What Up With February?

Apparently February marks the point when sports news reaches ludicrous speed. I know it's a slow month, but that doesn't mean IQ's should just be dropping left and right.

Let's just review the top sports stories of the past few days:

A-Rod: We all know A-Rod had some illegal substances coursing through his Madonna loving body in the early part of this decade. He apologized...sort of....and now we can wait until spring training to hear every Yankee refer to the media as "you people" and explain how all of the steroids coverage is a secret ploy to tear the team apart.

And I was okay with that.

But noooooooo. Bud Selig had to step in and suddenly climb onto his 18.5 million dollar high horse to tell us exactly how wrong A-Rod was to do steroids. Selig said "while Alex deserves credit for publicly confronting the issue, there is no valid excuse for using such substances, and those who use them have shamed the game."

Thanks, Bud. I'm glad you managed to expurgate the story so that baseball doesn't look so bad. No need to mention the fact that the only reason A-Rod apologized is because his name was leaked and that the biggest reason for steroids being an issue in the sport is through an act of Congress. If you had simply cracked down on illegal substances about, oh, a decade ago, this wouldn't be such a black eye. But that would have taken away some of that cash inflow and forced you to confront the players union.

I think it's best if Bud plays the silent game from here on out until he's ready for action.

Phelps and his Greens: So Phelps gets caught hitting the bong on camera and is now losing his endorsements left and right. I already discussed this point on Sports Pants and figured that's the last I'd ever hear of it. Phelps rocks the ganja, loses lots of money, serves a suspension, and then goes on with his life.

Now word out of the Carolina that is South is that arrests are being made. Those evil kids that had their face in the bong are being taken off the street lest they destroy the moral fabric of our society. Funny thing is, the police seemed to only be interested in Phelps. According to the defense attorney for one of the arrested kids, "

After they arrested him, they didn't ask him, 'Where did you get the marijuana?' or 'Who sold it to you?' Almost all the questions they asked him were about Michael Phelps."

Apparently Sheriff Leon Lott who clearly sees some dollar signs or maybe some He-Man type power in his future, has decided Phelps is his golden goose. Once those pictures came out with Phelps, I bet Lott skipped down the street singing "I've got a golden ticket". Now he's using his moral stance to hunt down Phelps, who I'm sure is hiding in Argentina right now, and bring him to the mercy of the court. All for the good of America, damnit.

Spitting is preferred: Roberto Alomar...WTF? Did this guy watch Team America and took the "Everyone Has AIDS" song too seriously? He claims that the woman accusing him of having unprotected sex with her while knowing he had full blown AIDS is a crazy liar. I really hope she is because if he actually did that....WTF!!!??? He will have gone from a surly baseball player to a full blown psychopath with full blown AIDS. That is no way to go through life, son.

February is slow in sports, but these stories aren't due to a bored press. They're due to asshats. Can't these guys just enjoy counting their money during this recession? Sheesh.

A Tale of Two Bongs

By now, you have no doubt run across no fewer than 17 news stories involving the fall-out of the Michael Phelps pot smoking scandal.

Regardless of where you fall on the subject, you can't get away from the differences between the way Phelps has been treated and the way Super Bowl 43 MVP Santonio Holmes was treated after he got caught smoking pot WHILE DRIVING.

Phelps has been thrown on the BBQ so much after being photographed hitting the bong, that all sorts of normally indifferent people have become staunch Phelps supporters. I'm still waiting for the inevitable "Leave Michael Aloooooone" internet video mocking the Britney Spears fan.

I'm sure people expected Phelps to lose a few erstwhile endorsements from his weed endeavor. I know I wasn't surprised when Kellogg's dropped Phelps from the Corn Flakes ads, though I think Kellogg's might want to research who buys its products before it causes a pot boycott as Post and General Mills stock goes up through the roof.

Subway is possibly going to jump ship too. Again, why the hell would a food company bail due to pot smoking allegations? Is it not aware of the natural side-effects of pot?

Now a sheriff in South Carolina named Leon Lott---not to be confused with Leon Lett, the former Dallas Cowboys defensive lineman. Leon LETT, incidentally, was busted twice for drug use during his NFL career. Wow, the plot indeed thickens! But back to Leon the sheriff---Lott says now that he will file criminal charges against Phelps if he can determine that the swimmer was smoking pot in his county.

So to sum up, Phelps is losing multiple endorsements which all have to do with food and now some crazy sheriff is contemplating filing criminal charges him which I'm sure has nothing to do with the sheriff trying to selfishly advance his career.

All of this for admitting wrong doing and directly dealing with the issue instead of denying or skirting the issue...the exact thing people say they want celebrities to do when they are caught doing a no no. Huh.

Meanwhile your Super Bowl 43 most valuable pot-head was caught earlier this season with a smoking joint in his car. He gets suspended for one game by his team and that's the end of it. Now he's a Super Bowl hero, gets to be the center of a parade in Pittsburgh, gets a new car (MVP award, because professional athletes need new cars more than the rest of us), and gets to be the spokesperson for Disney despite the pot charge and the photo of him showing off his huge dong in the shower.

DISNEY! YOU'RE TELLING ME FOOD COMPANIES CAN'T BE ASSOCIATED WITH A POT SMOKER, BUT THE BIGGEST FASCIST FAMILY VALUES COMPANY IN AMERICA CAN?! HAVE YOU BEEN TO TIMES SQUARE OVER THE PAST DECADE? THAT COMPANY IS OKAY WITH POT, BUT FOOD COMPANIES AREN'T?

Well, I think it's clear what needs to happen: Holmes needs to give away his new car complete with freshly smoked pot blunts and then needs to go do porn since apparently he can't get busted for much. Meanwhile, pot smokers should find the motivation to unite to make Kellogg's and Subway suffer for being so short-sighted. And the sheriff Leon Lott needs to be placed in a Goofy suit and locked in a room with Leon Lett after a PCP and Angel Dust bender.

Those are just my thoughts.