Lessons For A Sideline Reporter

Ah, the sideline reporter.

No other collection of beautiful women and ex-athletes can bring us such a bevy of mindless crap to show us the atmosphere in the stands.

Yet for all the boring segments that bring absolutely nothing to the broadcast, there is always the chance for gold be it scheduled or not.

The latest nugget comes from YES reporter Kim Jones. This poor lady has to find something interesting in the stands for every Yankees game so this time she looks to the food court at the new Target Field in Minnesota.

What Ms. Jones doesn't realize is that waving a pork chop around at a Yankees game is like swimming with a bucket of chum in an ocean full of sharks.

She should know better, yet it seems that she is still surprised when the inevitable happens:



UPDATED NOTE: As you see above, the Yes Network and Major League Baseball has become the Gestapo, sniffing out and removing any/all videos that might show the little incident, so I'll sum it up:

Kim Jones was staring at the camera discussing something about pork chops as she waved one around in the air to emphasize her point. At some point during her stand-up, a Yankee fan (carrying a cheap beer) walked up behind her and took a bite out of the pork chop.

Jones was flabbergasted and stumbled over the rest of her moment. Then a giant hawk came down and took away her microphone while a group of badgers wearing Twins caps crawled up Ms. Jones' dress. She seemed both horrified and excited by this. Finally, a man in a Kermit the Frog uniform began firing a potato gun full of caramels into the crowd which gave everyone a sugar high and so everyone began an impromptu version of "American Pie" while Minnesota catcher Joe Mauer wept.

Not everything above is true, but since there is no longer video to refute it, you can make up any scene you want in your head. I like badgers.

PantsCast May 25

Power for a 25 year old, snowball fights at the Super Bowl, and a superhero with a burrito in his pants.

Click here for burrito time!

Another Coach A Victim To Child Who Would Be King

I could care less that Mike Brown got fired as Cleveland Cavs head coach. I think it's funny that he won coach of the year last year and then got fired this year. That just shows you that winning a coaching award in the NBA is like winning a Grammy- it's a nice little piece of hardware to keep in your house to remind people of what you used to do when you're working as an insurance agent in ten years.

Brown didn't particularly look like he knew what was going on and his long term strategies were similar to those of a man named Cletus playing chess. He's gone now and I doubt you'll see him surface as a head guy anytime soon.

What is troubling about the firing is the wide speculation that LeBron James got Brown fired. The argument itself is pointless: Brown is gone. What stems from these discussions is the frightful amount of power that LeBron James has over the daily operations of an entire franchise.

LeBron was born in 1984 which makes him 25 years old right now. Yet he will decide on who gets hired in Cleveland next. The Cavs have to acquiesce to his demand if they want to keep him in Ohio.

And that's just messed up.

LeBron is an amazing basketball player. Without him, the Cavs sink in the standings and ticket sales sag. I get that.

But he's a 25 year old guy who knows nothing about running an organization. In fact, the thing that controls LeBron seems to be his ego above everything else. From his refusal to shake hands after losing the Orlando series last year to the removal of a video footage of a college guy dunking on him, LeBron look incredibly prone to the stupid little temper tantrums young people throw when their priorities are all out whack.

And the Cavs are prepared to go through LeBron to make all of the decisions. They have to. Or LeBron and the ticket sales will leave.

So while most 25 year-olds out there are finding out what it's like to be kicked in the teeth by life, whether it's by a fruitless job search, the sudden realization of how much money student loans rip out of your paycheck, or just how fleeting your job can be if a boss or co-worker just doesn't like you for some reason, LeBron is running an organization despite zero experience doing so.

You'll have to excuse me if I don't wear a Cavs jersey around.

What The Cavs Need Is Jake Taylor

By now you've probably heard about the rumors concerning LeBron James' mom having and affair with James' teammate Delonte West.

James' lawyer says that's not true, but he's, you know, a lawyer. Others claim that it's absolutely true, but they don't exactly have...ahem...hard evidence.

True or not, this rumor is now being blamed for LeBron's sudden disappearance from the playoffs against the Celtics. The NBA MVP apparently found out about the affair during the series and just mentally checked out.

You could also probably blame Boston's nasty defense for shutting LeBron down, but for argument's sake, let's just say it was the affair. How do you rebound from that next year?

I'll tell you how.

The Cavaliers need to bring in Jake Taylor to soothe things out. Taylor, of course, is the aging catcher of the possibly fiction Cleveland Indians baseball team portrayed in the movie Major League.

Now Taylor is a baseball guy, so he can't be anything more than a consultant, but he played for the Indians so he's already familiar with Cleveland. Perhaps his signing will help lure LeBron back.

The real value of Taylor comes in the form of moderator between teammates. Remember in Major League, Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn was seduced by Roger Dorn's wife as an act of revenge against Dorn's cheating ways. Then she told Dorn! What a heartless bitch! Didn't she know there was a pennant to win?

Anyway, the Indians arrived at the ballpark to play the Yankees for the pennant only to find out Dorn knew the Vaughn had slept with his wife. It was a tense period, but Jake Taylor managed to sort the whole thing out and with his help, the Indians won.

Taylor has the history the Cavs need for a locker room presence, plus, he's a proven winner. In fact, when Taylor left Vaughn, I hear Vaughn fell back into drug use and even threatened his spouse with a knife. Oh to have the silky interpersonal touch of Jake Taylor back!

The Cavs have the issue of re-signing Lebron, but if they get him back, Taylor should come right afterwards. He can show LeBron the ropes while possibly even brining in Willie Mays Hayes for a pep talk. The result very well could be a trip to the Finals. Then the Cavs could win a championship in spectacular fashion and while they're all celebrating in a crowd, LeBron punches Delonte West, then helps him up and they all hug in euphoria. I haven't decided if LeBron's mom would be part of that hug.

It's a Hollywood ending for Cleveland.

You Know That You're Stressed When...

Imagine being at the library doing some research/studying when this scene plays out in front of you:




Now in New York City, people are used to this kind of nonsense happening, so they play along and even applaud in the end.

Now imagine your city (if your city happens to be New York, just eat some 'shrooms and imagine. Just like John Lennon told you to do.)

Would people be as understanding? Would they treat this scene as a funny little occurrence in their day or would they get upset that their meticulously scheduled life took a detour? Would they even get the reference?

I firmly believe that here in Dallas, those guys would have been asked to leave by a librarian. But I could be wrong.

Wait, are there still public libraries that are that full of people?

Hanson Sings The Blues

Remember Hanson? Those little guys who sang MmmmmBop? Of course you remember them. You listened to that song! Yes, you! Don't go hiding and denying, you loved that stuff even if you secretly listened to it when no one was around. There are album sales to prove it.

I don't know what those guys have been doing besides growing up and getting married (did you know the middle one is actually a guy? I thought he was a cute girl back in the day), but they're back with a nice little ode to 60's soul.

Speaking of odes, if this video looks familiar, that's because you've probably seen it in the movie Blues Brothers before. Check it.




Now here is the Blues Brothers version:




Pretty close. Accept that the Hanson kid is white and not blind. And not Ray Charles. But you get the point. Nicely done, boys.

PantsCast May 17

Where for art thou King James, the unfortunate life of the power pig, and a new segment called "what's wrong with humans."

Pantsing full speed ahead, click here to jump the train.