Fantasy Football PantsCast November 9

Week 9 awards, week 10 preview, a team out there which couldn't get a bag of baseballs for their once highly ranked fantasy stars, and a three year pregnancy in this week's "What's Wrong With Humans."

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Fantasy Football PantsCast October 19

Week 6 awards, what to do with your players who just aren't performing up to par, Week 7 preview, and an entrepreneur who made his sales until he got arrested on What's Wrong With Humans.

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Fantasy Football PantsCast October 12

The season quarterly report. What the hell is going on? Week 5 awards, Week 6 previews. At least we'll attempt to preview. Nothing makes sense anymore. And watch your dish detergent in this week's segment of What's Wrong With Humans.

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Fantasy Football PantsCast Sept 28

Week 3 awards and we look ahead to week 4 where no one knows what's going on. Plus, a voyeur doing his thing in the wrong place on What's Wrong With Humans.

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Fantasy Football PantsCast Sept 22

Week 2 awards, Week 3 preview and some doozy games that went down with the wire. The insanity of certain NFL coaches and I coin a new word. Just like Shakespeare does.

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Fantasy Football PantsCast Sept 14

Week 1 awards and a look ahead to who will be naughty and who will be nice on your team. Plus, Sears needs a new marketing department on What's Wrong With Humans.

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August 31- NFL Season Preview

We preview the NFL season and give our picks for playoff teams and Super Bowl contenders. Plus, a Hawaiian guy falls victim to the evil video game industry on What's Wrong With Humans.

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Fantasy Football 2010 Preview--QB

It's my birthday and yet here I am helping you prepare for your fantasy league. You're welcome. And yes, I know I'm pretty pathetic. Just shut up and read:

Like the other positions, I've already discussed quarterbacks on the PantsCast which you can download as an MP3 if you'd like some entertainment. We do have ourselves some fun on there.

If you're so terribly busy that you can't or you're just too lazy to be bothered, here are some thoughts on the QB's.

Quarterbacks are the position that can most change depending on your league settings. If you're a touchdown-heavy league (50 yds passing = one point and TD's = six), then you really want a quarterback like Matt Schaub: a guy in a good offense that can't run the ball in short yardage situatuions. In this kind of league you drop down guys like Tony Romo and Matt Ryan because both play for teams that like to hammer the ball in the running game which means a greater chance for a rushing touchdown.

If you're in a standard league (25 yards passing = 1 point, TD's are six points) then here's what to look for:

Top Dog: Aaron Rodgers
Rodgers led all quarterbacks in scoring last year and that was with two dead offensive tackles. There were no deep threats on Green Bay last year because Rodgers would be buried in the dirt before he could throw the ball. Yet he led fantasy QB's in scoring. Now his linemen are healthy. Do the math.

Grenade: Kevin Kolb
Kolb is only the tenth quarterback taken this year because no one knows what to expect from the first year starter. If you find yourself late in the draft with no quarterback, get him. He's been studying for three years under Donovan McNabb and now he will quarterback a passing offense that has DeSean Jackson and Jeremy Maclin. The last quarterback to tutor under a passing legend for a few years before he started was Aaron Rodgers. See above.


Torpedo: Phillp Rivers
I don't think you should worry if you get Rivers. He'll be solid. The problem is he's being drafted with the top QB's. He's missing his best receiver for at least three games and it's possible Rivers won't get him back again. Plus, stud offensive lineman Marcus McNeil is holding out. Even if he makes it back before the season, he'll be behind schedule. What makes Rivers the biggest torpedo candidate, however, is the drafting of running back Ryan Matthews. Last year the Chargers couldn't really pound the ball, so Rivers took to getting the ball to his running backs via the pass. This year, count on the rookie running back to get the ball early and often. Good for the Chargers offense, bad for Rivers' numbers.

Desperation Pick: Joe Flacco
Aw crap! You trade to make it one more round before you picked a quarterback and now four teams just made a QB run that left you in the dust! Not to worry, just draft Joe Flacco. He's ready to bust out and he has Anquan Boldin now. Plus, he's being drafted as the 13th quarterback in most leagues. Get him and pick another quarterback whose schedule meshes well with his (hint: Donovan McNabb should still be around). Then you can play mix and match with your mest match-up every week. My only concern with Flacco is the run first attitude of the Ravens.

