Now Let's Stop Down Your Day For Some Not News.....

I really hate press conferences. They waste more sports time than almost any other activity.

There are some occasions where a press conference makes sense, but teams seem to live in some chimerical world where fans are actually interested in every possible thing an athlete has to say (which is often little).

The latest offender? The University of Oklahoma.

They announced a press-conference yesterday where superstar basketball man Blake Griffin would declare his intentions next year.

Let's see, he's the current player of the year and he's widely considered to be one of the top picks in the draft ensuring him millions of dollars.

Hmmmm. What is he going to pick?

So then Griffin does what we all knew he was going to do and declares for the draft. He says how much he has enjoyed college, but is ready for a bigger challenge....stop me if you've heard this before.

I don't need to stop down for a press conference to tell me what I already know. Griffin could have easily released a statement saying everything he needed to say. And the media's time would not have been wasted.

As a fan of the sport that is sports, I'd like to give a simple little guide to press conferences. Please feel free to add your own personal comments if you feel a detail needs to be included.

Okay for press conference:
A sports legend retires: When Shaq retires, I'm fine with a press conference. It's the end of an era for the NBA. Same goes with a Peyton Manning or Martin Brodeur. The team changes significantly when they leave.

On the flip side, I don't need to see a press conference if Stephon Marbury decides to retire.
A shocking announcement is made: Michael Jordan retiring for the first time falls into the category. Ricky Williams up and leaving football shocked us all. Magic Johnson announcing he has the HIV. Those are worth a press conference.

The team gets a new major player: whether it's through the draft or free-agency, big signings excite the fans and they want to meet their new superstar. I don't need a press-conference for a backup left guard, but I'd like to see the number one draft pick. Of course if the team in question is the Oakland Raiders, the number one draft pick may end up being the backup guard.

That's really all you need a press conference for. I guess some people might like the weekly conference that involves a game where the tight lipped coach begrudgingly gives information as media members attempt to word questions in a way that will trap the coach into either telling the truth or lying through his teeth. It occasionally gives us some audio gold when a coach blows up at a media question.

All the other press conferences are unneeded. Here are some particularly bad abusers of the uneeded press gathering:

A high school athlete announcing his college choice: High school football players are out of control with this issue. I'm tired of seeing some 17 year old kid call a press conference where he starts playing three card monte with some hats until he finally puts one on as his family cheers. I played high school football, can I dick around with some hats at a press conference? Completely uneeded.

An athlete announcing something we all already knew: See Blake Griffin. I don't need to hear a 20 minute conference that I could probably repeat out loud without even attending.

Corporate deals: Jerry Jones is particularly bad at this. I don't need to hear a press conference about a corporate partnership which will bring in more money to the already rich owner. That's just plain annoying.

Sports figures have leeway right now to call press conferences whenever they see fit. But maybe they should read The Boy Who Cried Wolf once or twice because if they keep abusing the media gatherings, they may find out that no one shows up in the future.

I bet my sports heart would go on.

And The Long March Begins In April....

Yep, that's about the way March Madness usually ends: a superior team sucking most of the drama out of the game by the second half, or in this case the first five minutes.

Last year we got treated to a fantastic game as Memphis bricked free-throws and Kansas hit a huge three pointer that eventually brought a title back to the heartland. That was a nice change, but the title game often goes out with a whimper as it did last night.

Plus, I didn't hear enough ridiculous pun-laden ending comments by Jim Nance! Double boo! I had a shotgun ready and everything!

Meanwhile, we had something referred to as Opening Day happening all across America. I admit I was into it, mostly because I got roped into a fantasy baseball league this year and I wanted to see if I had made horrible choices. But all the pageantry and bunting celebrating the beginning of baseball season is quite nice. Plus fly-overs are always sweet.

And now I'll lose interest in two or three weeks....

It's too much for my short attention span. 162 games? Just give me the Cliff's Notes version up until the pennant races kick into full gear.

This is why I hate playing fantasy baseball. I have to keep up with everything happening for the next six months so I don't end up fielding a team of corpses by July.

You probably are wondering to yourself, "why don't you just stop paying attention instead of bitching about it?"

If it were only that easy. But any fantasy player (even if you're coerced into it by pleading friends) worth his or her salt knows that just abandoning a team is an embarrassment even if you can claim nescience. It's just an unspoken rule among competitors that you won't just give up on your team. It sucks the fun out of a league and I don't want to be that guy.

