NFL Beginning Early

Every sport wants to pull a Big Tobacco and get people addicted when they're kids. That's why we have youth leagues, kids nights at the stadium, and action figures.

But the NFL is going to take it one step farther by creating a 22 episode cartoon series this NFL season on Nickelodeon.

I know this is not a new idea, but it's the NFL's idea. Therefore, it will work.

The focus of the cartoon series is a 10 year old boy whose super powers include those of an NFL player. It doesn't say which NFL player. Maybe he can throw it like Peyton and run like Chris Johnson. Or maybe he's as big as Leonard Davis, but has the skill set Ray Rice. That'd be kind of weird for a 10 year old.

The boy has to protect valuable objects that are hidden beneath various NFL stadiums, like the heating coils underneath Lambeau Field and Jimmy Hoffa's body under Giants Stadium. It sounds like a twist on the Harry Potter series. A very muscular, violent twist.

Sean Payton and Eli Manning are among the NFL people lending their voices to the series. This is a bit disappointing to me since I was hoping Eli would just stand there with dumb face like he does in real life. But kudos to him for being involved.

My ideas for characters in the series include:

-Tony Romo always wearing a backwards baseball cap and with a different starlet on his arm at all times.

-Brett Favre with a long, grey beard and retiring once every episode only to come back

-DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart as some sort of Gemini twins who finish each others sentences

-Steven Jackson in a wheelchair

-A monkey cage, but instead of monkeys, it has wide receivers in it. They are fed through the cage and they do all the things monkeys do including screaming and throwing feces at one another.

-And of course, the evil character would be Dan Snyder who looks to horde all the players and secret objects for himself.

It'll be big. I'll be in pictures I tells ya!

Potugal Has Pissed Me Off

Far be it from me to criticize the traditional scoring system of the World Cup, but now that we're at the third game, we have a mix of two things:

One is the amazing contests between two teams trying to secure their positions in the final 16.

The other is a pathetic display of non-competition between teams that are already set to advance and just don't want to lose. So the teams barely goes on the attack and just sits on defense hoping to squeak out a 0-0 draw.

Portugal is that team. And I don't like them. I was already souring on those who live in the port on the gal because of the whining to the refs and obvious diving to draw penalties.

Now they went into a shell against mighty Brazil so as not to risk losing the game.

I know, the math makes sense. Portugal only needed a point to ensure that they moved on because of the 7 goal beat down they handed North Korea. So they didn't risk a thing and now they move on.

It just a bad taste in my mouth. The point of competition is to play you best and get a win. All Portugal did in the preliminary round is crush a less talented North Korea team. They haven't scored another goal yet. But because of the math, they needed to only draw with Brazil. So instead of a high-powered shootout between two talented teams, I turned the game off because it was so very boring.

It's the point system. Maybe winning should get an extra point. That way, teams would be more inclined to go for the victory instead of holding a tie and playing the odds. It's competition. Let it shine.

Leave the odds playing to Vegas.

Let's Calm Down With the Greatest Ever Talk

Yes, it deserves to be front page news. Yes, it was an astounding display of wills and determination.

No, it wasn't the greatest tennis match ever played.

People seem to be falling all over themselves to shower John Isner and Nicolas Mahut with compliments after their obscenely long tennis match at Wimbledon. Many of those compliments are deserved.

Isner and Mahut played one game over an incredible three day span before Isner finally won 70-68 in the final set. The match broke all sorts of records and captured our attention even with the World Cup going on.

That's all wonderful, but before you begin lavishing the marathon match with "greatest ever" tags, remember a few things:

Who?- Nobody but intense tennis followers know who these guys are. This isn't some classic match-up between two greats like Federer and Nadal. These are two unknowns that aren't favored to win anything.

It's Early- This was an early game in the tournament. Bjorn vs McEnroe and Federer vs Nadal were championship matches. They were playing for everything.

Aces- Isner had 112 aces and Mahut had 103, both records. Good for them, but to me, aces are what kills my interest in men's tennis. Why would I stop down and watch someone serve over and over again? Take a look at some of the all time matches and the one thing you'll see are incredible volley segments. Both guys cover the court and refuse to let any shot drop without a challenge. That makes for an all-time tennis match.

Isner and Mahut deserved to be congratulated for refusing to give in and playing through exhaustion to give fans a classic moment in sports. Just don't get too caught up in the moment. Longer doesn't always mean better.

