Why Do I Like This Commercial?

I've said before that I don't like television commercials that try to be quirky just for the sake of being quirky. You've seen the ones I'm referring to: they don't makes any sense at all and that seems to be what the director was trying to do.

I've also said that I don't like commercials that make babies and animals talk. It just seems unnatural to me when that financial baby is sitting in an airplane seat telling me about how he takes care of his own stocks. I can dig when babies are thinking something, but when their mouths move and form actual words, it freaks me out.

So why do I like a Kia commercial with rapping hamsters? It's a bizarre premise full of absurd images and the hamsters actually rap. I crack up every single time I see it. Maybe it's because the commercial looks like 90% of the rap videos I've seen where the artists are taking themselves incredibly seriously, yet can be mimicked by a bunch of rodents:



I'm confused. I think I'll go buy a car. Or a pet hamster.

Lay Up

LeBron James' self-absorbed joke of a special is being ripped apart by 99% of the sports fans in this country.

So naturally comedians had to ridicule it and I think Steve Carell and Paul Rudd did as good of a job as we could hope for at the ESPY's last night.

Try to forget for a moment that ESPN was the station that allowed The Decision to air along with creating softball questions that it's minions lobbed at LeBron while every dead journalist turned over in their grave. Just enjoy the comedy that came out that horrible sports special:

PantsCast July 12

The aftermath of LeBron, the MLB trade that thankfully didn't happen, viva España, but will anyone around here care next time? Also, a stupid pedophile, which I guess is good in the whole scheme of things.

Pull the pin, Click here to listen.

Back From The Ledge

I was almost there.

First the LeBron nonsense (and every bit of the was nonsense) left me feeling not so much sick, but just hollow inside. I wasn't disappointed in LeBron, but that was because I didn't expect anything less than a full ego bath from him.

Then the Yankees had to step in and give me a double shot of suck.

Cliff Lee, the Seattle stud pitcher was on his way to everywhere from Minnesota to Tampa Bay via trade. I'm a Rangers fan, so I of course wanted him to go to Texas, but being a Rangers fan, I knew that somehow that probably wouldn't work out. Pitching never does down here.

That was okay. I wouldn't mind Lee in a Twins, Rays, or any other uniform. Except one.

And then it happened. Suddenly, the Yankees became the front runner for Lee. The Yanks. The team that already bought C.C. Sabathia, A.J. Burnett, and Javier Vazquez. Oh and they have Andy Petite too. If they added Lee, the team would literally have five All-Star pitchers on the team.

This is a team with the richest lineup in baseball. The infield makes more than several entire teams and they put up like numbers. They are the favorites to win the World Series again. Easily.

When the news came down, I talked to some of my Yankee friends about it and this is the part that kills me: they weren't even that excited about it. One of my friends actually said "I'm not really excited, but I'm not upset by it."

Well, that's good. I'm glad you're not angry that your team is getting another All-Star pitcher.

Could there be a better example of a spoiled rotten fan? They don't even get excited about major aquisition because they're so used to their team just stockpiling talent.

I was prepared to proclaim the competitive spirit of sports dead. There was no longer a balanced fight between two champions trying to get the ultimate prize. This was more of a way to circumvent rules in place to keep competitive balance or just the rich getting richer.

I don't blame the Yankees for what they do, it's perfectly within the rules. The system just happens to be broken in the MLB and New York is the poster child for how out of whack that it is.

But just as my hands were flying up in the air, something amazing happened: Lee didn't actually go to the Yankees. The fact that he went to the Rangers was just icing on the cake for me. The point is that New York finally didn't win the battle for aquiring talent. I've been pulled off the ledge.

At least until the end of baseball season when the Yankees outbid everyone and get Cliff Lee anyway.

The Day The King Died

So that decision is over and LeBron is off to the Miami Heat.

Some of the Facebook and Twitter posts I see range in tenacity, but they all say basically the same thing:

-It's easy to root against LeBron now
-Real competitors don't go to a superstar team to win
-The very short and sweet "F*ck you LeBron."

I'm guessing that's the just of the messages originating anywhere outside of Miami. I know this whole extravaganza has just been beaten to death, so I'll try to be short and sweet.

#1: ESPN is now officially a joke. What a pathetic display of "journalism." They spent an hour lofting softballs at LeBron so he could have his little one hour not variety hour. That made me sicker than ESPN usually makes me. Every person involved in that should go apologize to Edward R. Morrow tonight. It was fitting the Stuart Scott lead that thing.