So I paid attention yesterday and here are the knee-jerk (and probably false) conclusions I came to:

This is the Mets year: I have plenty of friends who are Mets fans who will now blame me for cursing their beloved Metropolitans by picking them to win, but the Mets have finally put it together. They only beat Cincinnati 2-1, but the Mets waited patiently for Reds ace Aaron Harang to tire, then pounced on him for two runs. Meanwhile, Mets ace Johan Santana only gave up one run while the new bullpen duo of J.J. Putz and K-Rod shut out the Reds for the final innings. That's how you play baseball.

Plus, the Phillies got torched by the Braves Derrick Lowe. If Lowe does that to the Phillies, Santana will destroy them. Mets take the division easy and might be the second coming of the 1998 Yankees.

Speaking of the Yankees.....

The Yankees wasted a lot of money and will go down in flames: The always over-spending Yankees gave the finger to this global recession and spent $423.5 million on just three of their big free-agents. Once again it's World Series or bust! And they busted yesterday. $161 million pitcher C.C. Sabathia only lasted four innings and gave up six runs to Baltimore. Baltimore! What a horrible pitcher. Meanwhile $180 million dollar man, Mark Teixeira batted four times and got zilch. Left five men stranded on base. Yeah, he's worth it. FAIL.

The AL West is AWESOME!: Texas destroys last year Cy Young winner Cliff Lee and beats the Indians 9-1. Seattle unloads on the Twins 6-1. The only team that lost was Oakland and they lost to the division rival Angels. No doubt the A's would have easily beaten most other teams.

The Pirates are back to contender status: They came out of nowhere to beat the pre-season playoff contender St. Louis Cardinals, showing that times are changing. Maybe it's because of those two Indian pitchers they signed.

There will no longer be baseball in Kansas City, Tampa Bay, Boston, and on the south side of Chicago: I understand why the Royals would fold and the White Sox just don't have the backing that the Cubs do. Tampa Bay picked a bad time to fold since the team was in the World Series just last year. I guess the blue mohawks weren't enough. I'm really surprised by the Red Sox. I always thought that was a pretty popular team. Oh well, the MLB probably didn't want to have any more teams named after Sox.

AL MVP: Adam Lind- OF Toronto--Lind is putting Toronto on his back in their bid for the AL East which is up for grabs since it no longer includes Boston or Tampa. He's 4 out of 5 and has six RBI's. What a stud

NL MVP: Hanley Ramirez- SS Florida-- Great things were expected for Ramirez and he didn't disappoint. He got five RBI's in only three at bats. That's efficient.

AL Cy Young: Felix Hernandez-- goes deep into games and can strike you out.

NL Cy Young: Derrick Lowe-- Finds a perfect place in Atlanta and shows what he can do.

World Series: New York Mets over Texas Rangers--Series go seven games and only ends when K-Rod gets Jarrod Saltalamacchia to pop up with two men on base.

Wow, what a season! Is it time for football yet?

Underdogs In Every Way

Now that your March Madness bracket has been burned to the ground and the power of Big East basketball has disappeared in a puff of smoke, it's time to crown a new college basketball champion tonight.

You have no doubt heard that the Final Four is being held in Detroit this year and I'm sure you've also seen the multiple stories about how this Final Four can bring just one night of reprieve to the hard luck city of Detroit where citizens are looking for any sort of aegis from the daily grind. And look, a team from Michigan is playing for the championship!

Yes, the Spartans are an underdog to pre-season favorite North Carolina. No, Michigan State doesn't have the athletes to hang with the Tar Heels if the two teams play a wide open game, so the Spartans have to be careful with every possession so that the game doesn't get out of hand quickly. Yes, Ford Field will be filled with Michigan State fans rooting for their little David to stop the championship run of a basketball Goliath.

I usually get a tired head from reporters finding a story line before a championship game and beating it into the ground from every angle conceivable thereby making it a bigger deal than it actually is.

This is not one of those cases.

Living in Detroit sucks on a good day, but now it's even worse than you think. The more I read, the more I wish a mercy rule could be given to the city (and that's saying a lot considering the number of obnoxious Red Wings fans I've had the misfortune of being around.)

We all know Detroit has a high unemployment rate. But it's worse than high. The national rate has hit an incredibly high 8.5%. That's not even half of Detroit's unemployment rate which sits at a mind boggling 22% as of March. (Insert pun about March Madness in Detroit.) That's high enough to help Michigan rank 51st out of 50 states in unemployment which includes District of Columbia. That's like a Spinal Tap ranking system.