PantsCast June 22

Do we care about the stolen goal? Kobe's place, broken arms, the French, JaMarcus back in Oak-town, and What's Wrong With Humans.

Enjoy the talking voices.

The World Cup Needs John Madden

No, not the actual John Madden, he wouldn't know what was happening (more so than usual), plus I don't believe there is a roadway that runs from the U.S. to South Africa, so the Madden Cruiser would have to become a submarine.

What I mean is that in soccer's great quest to become a relevant spectator sport in the states, it does itself no favors by putting British announcers in American games. People already see it as an outsiders sport, why hammer it home? Yet as I watch the World Cup, I keep find myself saying "Who talks like that?"

When I watch the World Cup, I want a guy who enjoys the game thoroughly and is almost a soccer idiot savant. He can be blunt, he can be blue, hell, he can be drunk. I just want him to show me that he can enjoy soccer in more than a "this is such a beautiful game" sort of way.

That's where the Madden comparison comes in. John Madden was famous for noticing all the little things during a game. Nothing tactical, but the little details of a game that the camera doesn't catch. He'd point out the sweat on linemen, he'd find if there was an issue with the Gatorade, and you can bet he'd find a guy who nearly tripped walking back to the huddle. Plus, he spoke in a way that made him seem like your kooky neighbor or your favorite bizarre uncle.

If you're not sure what I'm talking about, I can give you some hints. The following sentences should never be spoken on an American broadcast:

"That's a well struck ball."
"He needs to strengthen his fitness."
"Difficult first touch there."
"He used a heavy boot on that cross."

That's not how we speak here. And what's worse, there are American broadcasters he speak like that. Who are you, Madonna? You are American! We don't drink afternoon tea and we sure as hell don't describe a guy coming off of injury as getting his fitness back.

I want a guy who can show me the jersey grabbing, the smack talking, and who can make fun of the divers and divas in the soccer pitch. I'm sorry, I mean soccer field. If he's not American, he needs to be a drunk Irishman who is prone to angry outbursts.

What we need is soccer's version of John Madden. A guy who thoroughly enjoys the game and has a way to communicate that to the average American without making them feel like moronic rednecks. He sees things in the game that interest Americans: violence, feats of athletic achievement, and really embarrassing gaffes.

Just give the guy a telestrator and let him roll. Boom!

PantsCast June 15

World Cup thoughts, more insanity at the NFL quarterback position, the great football shift that wasn't, and What's Wrong With Humans.

Treat yourself to happy good times.

Who Has The Apple?

Last night as I sat through the Tony Awards (my girlfriend described it as her Super Bowl, so I couldn't argue), I found out several things:

-Mighty Mite Kristin Chenoweth has as much comic timing as any female lead in Hollywood, and she's just as hot.

-The Tony Awards have been completely whored out in the name of television ratings. Why else would big names such as Denzel Washington, Catherine Zeta-Jones, and Scarlett Johansson win the awards while average at best actors such as Katie Holmes get to present? Plus, viewers were treated to a mini-Greenday concert. Clearly the Tony's have gone Tinseltown. I guess they have to in order to be on television.

-Mark Sanchez apparently loves Broadway, especially the musical Memphis.

Wait, a supposed meathead football players is a fan of the theater? Well, good for Mark! Nothing will endear a New York athlete to the community around him than support for the New York theater arts.

Sure, plenty of athletes have gone into acting, but that's out there on the west coast. That stuff is a joke. This is real theater where only the strong survive. And Mark Sanchez, the California boy, likes it!

In another city, a revelation like this would vault Sanchez to the top of the local sports celebrity charts, but in New York, he may not even be at the top of his own position because he shares a stadium with one Eli Manning.

So who's the more popular New York quarterback?

Sanchez has the looks, he's well spoken, he took the league by storm as a rookie, and he plays for a crazy, smack-talking coach who doesn't shy away from the tabloid headline-making comment. And Sanchez is clearly a fan of the arts.

Eli Manning has a consistently vacant look about him and plays for a coach who makes Dick Cheney look like a fun-loving party animal. But Eli plays for the more traditional Giants team and he's a Manning, the noblest blood in NFL football. And most importantly, Eli has a ring.

I know Sanchez was just a rookie last year, so he has time to catch Eli. My thought is if Sanchez takes home a ring, he'll be able to surpass Manning as the toast of the Apple. But Sanchez will have to settle for second banana in the Big Apple until he touches some hardware other than a Tony Award.