Rankings:
Aaron Rodgers
Drew Brees
Peyton Manning
Tony Romo
Matt Schaub
Tom Brady
Philip Rivers
Kevin Kolb
Brett Favre (just tell us you're coming back you jackass).
Jay Cutler
Joe Flacco
Matt Ryan
Eli Manning
Donovan McNabb
Carson Palmer
Matt Satfford
Ben Toothlesburger

Fantasy Football 2010 Preview--TE

We've already previewed the TE position on the PantsCast a few weeks back, but for those of you who still haven't tasted the delicious fruit of our podcasts, I'll lay it out for you here.

These tight end rankings are based on basic league settings (non-ppr) with 6 points for a touch down, one pt. per 10 yards rushed or received, and 1 pt. per 25 yards passed.

Top Dog: Antonio Gates
Lots of experts picked Dallas Clark as number one and he's a consistent top performer, but Gates has been as well and the Chargers are missing Vincent Jackson for at least three games. That means even more targets for Gates since he has the best connection with QB Philip Rivers of the guys that are actually playing. If ole Vincent misses more time or is traded, Gates could become the number one target for Rivers which means a huge season.

Grenade: Zach Miller
Jermichael Finley will have a monster season in Green Bay, but he's on everyone's darkhorse list, so I don't consider him a guy that could come out of nowhere and blow the league up (criteria for a grenade). If you want Finley, you're probably going to need to grab him right after the top guys go.

However, Miller is still lasting late in drafts. He was already a favorite in the passing game last year and now the Raiders have quarterback Jason Campbell who can actually get him the ball. Campbell made Chris Cooley a star in Washington and now he has outside receivers who can't catch and an offensive line that can't pass block for more than a nanosecond. The result will be many dumpoffs to Miller.

Torpedo: Owen Daniels
Beware the major knee surgery victim who claims he's ready to go the next season. Daniels is currently being drafted as the eighth tight end based on his production last year before the injury. I don't buy it. Any position that involves speed and quickness (receivers and backs) is not one you trust to a guy still working his way back into full shape. It's always the season after the return from surgery that usually works well for a player. So draft Daniels wherever you please next year, just no this one.

Desperation Pick: Chris Cooley
If you suddenly find that dreaded tight end run happens and leaves you as the only guy in your league without a tight end, you're probably going to have to throw a dart and hope it hits a decent guy. Cooley has been a reliable tight end for years, but a season ending injury ruined him last year. Now people are worried about backup Fred Davis stealing the catches, but Cooley has a big contract and he's not going to be shut out of the offense. New QB Donovan McNabb will throw to the tight end and Cooley should grab his share.

Rankings:

Antonio Gates
Dallas Clark
Vernon Davis
Jermichael Finley
Jason Witten
Brent Celek
Tony Gonzalez
Kellen Winslow
Zach Miller
Visanthe Shiancoe (Depending on Favre)
Chris Cooley
John Carlson
Owen Daniels
Dustin Keller
Heath Miller
Jermaine Gresham

PantsCast August 10-- Fantasy Football Preview Wide Receivers

Anger at a jowly Hall of Fame blow hard, the big fantasy football wide receiver preview, and a salute to this week's What's Wrong With Humans winner.

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PantsCast August 2-- Fantasy Football Preview D and K

Baseball trade deadline talk and we preview defense and kickers. Plus a drunk dialing problem on What's Wrong With Humans

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PantsCast July 28- Fantasy Football Preview TE

Death of the Assassin, Dallas drama in training camp, and the preview of fantasy tight ends. Plus I girl who doesn't understand the sense of smell in What's Wrong With Humans.

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PantsCast July 19

It's fantasy football preview time! Today we tackle the quarterback position. Who are some good signal callers who aren't named Drew Brees or Peyton Manning? (Don't worry, we aren't going to say Tom Brady). What do you do if you miss out on one of the top QB's? Draft grenades and draft torpedoes.

