Hanson Sings The Blues

Remember Hanson? Those little guys who sang MmmmmBop? Of course you remember them. You listened to that song! Yes, you! Don't go hiding and denying, you loved that stuff even if you secretly listened to it when no one was around. There are album sales to prove it.

I don't know what those guys have been doing besides growing up and getting married (did you know the middle one is actually a guy? I thought he was a cute girl back in the day), but they're back with a nice little ode to 60's soul.

Speaking of odes, if this video looks familiar, that's because you've probably seen it in the movie Blues Brothers before. Check it.




Now here is the Blues Brothers version:




Pretty close. Accept that the Hanson kid is white and not blind. And not Ray Charles. But you get the point. Nicely done, boys.

PantsCast May 17

Where for art thou King James, the unfortunate life of the power pig, and a new segment called "what's wrong with humans."

Pantsing full speed ahead, click here to jump the train.

Are We Supposed to Applaud?

Trey Kerby of Yahoo Sports gave us what is supposed to be an uplifting article about how Kenny Anderson went back to get a degree after he fell on hard times after basketball. I get it. This guy didn't become just another statistic in the book of sports stars who fell apart after their career ended.

Is it really uplifting though?

For those of you who aren't aware, Kenny Anderson was a New York City baskeball phenom in the late 1980's and wound up as the second pick of the NBA draft in 1991. Talk about winning the lottery.

He made $60 million over his career, yet because of big spending (several luxury cars and expensive parties: just general lifestyles of the rich and famous stuff), and loose living (seven children by five mothers), Anderson ended up broke.

Now we're supposed to line up and give him love for going back to college and getting a degree? Okay.

Congratulations Kenny, you are not a complete and total failure as a human being.

But you did act like an idiot and somehow blew through $60 million. Excuse me if I'm not falling all over myself to shake his hand. Have you seen the economy? There are gobs of people who already have college degrees who end up working at the local Wal-Mart because there is absolutely nothing out there.

I know what the President has said about the econonmy finally turning around. I'll believe him when I manage to go to my local dog park one day and not meet at least one person who's out of work or completely under-employed.

While Kenny Anderson had several mansions, there are thousands of people like me out there who already got an education like we were told to do and now get to feel the sting of education loan payments every month. None of us got to have $60 million to start with.

So congrats Kenny. You aren't a homeless drug addict. But I hope you still speak to your den of children and that they have every opportunity to succeed with your child support payments and the mother isn't driving around in a Mercedes while wearing a fur coat.

It's called life; the majority of us deal with it every day. Welcome to the party, Kenny.
--

Eat Pure Pain

We always hear about athletes pushing their bodies to the brink during intense workouts.

Most fans can talk about how they benched 350 pounds or ran a 4.3 40 yard dash in high school (actually they benched 295 pounds...once and only ran a 4.3 because it was a 30 yard dash), but the only thing they lift now are beer bottles and the only thing involving the numbers 4 and 3 is the 43 inch waist size of their pants.

But here's a way to push yourself to the limits if you're a couch potato fan today. It doesn't involve gorging yourself on pounds of food or imbibing a bottle of tequila. No, this involves a relatively small amount of food.

And an intense amount of pain.

Ladies and gents, I give you the Bhut Jolokia chili pepper. Also known as the Ghost Chili. Also known as death with a stem.

Think you're tough? Did you eat those Habenero soaked chicken wings in under eight minutes? Good. Now it's time to move on. The Bhut Jolokia is more than ten times hotter than a Habenero pepper.

Jalapenos are for wussies. You can eat those at midnight after waking from a dead sleep. Don't bother with them any more. Take a swing at the big boy.

It's the hottest chili in the world. You talk a big game, now back it up. Take on the champ.

Of course, you may end up like this guy:




Let the spirit of competition consume you! And beware the burning ring of fire.

Ye Ole PantsCast May 10

Drugs, Rape, a possible seismic shift in college football and JaMarcus is summed up in song.

Click Here to Listen. Do it for the children in Nashville.

Who Would You Rather Have?

Whew! There are so many things going on in the world of sporting activities, that I'm going to have to prioritize here and just post as often as I can.

Let's start with the first story:

If you haven't read the Sports Illustrated article about Ben Roethlisberger, you're in for a treat. The article sends Ben from just a player with idiot tendencies to a full blown pile of garbage. Face it, the guy is a jerk and the Steelers are well within their rights to consider getting rid of him.

But who would they bring in to replace Big Ben? Roethlisberger is a failed human, but he's a good football player and his ability to shake off tacklers and make plays when none are there is the only reason why the Steelers score points. A smallish quarterback who goes down in the arms of blitzing defenders won't get it done.

So who can replace Big Ben? Well, how about Gentle Ben?

It's the same first name and both Ben's are over-sized for the quarterback position. Let's look at the comparison of two Ben's that might helm the quarterback position for the Steelers:

Big Ben: 6'5" 240 lbs.

Pros:
-Two time Super Bowl Champion.
-Ability to scramble and make plays when things break down on the offensive line.
-Ability to drink heavily and remain in playing shape.
-Hard to bring down on blitzes.
-Hard to bring down by the law.
-Spectacular player at Uno card game.

Cons:
-Reckless in his personal life.
-Has asked Steelers to let him play without a helmet.
-Tendency to nearly die when riding his motorcycle.
-Certifiable moron.
-Scrambling tendency opens him up to fumbling the ball.
-Gives half-hearted apologies
-Generally viewed as an arrogant, inconsiderate, bad human being who has somehow worn out his welcome in Pittsburgh despite winning two Super Bowls.
-Tendency to rape.
-Dresses like a douchebag.
-Is a douchebag.

Gentle Ben 6'11" 432 lbs

Pros:
-Better person than Roethlisberger.
-Good with kids.
-Weighs more than most football players and will be difficult to bring down.
-Will accept payment in honey.
-Not likely to be accused of sexual assault.
-Doesn't ride motorcycles outside of a circus.
-Often wrestles for charity.
-Very good at gin rummy.

Cons:
-Not technically a person
-Difficult to find a uniform that fits him.
-Claws tend to puncture football.
-Difficult to understand cadence.
-Often raids team refrigerator.
-Has pulled a "Najeh Davenport" and pooped in a laundry hamper before
-Would rather play football in Chicago
-Will miss two games each year to salmon hunt in Alaska
-Probably isn't alive since the average black bear's life span is around 30 years and Gentle Ben aired in the late 60's

So there you go, a comparison of two possible quarterback situations in Pittsburgh. Big Ben will most likely retain his job, but only due to the fact that Gentle Ben is currently not alive.

Roethlisberger will hopefully attempt to rehabilitate his image, but the stain he's left on the carefully built Rooney family image is substantial and I wouldn't be surprised if fans would like to see him replaced by another species.

PantsCast May 4

A bomb nearly shakes Jason's ventilation shaft, Dirty Harry jogging in Texas, NBA and NHL playoff talk, and more about the walking disaster known as JaMarcus.

It's time, baby. It is time.