Boom! Went The Broadcaster

Frank Caliendo is the saddest man in America today.

The crown jewel of his impressions, John Madden, has just left the building. Sure, Caliendo can spend the next year or two doing bits about Madden's retirement activities between telestrators, buses, and food, but slowly the act will tire.

And what about the football fan? Will football ever be the same without the crazy man talking in unintelligible bits? No other broadcaster leaves an impression. They're all just the generic, etiolated pairing of a play-by-play guy with a former player. Joe Buck and Troy Aikman are solid, but not fun. Tony Siragusa has the jolly size of Madden, but he has the broadcasting skills of a gimp and is generally a large waste of pants.

Sure Madden got on your nerves sometimes with his ramblings, but he gave voice to the fat guys on the line, showed us how cool it could be to travel by bus, and showed us what you can do with a digital pen during boring games. He was a quote machine and may have taken the game seriously, but never himself.

John Madden is to football what Yogi Berra is to baseball.

We don't even need to get into the Madden video games which have been played by possibly every football fan in America. I'm pretty sure my 80 year old grandfather knew what Madden games were.

Madden's greatness stemmed from a love of the game and a love for the personalities in the game. Even when he was the Raiders coach back in the 60's and 70's (when it was fun to be a Raiders fan) he let his players act however they wanted as long as they prepared for the games. There were a few incidents, but no one shot himself in the leg or got arrested eight times on multiple drug charges. (I know that could be because players back then didn't make the crazy money they do now...mo money, mo problems, but the fact is they didn't.)

If a player wanted to ride a horse out to the practice field, drink margaritas in the locker room, or hang naked by a ceiling fan, it was fine with Madden as long as everyone showed up on time and practiced hard. His players constantly say how they appreciated the freedom and wanted to win for Madden.

That love of personalities obviously translated to the broadcast booth. Madden would regale us with his love of Brett Favre or Hines Ward and he helped turn Dallas Cowboys generic fullback Darryl Jonston into an NFL sensation who heard his "Mooooooose!" calls in every stadium. In a sport where most coaches squash any individuality by players, Madden found a way to bring the personalities to our living rooms.

I wonder if that's why Madden retired...Brett Favre is gone.

Here are just a few of the classic Madden quotes over the years:

"The road to easy street goes through the sewer.”

“When you get hit like that it’s like having a bumble-bee stuck in your helmet, you just can’t get rid of it!”

“The goal of football is to score more points than your opponent.”

"Hey, the offensive linemen are the biggest guys on the field, they're bigger than everybody else, and that's what makes them the biggest guys on the field."

“Wasn’t “Vixen” the name of one of Santa’s reindeer?”

“Whenever you talk about a Mike Shananhan offense, you always talk about his offense.”

“That wasn’t a boom Al, that was more like a WACK!”

"If you see a defense team with dirt and mud on their backs they've had a bad day."

“Here’s a guy who when he runs, he moves faster.”

“From the waist down, Earl Campbell has the biggest legs I have ever seen on a running back.”

"They'll score if they can just get into the endzone."

“Yes, turns out yellow and red make green, I found this out when I spilled yellow mustard on my red tie and it turned lime green not orange.”

He was fat, crazy, loud, and occaisionally senile, but John Madden brought his love of everything football to us. He will be missed. He won't be replaced.

Tomorrow Is Only A Day Away...Plus A Few Months

Happy Tax Day! I didn't realize this was such a holiday until food chains started giving away deals. Maybe it's an outre maneuver by NASA to take our minds away from the fact that the space program screwed over Stephen Colbert. DAMN YOU NASA!!!!!! At least they will name a space treadmill after him.

In other parts of the world, in particular the American sports part, the entity known as the NFL schedule has been released to the rabid fans. The NFL has already done the homework and has given us what they think are the ten must see games of next season. Naturally, the Colts versus the Patriots is once again the biggest game of the season. Pats and Colts fans need to savor this because to be the premier match-up for an entire decade happens....well it happens when your team drafts a Hall of Fame QB.

Some things I've seen on the schedule:

The Super Bowl champs played what was considered the toughest NFL schedule last year. This year the Steelers start off with salty couple of weeks against the Titans and Bears. Then the Steelers get to avoid too many more defense grudge matches. Over the next ten games, they play the Benglas twice, the Broncos, the Chiefs, the Raiders, the Lions, and the Browns. Looks like Ben Toothlesberger is safe.

That other team in the Super Bowl? They get three national television games! That's right, the Cardinals will be seen by the nation three different times! And all it took was a Super Bowl appearance!