Plus, we sort of preview the second half of the baseball season and everyone's favorite segment: What's Wrong With Humans.

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SportsPants Sort Of Fantasy Football Preview- Wide Receivers

Wide receivers are a bigger crap shoot more than any other position in fantasy football. There is no bigger group of knuckleheads and inconsistent performers. One week Santana Moss gets you 190 yards and three touchdowns while sitting on your bench. You start him the next week and he gets one catch for five yards leaving you with a rictus of shattered dreams as you chew on your couch pillow. Screw you Santana Moss. Not that I'm bitter...

Fantasy Football is all about luck, luck with weather, luck with injuries, luck with the playoffs. So you might as well have some fun.

The following is a list of a few receivers who might be fun to follow this year no matter where they are ranked on your pre-season fantasy list:

1. Calvin Johnson- His nickname is Megatron. He's the 34th wide receiver drafted by the Detroit Lions this decade and yet has managed to make fans into believers. He was the best player on an 0-16 joke last year and while the Lions might be better, they will definitely be behind a lot this year, so he'll see a lot of balls. Did I mention he has one of the coolest nicknames in the league?

2. Steve Smith- He was suspended for three games last year because he punched out a teammate. He epitomizes the Napoleon complex, but still manages to snatch the ball away from defenders who are bigger than him. If he gets the ball in the open field, it's like watching a jack-rabbit run through a herd of elephants. He's fun, plus you never know when he might go all Sugar Ray Leonard on someone again.

3. Anquan Boldin- I call him ornery Anquan because he just looks pissed off all of the time. Boldin can be summed up with one play: he runs deep and the quarterback overthrows him by a mile. The defensive player is running right with him and as the ball goes out of play, Boldin slams into the defender, sending him tumbling across the ground. Why? Because Anquan was pissed that the defender was running with him, so he belted him. He's fun.

4. Terrell Owens- Owens drives away most owners because he's just a ego-maniacal jerk who as attempted to destroy three teams already. Yet he's fun to watch and you can make your own side bets as to when Owens will go after Bills quarterback Trent Edwards. Will he make it through the season, or will Owens blow his top in late October when Edwards misses him with a potential game-winning touchdown pass? It's the train wreck theory in action.

5. Braylon Edwards- Don't draft him if you're serious about winning your league. But if you just want to have some fun while watching football, you can create a drinking game based on how many footballs Edwards drops. You'll be drunk by halftime.

6. Deseaon Jackson- He's talented, yet stupid. Last year he dropped the football before he actually scored igniting a firestorm about how to properly play the game without being a showboat. He's good for another crazy play this year.

7. T.J. Houshmandzadeh- Former Bengal now plays in Seattle and he already stated during a live interview that he wanted to start a fight with a defender during a pre-season game. That's the kind of stuff that will make it's way around the NFL and be the basis for a future brawl.

8. Chad Ochocinco- Stuffy play by play men will have to call him by Ochocinco this year because he legally changed his name. That's wonderful.

These are just some of the receivers you could take in your fantasy draft, but they could all be great one week and then leave you to die the next, so try to grab a few who you can enjoy watching fail.

SportsPants Sort Of Fantasy Football Preview- Running Backs

Yes, I admit it. I'm a fantasy football dork. I check out the lists and try to pick the team that will greatest chance of winning me an imaginary trophy.

Then there are others like my girlfriend who's sole goal in a fantasy draft is to get her favorite kicker and to get someone she finds cute/funny/fat. She refuses to draft Baltimore Ravens because they are thugs and she would pass on Randy Moss even if he was guaranteed to get 27 touchdowns next season.

I'm beginning to think she's got the better way because fantasy football is often about luck. Luck with injuries, luck with weather, luck with not losing in the playoffs. So you might as well draft a team you're interested in following throughout the season. After all, what fun is fantasy football if you don't like to watch the players you drafted?