Want to go to the store and buy some groceries? Too bad. The grocery stores have closed in Detroit. You'll have to go to the Kwik-E-Mart and get overpriced milk that expires in three days.

So why not just sell the house and get out, right? That's not much of a choice either. Even if you could find a buyer, the median price for a house in Detroit is around $7000. You might pay more for a used car.

Throw in the snow, pollution, violence, shoddy civic leadership, and utter collapse of the economic backbone, and you have a metropolitan disaster area.

Even the sports teams don't help. The Pistons are collapsing, the Tigers have been a colossal disappointment after the World Series appearance a few years ago. Sure, the Red Wings brought home a title last year, but that was offset by the record setting joke that is the Detroit Lions.

I'm not sure how reporters think a Michigan State title will somehow make everyone happy in their beat down of a Detroit life, but if you're desperate for anything to make you happy, I guess it'll have to do.

Go Tar Heels.

Soooo About That Whole Trade Thing.....

The Washington Redskins brass met with Jason Campbell yesterday to see if everything was cool with the quarterback after the Jay Cutler saga.

Redskins vice president of operations Vinnie Cerrato said "We met with Jason today and had a candid discussion. We told Jason that when Jay Cutler became available, we, like many other NFL teams, spoke with the Broncos. We are all on the same page, and we are moving forward."

I'm pretty sure Jason Campbell already knew the Redskins had spoken to the Broncos. There were rumors flying everywhere that the Redskins were close to a deal for the quarterback. In fact, the Bears apparently stepped in at the last minute to outbid the Redskins.

Now Redskins management is trying to make it sound they simply inquired about the trade. Sure. And the drunk dude at the bar is simply inquiring about sleeping with the hot girl standing next to him.

The Redskins would have done the trade in a heartbeat had the Broncos wanted it. Vinnie Cerrato knows it, Jason Campbell knows it, and despite the attempt at downplay, every NFL fan knows it. We aren't flummoxed by Cerrato's words like slack-jawed bystanders in 'Men in Black'.

Now the team is stuck with a quarterback who knows they don't want him and are being accused of tampering during the signing of their $100 millions free agent defensive tackle.

That ought to be a fun locker room next year. A group of mercenaries brought in by the ultimate mercenary in owner Daniel Snyder. He has proven that he will get rid of anyone at anytime if he finds something he likes better. Some fans may enjoy this since he will definitely spend the money to get the big named player.

Then again, the Redskins have only made the playoffs a couple of times in the decade since Danny War Bucks bought the team and have never had any sustained success. Meanwhile, Snyder goes through coaches and players like a puppy goes through dinner scraps.

Maybe if the Redskins tried to actually grow a locker room scene instead of constantly turning over the team, the Redskins would have more success.

But that's not the way Snyder does business. So Washington enters next season with a nearly discarded quarterback leading an offense designed by a coach who everyone assumes will be gone as soon as Bill Cowher decides to return to football.

Good times at Fed Ex field.

I Salute Thou And Thy Balls

Wow, what a good decision that was to not post about the Jay Cutler situation yesterday...

Now that the longueur between Cutler and the Broncos is officially over he's headed to Chicago, every sportswriter and blogger needs to weigh in on the trade.

Who got the better of it?

Is Cutler mature enough to lead a team?

Did the Broncos just let their future leave?

Did the Bears just become contenders?

How does John Elway feel about this? Okay, that one is stupid, but he did decide to weigh in on the whole Cutler situation. And when Elway speaks, Denver listens.

Everyone is re-hashing this trade and for good reason. It's one the biggest trades in NFL history and THE biggest trade involving a QB.

The only thing close to it is Steve Young to the 49ers and by the time he was traded, Young was considered a possible bust. Young got to sit and learn for four years before finally turning into a Hall of Famer.

Yes, Brett Favre to Green Bay was a big trade too, but go back to 1991. Did anyone care one bit about Favre being traded? He didn't even start in Atlanta. This is only a big trade in hindsight because of Favre's success.

Every other major QB trade has to do with an aging veteran being shipped to a team who tries one last gasp run at a Super Bowl title before they have to rebuild (See Joe Montana, Brett Favre to Jets, Warren Moon, etc. etc.)

But not this one. This is the trading of a young, established, Pro-Bowl quarterback that was supposed to lead the Broncos to glory. Now he's in Chicago and three high draft choices are in Denver along with the doughy and bearded Kyle Orton.

