put a hit out on someone in an Atlanta strip joint.

First of all, let me congratuate Pac-Man. You sir, are keeping it real. You refuse to give up the thug life even when it means that you will be banned from a dream job that 75% or so of other males would, ahem, kill for. The other 25% are the Dungeon and Dragon players who want nothing to do with athletics.

Secondly, Jones is claiming that ESPN is dead wrong about the story. This wouldn't be the first time ESPN has screwed something up in their haste to get things reported. Ed Werder is not perfect you know. John Clayton is, but he's difficult to watch on T.V. I keep thinking he's going to give me accounting advice. Either one is better than Rachel Nichols and her purple hair. (I like her reporting fine, just not the hyper-color head).

Here's the thing though: Even if ESPN doesn't have the story completely right, this would Pac-Man's tenth allegation. TENTH? I wish Jones had played college ball out on the west coast because he brings new meaning to the term Pac-10.

This brings us to one conclusion. If Jones isn't banned for life from the NFL, he will be required by NFL law to go to the Radiers. Oh yeah. Pac-Man, Michael Vick, and T.O. all need to head to the Bay area. Albert Haynesworth too. He might take a while since he's a top defensive tackle right now, but he needs the freedom to Riverdance on people's heads if he wants to. He'll get that chance in Oakland.

The Radiers suck. They will suck from here on out as long as that management system is in place. So why not make the Raiders a fun side-show? They could be like the Miami Hurricanes without the talent. Seriously, they would be the bad guys that every team had a chance to beat. This is the new hope Obama adminstration. So if you've lost faith in humanity, go watch your NFL team take out a group of convicts and phsycopaths! You'll come away feeling that all is right with the world. Sort of like a Michael Bay movie. Just as cheesy too.

So will Grandpa Darkness please step up? I know ole' Al isn't feeling quite as spry these days, but he still has enough in him to cause a media circus as evidenced by his duel with Lane Kiffin. Plus, Al needs to get back into the drivers seat of over-the-top owners. Jerry Jones has taken the mantle in recent times as he looks to destroy the foundation Bill Parcells built for the Dallas Cowboys.

Do it Al. Take back your rightful title as most overly-involved annoying owner who has no business doing what he's doing. It could be your NFL swan song before you drift off into the abyss and check into the Saddam Hussien suite down in Hades.

We know, We know...BCS = Broken Crappy System: Have fun with the debate

So by now seemingly every sports journalist has decided which football team should ACTUALLY be college football champion. And the national championship game hasn't even happened yet.

Before the bowls started, the talk was how Texas got screwed out of the national championship game. The logic made sense: Oklahoma was in the national championship game. Texas had beaten Oklahoma head to head and had the same record. Therefore, Texas should be in the championship game. (Texas Tech only had one loss too, but the Red Raiders once again had a Glass Joe non-conference schedule, so they were left out of the discussion).

After Texas struggled to beat Ohio State in the Fiesta Bowl, however, the Longhorns are no longer the team that got screwed. Forget that they drove the length of the field in the final two minutes to win, or that Colt McCoy threw for 414 yards against a senior-laden Ohio State team desperate for redemption in bowl games. The Longhorns didn't destroy the Buckeyes and therefore didn't deserve a championship.

Now it seems people fall into one of two camps:

The first says that USC is the team that got screwed. They destroyed Penn State in the Rose Bowl (wow, who saw that coming) and looked unstoppable.

The second says that Utah got screwed because they are the only undefeated team and they blasted an Alabama team that was number one for several weeks.

Sigh.

Okay. First of all, I agree that all three of these teams have an argument- for and against.

USC looked unstoppable, but they lost to an Oregon State team that was man-handled by Penn State earlier this year.

Utah is undefeated and beat Oregon, BYU, and Alabama. They also played Weber State, Wyoming, and San Diego State. Utah barely beat TCU 13-10 while Oklahoma beat that same Horned Frog team by 25 points. Utah beat a crappy New Mexico team 13-10. You think that score would hold in the Big 12 or SEC? I know it's flawed logic, just like the BCS. But we all know that many college football upsets happen because of the weekly grind that forces teams to win without playing their best every week. You play poorly against New Mexico, you can still pull out a win. You play poorly against Missouri or Mississippi, and you get knocked out of the title chase.

Texas played a tough schedule and looked prime for a spot in the national championship game, but a dropped INT against Tech sealed their fate. If you don't like the system, you can't give it a chance to not work. If Texas wins that game, there is no argument about whether they belong in Miami.

Before they lost to the Utes, even Alabama had a legit gripe about being excluded from the national championship picture. This is a team that went into Georgia and won big, held on to the number 1 ranking until the end of the season and then lost to Florida in the SEC championship game. If it were the Pac 10 or Big 10 (no conference championship), Alambama goes to the title game. But they didn't. And then lost to Utah. Oh well.

The point of this is that there isn't an answer in the current system. So just enjoy debating the merits of your team. Do you think Auburn fans have forgotten about 2004 when they were undefeated and yet passed over for the title game? The debate didn't rage afterwards because everyone just assumed USC would beat anyone since they bent Oklahoma over for a prostate exam 55-19. I bet Auburn would have loved a shot at USC though. And Auburn fans will be happy to tell you all about it while they spend the next decade watching Alabama dominate them.

So if you're a Longhorns fan, a Utes fan, a Trojan fan, or just someone who likes to argue stuff, remember: Just because someone is voted national champion, doesn't mean you have to recognize it. Argue away my friends.

And maybe watch the national championship game too.