Of course, while the Cardinals have three national appearances, the Cowboys, a team that didn't even make the playoffs last year and ended the season with a hide-tanning loss to the Eagles, get six national games. I guess some things never change.

Don't get too upset with the Cowboys television love fest. They have an NFL schedule with eight games against the NFC East grinder plus games against the Panthers, at Denver, the Falcons, the Packers, the Chargers, and Saints.

The inner-conference match-ups have:

NFC East playing the AFC West---Al Davis and Jerry Jones on the same field. Can the new Cowboys stadium hold the two egos or will the place explode in one giant fireball of Thanksgiving glory?

NFC South playing the AFC East---Will Saints fans feel better about their city when they visit Buffalo? Will Vegas have a line in the Patriots/Saints match-up where fans can bet whether they think Fred Taylor or Reggie Bush will get injured first?

NFC West playing the AFC South---Peyton versus Warner should be fun. Pretty sure no one in the NFC West has seen a D like Tennessee has. Mike Singletary vs. Jack Del Rio....who will make a bigger spectacle?

NFC North playing the AFC North---some tough D's and one pretty big QB addition. But is Sage Rosenfels ready to play the Steelers and Ravens? Oh, and Jay Cutler is there too.

The one glaring weakness in the schedule? There are no Bears vs. Broncos. The NFL needs the Bears visiting the Broncos to take advantage of the off-season saga. Oh well.

The toughest NFL schedules?
1.Miami (opponents .594 winning %)
2.Carolina (.592)
3. New England (.590)

The easiest schedules?
32. Bears (.414)
31. Vikings (.420)
30. Packers (.428)

I'm guessing the NFC North having Detroit twice plus Cincy and Cleveland on their schedules helps make them easy.

Miami may have the toughest schedule according to last season's records. But remember, two years ago the Dolphins were the NFL's worst team and then made the playoffs last year. So schedule strength really doesn't mean a thing.

Unless it's the Lions. They still suck.

Damn You Technology!

One of the downfalls of doing a blog is the pickle you get yourself into if your internet goes out. Mine has been out all day long and you, my faithful blog readers have suffered. Though probably not much.

But never fear, the NFL schedule has been released and I am quite busy printing it out. We will have much discussion when I return to the 21st century.

Until then, you stay classy Planet SportsPants.

A Generation of Philly Phans Mourn

If you grew up as a sports fan, you probably have a certain voice etched into your head. It was the the susurrus that you went to sleep listening to or the sound you equate with running around in the front yard and throwing the ball.

Everyone knows the famous voices like Harry Carey, Myron Cope, and Jack Buck. But that's only the tip of the iceberg. You don't know how popular a sports announcer is until you actually live in city he talks to.

For an entire generation of Phillies supporters, today marked the end of an era with the death of long time announcer Harry Kalas (he's been broadcasting Philly baseball since 1971.) I don't like Philadelphia, or the fans, or the sports teams that play there, but I understand the loss of a legendary voice.

And Kalas was definitely legendary. He belongs in the same class with the Careys and Copes of the world.

I didn't think I knew him since I don't like Philadelphia teams or fans. But I know I've seen NFL Films. If you ever watched Inside the NFL on HBO, then you've heard Kalas. He's the voice on all of the game replays.

Hell, my girlfriend is taking his death has hard as I am because Kalas is even the voice of the Puppy Bowls that are played every Super Bowl Sunday.

So today give that obnoxious Philadelphian in your office a break today. They just lost the only voice the Phillies have had since Nixon was sitting in the White House being paranoid. And all sports fans lost a man who they may not recognize in person, but whose voice ushers in a warm feeling from the past.

What Is This Thing You Call Emotion?

In the aftermath of the tragic Nick Adenhart death, the Angels held a press conference to try and move on. During the press conference, super agent Scott Boras spoke about his client and then did something that confused me: he broke down and cried.

It makes perfect sense for a man to cry after the senseless death of a 22 year old with so much promise, but I've just never seen Boras as human before. Maybe this tragedy portends a newer, softer, more caring Boras! Okay, I won't get ahead of myself.

I'm sure Boras cried naturally and was honestly broken up about the accident, but you'll forgive me if I'm a bit out of sorts with his display of compassion. This is an agent who has been described as the baseball anti-christ (Happy Easter!)

His hard-nosed negotiations have destroyed baseball teams and spawned countless jokes about his ruthlessness. It's even to the point where certain teams will not draft talented players due to the fact they are a Boras client.

The most infamous deal out of many is when Boras got Rangers owner Tom Hicks to bid against himself to sign A-Rod to the most ridiculous deal (over $250 million) ever heard of in baseball. For years, the Rangers refused to have anything to do with a Boras client.