It will drastically change the future of both franchises. We have no idea if it will be for better or for worse, but the future has changed.

And I say WELL DONE to both sides for pulling off such a huge trade.

Sure, the Broncos have a lot of questions to answer now that they let the face of the franchise leave in his prime, but did anyone give the Broncos a real chance next year? Did anyone give the Bears a chance?

No!

The Broncos were going to be a good offensive team that could win games if the defense held opponents under three touchdowns. This was a big if.

The Bears were a solid team with a running game and decent defense, but zero passing game.

Now both teams will be different. Maybe not better, but different. And I'm interested.

Give me the Bears and Broncos early in the season because I want to see what happens. Chicago has gone from boring and predictable into uncharted territory. They have a quarterback!

The Broncos have just turned into draft darlings because everyone wants to see what they're going to do with the team now that they have extra draft picks and are down a Pro-Bowl leader.

So before we argue over who won this trade and which general manager will go down in infamy, let us sit back and take this event in as an NFL fan. In a league where most franchise heads are ultra-conservative and afraid that any sort of major move will backfire on them, we got to witness a league changing trade.

Enjoy it now. These trades don't come around very often. And the NFL is better off for it.

Long live the big trade!

This Industry Keeps Getting Funnier....

Yes, yes. Jay Cutler has successfully burnt his bridges with the Denver Broncos and now the team is open to trading him, sending sports reporters from different NFL cities off to gambol amongst each other as wild rumors fly across the American sportscape.

I'm aware of the over reported situation and will post on it soon, including the insanity that is the Washington Redskins actually think they could trade a QB they don't like to the Broncos for a QB they like.

Meanwhile, life is happening and sometimes it's hilarious. Today the website Gawker uncovered a wondrous job listing that is so obnoxious, the company that posted it is just begging to suffer repercussions.

First of all, the magazine has to have a "go-getter" that can do 12 things at once. Wow! Where do I sign up? So we're talking about a high-stress job filled with multi-tasking. Okay, most jobs involve some of that anyways.

Now we get to the fun part. Remember when job experience was good? Yeah, not so much now. If you have ten years direct experience, they want nothing to do with you. Hmm. I've never heard of this before. Experience is bad. Because you might realize they're screwing you over. Only naive people please! Preferably ones who actually enjoy being paid in Skittles.

You're willing to relocate? Sod off. They don't want you and your dedication. They only want people who stumble out of their house and say "I guess I'll go down the street and get a job." This lowers expectations and when they burn you out and fire you, it will be a short drive home.

And, of course, the grand finale of the job listing: they want ROCK STARS baby! So only apply if you're name is Slash or Van Halen. Actually, I bet there are plenty of former rock stars that do need gainful employment.

My friends and I were instant messaging each other over this listing and we decided that we all need to apply of the position. And by "apply", I mean send in the most ridiculously over-the-top resume we can think of.

Here are a few of the ideas quickly discussed over IM. Keep in mind my friend is actually at a job, so she had the ability to think of this while working. Multi-tasking! She's already a candidate for the job!

me: Did you see this little bit of sunshine? I think it's funny:

http://gawker.com/5195029/magazine-so-tired-of-senior-desperate-editors-applying-for-job

friend: that's hysterical - I think I might apply

me: L said she was going to as well. And under salary requirements she was going to ask for $200K since she apparently is doing 10 different jobs

friend: nice!

I might add that I would have to work from home

me: Perfect! You know it's a changing business environment and we need our flexibility

And the ability to sit in our underwear and drink while we work

friend: i may also put on the application that i see myself as a rock star

so I will need to be paid in weed, cocaine and alcohol

in addition to the 300k a year

me: And whores

friend: and whores indeed

me: Just tell them you have experience as a rock star because you played guitar hero and got a high score when you played Motley Crue's Girls Girls Girls

friend: hahaha

done

I think we should seriously put in an application

me: I'm down. I hope that magazine gets inundated with fake resumes and cover letters that demand things like a tray of sandwiches flecked with gold or a top hat filled with perfume with a single plum floating in the middle

me: I need three cheeseburgers every Wednesday from the In & Out at Grapevine and 101 in Palo Alto. It can only be that In & Out. Don't try to pull one over on me because I can tell. It's the way the fries are cooked.....