#2: Let's get everything straight with what we're complaining about. Most people bitch about how athletes just follow the money wherever they go. This is not that case. This move was made to win championships. Remember that the next time you whine about a guy following the money.

Here are my conclusions:

LeBron is no longer the King. The King doesn't worry about joining other superstars to ensure a championship. Jordan stuck with the same team and it took him years to win. Then he won six. Hakeem spent years missing championships. He got his two at the end of his career. But it was his team. The Bad Boys were together for years before they got their two. Guys who won early like Magic, Bird, and Duncan got lucky enough to be drafted by teams that were ready to go.

What LeBron has done is effectively take the alpha out of his male. He's no longer the guy you build a team around because he can't handle being a foundation. He's not strong enough.

It's funny because LeBron kept talking about his legacy. His decison was made because he wanted to have his championship legacy. Well, maybe he'll get a ring, maybe he'll get several. It won't matter, his legacy is already tarnished. He couldn't hack it alone. He'll never live that down no matter how many rings he gets.

This is a guy who was given everything in Cleveland. Don't like what the G.M. is doing? He's gone. Don't trust the coach? See ya Mike Brown! Cleveland fans hung on his every word (which I'd think would be a plus for a man of that ego.) He was the hometown kid; whatever he wanted within reason would have been given to him. He was the man. Not for the Cavs, but for the entire city.

And it wasn't enough that LeBron just left Cavs fans out to dry. He had to call a one hour ego-fest to let Cleveland know that he didn't think he could be successful there. Imagine getting dumped by your hot boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse via cable television. They couldn't just leave you a note. They had to embaress you too.

Now James lies with Art Modell in the catacombs of Cleveland sports. He's reviled and he won't be forgiven soon by the jilted fan base. He was their shining light and he lit them on fire.

Look, it's a free country, but when you make the money these guys do, I think you have a civic duty to a city that drafts you. It doesn't always work out and I'm in no way saying guys should be stuck with whatever team that drafted them. But James had everything he wanted in Cleveland and he still left them. And he strung along fans while he did so.

This sets a dangerous precedent. Future stars may see this move as their chance to manufacture a championship. It goes against every priciple of sports competiton.

And what happens to teams located in places like Utah and Sacramento? Obviously, Cleveland doesn't have as much to offer as a South Beach for a young hip-hop guy like LeBron. Neither do places like Indianapolis or Milwaukee. They aren't bad cities and they have great basketball fans, but they just aren't big night scenes that young, rich guys might like. So should the Kings, Bucks, Pacers, Jazz, and others just pack up shop?

Tonight was a sad night that struck most people as a complete farce and insult to the competitive spirit of professional sports. While this might be a low moment, have no fear. Kevin Durant quietly signed an extention with the Oklahoma City Thunder. No bells and whistles, no hour long specials, not even a big market. The Thunder are young and talented. You now have your anti-Heat to root for, the ying to the Heat's yang.

Go Thunder.

PantsCast July 6

NBA insanity, Dutch delight, All-Star snubs, paid off by popcorn, and our favorite fatty strikes again.

Click Here and feast.

The Moment of Epic Cheese?

I know I'm a little behind on posting this. My thought is that I purposely ignored it in the interest of my mental health, but it needs to be out there if only as a deterrent for future artists.

Before we begin, let's all get on the same page. Sports arenas are one area where cheesy music is totally allowed. Hair bands, little pop hits, Mmm Bop, Spice Girls... it's all allowed.

We retch when "Who Let The Dogs Out" comes on our radio, but if it's played at a Cleveland Browns game, it doesn't seem so out of place. Nothing represents cheese like the Macarena, but I distinctly recall an entire stadium of Yankees fans doing it. Oh yeah, don't deny it macho boy. You might be strutting around with your hat sideways now, but you were putting your hands on your hips then.

The point is that sports arenas are generally a safe place for songs that might otherwise be ridiculed in a smaller setting.

That's why this song is so amazing. Scott Stapp (he of Creed fame) decided to write a song for his beloved Florida Marlins. Yes, the Marlins have fans apparently.

I guess his heart is in the right place, but I really can't understand how this is going to capture the imaginations of the other teal wearing baseball types in South Florida. Even in a sports setting, this song is so cheesy, it reaches Velveeta levels.

But maybe I'm being too harsh, so you decide for yourself: charismatic sports anthem or queso?