Boras isn't any more evil than the baseball owners. Players love his ability to get them money, but he has proven that money is valued above all else which doesn't sit well with fans like me. There's just something unsettling about taking Johnnny Damon from the Red Sox and signing him to the Yankees. I think Boras has devolved Mark Teixeira's reputation to that of a simple mercienary after moving him from Texas to the Braves and Angels before finally signing yet another huge deal with the Yankees.

Fans like me want baseball to be a bit more than roving pen of free-agents who will all inevitably sign with the Yankees. The financial set up makes this dream seem impossible and Boras just reminds me of the failed state every time he rips a player from a team and sends him to a big market for the money.

Yet I just saw that Boras is human and I'm flummoxed. But happy. Maybe things will change one day.

Finally, We Treat Rich Kids Favorably!

Remember that little moment of frisson when you got your acceptance letter from the college you wanted to attend? (Try to forget about the crushing defeated feeling you got when the college you really wanted to go to turned you down.) It was a nice little moment of accomplishment when you could proudly look at yourself in the mirror and know that a school executive decided you were worthy of drinking yourself silly in the name of education.

Well fewer kids are getting that feeling these days. Unless, of course, their parents are rich. An article in the New York Times explains how colleges are trying to accept more kids that will pay full tuition during these hard economic times. To do so, these institutions of higher education are looking at things like a home zip code and parent's background before a decision is made on who to accept into the school.

Well I say it's about time. For too long rich kids have had to make it through life with more than the rest of us. You think it's easy to own a brand new sports car when you turn 16? Most of us don't even have to fathom what it's like to stay in a beach villa in Mexico with your own chef. I shudder to think about it.

Now the tables have turned. Rich kids finally get smiled upon in life. They should have a big advantage too: the average cost of a public university is over $6500 per year now (or even more if you live in Arizona where the brilliant state officials have decided to battle a huge state deficit by taking piles of money away from the state universities even though Arizona is already ranked 49th in the U.S. in education spending. But hey, we've still got enough money to add in a bunch of new traffic cameras!)

The average cost of a private university is over $25,000 ensuring that your parents should make six figures if you want to go there. And that's who colleges are now actively looking for no matter what part of the world they live in. Steven Syverson, dean of admissions at Lawrence University in Wisconsin summed it up best about rich kids when he said "We’re only human, they shine a little brighter.”

Thank God. I was hoping I'd live to see the day when poor kids don't get a free pass in American life anymore.

Look, I know colleges need money just like any other business, but this is ridiculous. Education is about scholastic merit, not bottom line profit (or at least that what it's supposed to be.) I'm sure that's a naive way of looking at things, but I know from my experience that many times a student who knows how much college costs works that much harder than the rich kid whose parents are footing the entire bill without blinking.

Colleges can get their full tuition and be happy with the profitable bottom line, but eventually their alumni is going to change into snotty little rich kids who feel entitled to a college degree and don't really understand the opportunity they were just given.

But that's okay not rich kids. You can always go on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire."

Whoa

Is this the curse of Gary Matthews Jr. rearing it's ugly head?

Did someone in the Angels organization desecrate a ancient Indian burial ground this off-season?

Is this God's way of saying don't run red lights?

Does Anaheim just suck that much?

What ever the reason, this has been one hell of a week for the Anaheim....sorry, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

You know it's a bad week for a team when those sports writers and broadcasters who make their living impugning and creating controversy tread lightly. What else can you do?

The Angels already had an unfortunate episode this week when a fan was killed during a fight in the stands. That news may not be enough to stun you, but it's always an unfortunate episode when there is a tragedy at a sporting event.

Now we find out that Angels rookie pitcher, Nick Adenhart and two other people were killed in a car accident after someone ran a red light and plowed into his car. Adenhart was only 22 years old and had just pitched a solid game for the Angels just hours before he was killed.

And to add more unfortunate news to the situation, the other driver tried to drive away after the accident. They were picked up a mile or so away from the accident. You don't run away from an accident unless you're drunk or have something to hide from the cops. No doubt that will come out as the investigation continues.

I don't mean to put Adenhart's life above the other people killed this week, he's just the one most people know.

The only reason he was up in the majors is because both Angels ace pitchers are on the DL. So the Angles brought Adenhart up to fill in and he proved that he would indeed be in the big leagues one day.

Now he's gone and both starting pitchers are still injured, the team is already dealing with the fan's death, and the team is already wearing black patches on the uniform to honor long time coach and scout, Preston Gomez who died this winter.

At this point, maybe the Angels should just wear black uniforms. And there are still 160 games to go.