friend: I also live within walking distance to Norwalk, CT

I live right outside an airfield in Boise, Idaho - once we land in CT I hear it's a 20 minute walk

so, I am going to need a plane

for me and my 6 kids

everyday

me: And I work better with the color blue so I'll need the plane decorated accordingly. Please no browns or blacks. It reminds me too much of autumn which reminds me of death.

friend: I also enjoy writing reports. I just wrote one on Jane Eyre (report available upon request)

friend: Autumn reminds me of death (that is hilarious)

Sent at 10:03 AM on Thursday

friend: Education : BA Philosophy

me: With a minor in liberal arts

friend: hahahaha

me: Isn't the world fun?

friend: it is now

me: I hope you don't mind, but I might use this IM as my blog post for the day. I know I'm supposed to write about sports (since that's my title) but sometimes there is something so ridiculous it needs to be addressed.

If we're lucky, maybe 500 people will send in fake resumes and cause several people to quit

After all is said and done, I think a different friend of mine summed up the resume perfectly:

J: Experience:
Exfoliating the backs of senior citizens with an ice scraper.
Education: Thomas P. Hughes Elementary School.
Salary Requirements: $14 per day (I eat nothing but grits and live in the woods).
Location: Norwalk, CT! (I'm perfect!)

Please send in the resumes. The more over the top, the better.

The Consumer Strikes Back

The Consumerist has come out with their annual "Worst Company in America" March Madness bracket in a fun little jape that brings attention to some of the sinister corporations of this country.

I'm here to give you my not expert analysis on the fake tournament:

AIG vs Target
Target has no shot in this first round matchup. AIG has been preparing for this matchup for years and this is it's year to shine.

Peanut Corp of America vs American Express
Tough battle, but I'll give the nod to American Express based on the historic bastardness of credit card companies.

Walmart vs Hewlett Packard
I'm going to say Walmart because of the complete destruction of the American values that Sam Walton originally instilled into his business. Yet many Americans still consider themselves patriotic for shopping there.

T-Mobile vs Best Buy
Weak bracket. Neither of these companies will advance too far. People have had personal problems with each, but both are low on the overall evil poll. I'll take Best Buy in this one.

Ticketmaster vs Time Warner Cable
Possibly the toughest bracket of the first round. Time Warner Cable has a monopoly in parts of New York and they act like it. My favorite move by TWC is the basic cable vs. the deluxe cable package. The difference is about $40 so if you're not a big TV person, you obviously don't need all 300 channels available in the deluxe package. So TWC takes out all of the most popular channels (anything ESPN for men, anything like Bravo for women) of the basic cable package trying to force you to buy the deluxe package. That said, Ticketmaster is pure evil and represents nothing good in this country. I'll take the master.

Apple vs United Health Care
Apple can be annoying with their cutting edge technology that makes your life a living hell to figure it out without paying Apple lots of extra money. But nothing is more infuriating to most Americans than figuring out health care. UHC.

Verizon vs Sprint
Both have the problems and both have annoying commercials. Verizon seems to have nicer customer service people (in my experiences) so I'll give the edge to Sprint.

Home Depot vs Citibank
The Depot has it's problems with shoddy workmanship, but this is Citibank. Give me the bank.

Comcast vs Direct TV
Comcast pisses me off to no end. I take them easily.

US Airways vs Capital One
Again, there is no way banks get knocked out in the first round. The banking industry is like the Big East of the Worst Company bracket.

General Motors vs United Airlines
GM gets one final push towards worst company since it may not be here next year. United will have plenty of time to make us crazy.

Sears vs Chase
Chase. Banks can't be held back baby!

Ebay/Paypal vs General Electric
I know I closed my Ebay account because I'm tired of dealing with it, so I'll take them. But GE is a classic contender.

Dell vs Chrysler
I've had some issues with Dell, but Chrysler has too much momentum this year.

AT&T vs Circuit City
Meh. Neither one gets me too worked up. I'll take AT&T on incompetence.

Starbucks vs Bank of America
Ohhh. Starbucks is always a darkhorse candidate, but this year the company got a bad draw. Starbucks have too nicely cleaned bathrooms to overtake B of A. The bank moves on.

My final four has Ticketmaster versus AIG on one side and Bank of America taking on Citibank on the other side. Comcast might be able to spring an upset, but I still taking banks.

Most people probably have AIG against Citibank for the championship. I'm going to take an upset though and pick yearly contender Ticketmaster to take the title again.

But if AIG wins it, I won't be surprised.