Here's a list of running backs who might be interesting to watch this season:

1. Adrian Peterson- He's the top pick of most drafts, so your chances of getting him are nil, but just check this video out:



That's a freakin marble statue running at you. The mere sight of Peterson makes defensive players truckle and go hide under a bench somewhere. I don't care if it sounds gay, that man is a beast. Too bad he went to Oklahoma in college which requires me to hate him.

2. Maurice Jones-Drew- There is so very little not to like about MJD. He has three names, he's only 5'6" and just over 200 pounds, yet he levels blitzing linebackers that are twice his size. He wears number 32 because he wasn't drafted in the first round, so he wants to remind himself that every one of the 32 NFL teams passed him over at least once. His nickname is Pocket Hercules.

If that isn't enough, here's a story for you: one time while he was playing a game at UCLA, Maurice's grandfather had a heart attack while watching the game. MJD's coach broke the news to him on the sideline during the game and Jones Drew ran right back to the locker room and went to the hospital. I don't know about you, but I get images of Forrest Gump running straight out of an exit in full uniform when he finds out his mama is sick. You really should draft Jones Drew if you can.

3. LaDanian Tomlinson- He was the NFL MVP two years ago when he set an NFL record for touchdowns scored. Then he had an injury-filled season last year (which was still a good year by most standards, just not his). Now fantasy people treat him like a lepor because he's 30 years old and running back lose their mojo quickly. He swears last year was a fluke and he's put to prove people wrong. Will he? You can find out through the season.

If that's not good enough, how about his giving spirit: every time he has a home game, Tomlinson donates tickets so that 21 under-privledged kids can attend the game (his jersey number is 21). That's not all though, after the game, Tomlinson take them out for dinner and a night on the town and at the end of the night, each kid gets a goody bag full of school supplies for the year. Still not convinced? How about the fact that he and his wife get up every Thanksgiving to hand out food to the poor? He's a decent human, grab him.

4. Marion Barber III- Marion the Barbarian or MB3 is the NFL man of mystery. He's on the high-profile Dallas Cowboys, yet he respectfully declines all interviews. When he is interviewed, he answers with a simple "yes sir" or "no sir". To calm down, he quietly plays the piano. Well. Yet behind closed doors, he's one of the biggest practical jokers on the team (according to sources on the inside.) He's known to sneak behind the microphone in the equipment room and make outlandish announcements or make any assortment of sarcastic comments during film sessions. You'll never hear about it from him though because unlike every other player on the Cowboys, Barber isn't constantly looking for a television camera.

5. Darren McFadden- No wonderous story surrounding this guy, but he's super talented and he's on the Raiders which means there is always a potential for him to punch a teammate or coach. Or maybe he'll be punched by the coach. Either way, it should interesting to follow him because at least once you'll read news about the Raiders that makes your jaw drop.

6. Lendale White- Fatty Mcbutterpants lost tons of weight this off-season simply by giving up his tequila habit. We'll see if lasts the season away from the sauce.

So there are some running backs you might be interested in taking this year. May you grab players that you at least enjoy because you're team is just an injury or two away from sucking.

SportsPants Sort Of Fantasy Football Preview-Quarterbacks

Are you a deadly serious fantasy football player who lives and breathes fantasy every second you have a life force? Then this preview isn't for you because I flout you and your obsession with mathematical theories in an attempt figure out which player will score more touchdowns. It's often about luck: luck with injuries, luck with weather, luck with not losing in the playoffs.

So I give you the SportsPants preview: a way to at least draft players in interesting situations that you can enjoy as you follow them this year. These are players who you can watch this season for other reasons than just being good.

Quarterbacks:

1. Drew Brees- He's the top ranked signal caller, but that's not the reason he's on my list. See, Brees just lost his mom recently. Not only that, she was five alarm crazy mom. No doubt that questions about this relationship will pop up from time to time and if Brees has a bad game, he very well could punch the person asking them. He will also throw for six trillion yards, so he's a good pick.

2. Kurt Warner- You know his story. He was a stockboy in Iowa and then he was suddenly the NFL MVP. Then he sucked. Then he was good. He's an NFL star who married a divorced mother with kids who was so poor, she was on food stamps (I hear JaMarcus Russell was trying to steal those food stamps because he was hungry.) He's 150 years old and playing as well as any quarterback in the league, plus he's actually a decent human being. His arm might fall off at some point, but then Matt Leinart replaces him and he's another fun story.

3. Aaron Rodgers- The man who replaced Flip Flop Favre had a great season last year and also managed to grow a great porno mustache. Now Flip Flop has signed with division rival Minnesota so Rodgers will be constantly compared to grandpa Favre. Hmmm.

4. Donovan McNabb- You know my feelings on the trials of McNabb. He's been under constant scruitiny since he arrived in Philly and now the great dog killer is backing him up. Hilarity ensues.

5. Carson Palmer- Will he be killed behind that ridiculous Bengals offensive line? On second thought, maybe you shouldn't draft him.

6. Jay Cutler, Kyle Orton, Matt Cassel- New quarterbacks are always fun to watch because they are trying to figure out new teammates throughout the season. Also, Kyle Orton sucks. But he has a good offense around him. So does that make him good or does he make the Broncos bad?

Your fantasy football season is only an injury or two away from being a total bust, so sit back and enjoy your players.

Braylon Edwards Might Be A Wax Figurine

I have a new fantasy sports tradition for people.

Conan O'Brien recently shot some Ringling Brothers acrobats out of giant cannons on his talk show. It was sort of fun to watch, but not really because everyone knew what they were doing. I don't know about you, but I watch extreme-type sports for the accidents, not the professionalism.

I believe O'Brien knows this, which is why he decided to take the cannon trick one step further and shoot wax Fonzie and wax Tom Cruise out of those same cannons. Aside from the hebetude, the two wax figures are exactly like the real guys; in fact wax Tom Cruise is actually a little more tolerable than his real-life counterpart.

Just watch the episode and tell me this couldn't be a yearly activity for frustrated fantasy football/baseball fans who get let down by the failure of their high round draft pick or the inexplicable career game from an opponent's player during the fantasy playoffs. Take your frustration out on the player's wax counterpart. Next on my list: Joseph Addai.

A Brave New Fantasy World

Never before have I seen the fantasy football landscape change so much at a single position during the off-season.

Think back to last year's fantasy football draft, if you can do so without crying: the top 5 draft picks were L.T., A.P., okay enough with the initials....Tomlinson, Peterson, Steven Jackson, Brian Westbrook, and Joseph Addai. Other 1st round names include Brady, Lynch, and Owens (or T.O. to come back to the initials thing.)

I can only imagine Peterson and Westbrook being in the first round for sure next year. Tomlinson might be back, but not as the 1st pick. Brady gets an injury exception, but he won't be back unless he blows up in the pre-season. Lynch is running around brandishing guns while Owens may not even be back with the Cowboys.

And other off-season news adds further ink to next year's fantasy picture:

First of all, the Broncos fired the great fantasy Satan known as Mike Shanahan, though Broncos running back owners may also call him Keyser Soze. Without Shanahan and his interminable need to switch back and forth between runners like a manic depressive with ADD, there might be a chance in hell for the Broncos to actually stick with a back for more than three carries before running off to the local Denny's to find a replacement.

That news was shocking enough for fantasy players. Today we find out that another life-sucking situation as been removed from our fantasy lives. The great Jacksonville time-share has been sold as Fred Taylor will no longer be there to siphon away carries from Maurice Jones-Drew.

The move does two things: First, it moves Maurice Jones-Drew into the first round as a fantasy pick. Secondly, it will cut down on sales of Maalox and Rogaine as MJD owners stop getting ulcers and pulling out their hair as Fred Taylor runs up and down the field on any given Sunday.

It's a new fantasy world where rookie runners scoot past traditional studs on the draft board and teams are giving up their anti-fantasy ways. But don't worry, Bill Belichick is still around so you can listen to cryptic injury reports that make you shiver as you stare at the giant "questionable" tag in front of your running back.

Have peace my friends. Right up until the great fantasy Satan is hired again.