Not Good Vs. Evil, But Good Storyline Vs. Bad Storyline

I'm not a golf guy. I find it gut crushingly boring and I don't understand how people can sit there listening to an announcer whisper while a guy stares at a course for five minutes and then hits a ball. I mean, I thought baseball was slow.

But Tiger's return caught my attention. Not enough to actually watch golf, but I did follow the leader board to see if Tiger was back. He was for several days and then he faded.

Instead, Phil Mickelson won the Master's tournament and got to wear the hideous green jacket. And that's where the fun began.

If you haven't already heard, Mickelson's wife was diagnosed with breast cancer not too long ago. She's been suffering and has been too weak to attend any of Phil's recent golf matches. Mickelson has always been a family first guy, so the news hit many golf fans harder than if it were say...Tiger Woods.

So there it was on Sunday. Mickelson making a few slick shots and going on to victory. He immediately went over to hug said wife who was only strong enough to make it to the course that day and still had to just sit at the 18th hole because she couldn't walk the full thing. It was a Hollywood moment.

Meanwhile, there was Tiger, looking miffed and being very short with the interviewers after the match. Apparently all of this Zen Buddism that Tiger had once again embraced wasn't making him very happy.

So naturally, the story was about the family guy with a cancer riddled wife beating his arch rival who was out with whores while his wife waited unsuspectingly at home. That was the natural progression of things.

I've read Facebook messages and have already seen the backlash against the good triumphs over evil storyline. I understand. First of all, it's Tiger. Most of us want to see him and the golf ratings show that. Secondly, the story is way too black and white. It wasn't Ghandi beating Osama Bin Laden. They were two rival golfers. One beat the other. That's what happens.

Well, get used to it. Tiger brought it on himself with his actions and he will be part of these type of comparisons for a while whenever he's beaten by a seemingly decent man. Call it his pennance. It's the storyline and whining about it won't help anything.

It's what sports moments are all about.

If We Had Only Listened To The Asians

While everyone in the U.S. discussed the possibilities of what might have caused Tiger Woods to wreck his SUV, the Asians weren't fooled for a minute and gave us Cyber Woods:





Damn. Those Asians stay a step ahead.

A Tribute To Brendan Jones

I feel we need to recognize the athlete that becomes the sacrificial lamb for the greater storyline. After all, Krusty the clown needs his Sideshow Mel to complete the comedy sketches.

Enter Brendan Jones, an Australian golfer who just happened to get the wrong draw at the wrong time.

I'm sure Jones expected a tough day; he was a 16th seed in the Match Play Championship which means he was going to have to beat a top seed to advance. But there are top seeds and then there are gigantic, titanic top seeds.

Seeing your name on the MPC bracket sheet right next to the name Tiger Woods is like being invited to the Academy Awards only to find out you're up against Heath Ledger for best supporting actor.

But Jones handled it like a good sport. He didn't declaim his draw even though he admitted that his sleep habits may have suffered because "you're always thinking the worst when you're lying in bed." In other words, he did his best to put a brave face on as the Tiger tank came blitzkrieging towards him.

And to his credit, Jones didn't embarrass himself. It would have been easy for Jones to go into a downward spiral after he heard the roar of the crowd as Tiger was introduced and the following super fast start by Woods that included a birdie and eagle on the first two holes. It would have been simple to get into it with the obnoxious spectator that vocally anticipated a complete blowout.

Jones remained professional though and at the end of the day he had lost, but not by too terribly much. Jones even managed a joke afterward, saying "when he got four-up with four to play, I told people that's where I wanted him, but it didn't work out that way."

Sure, a loss is a loss. And Jones probably wasn't real happy with his draw, especially after seeing that half of the top seeds were actually upset in the first round. But he handled his role of lion to the Tiger gladiator with class. And even though he may have gotten a win had he played someone else, he can now be certain that his name will be printed on trivial pursuit cards for years.

The Iceman Cometh Backeth

Yes, everyone in the golf industry can breathe a sigh of relief as their black knight in shining Under Armor (well, Nike) prepares for his return to the sport that he rules with an iron fist.

I'm happy Eldrick is coming back, but I can't get over one major issue I have....

It's golf.

Tiger's absence only made us painfully aware of what golf is, which is a bunch of white guys wandering around on a meticulously manicured lawn while the spectators stand around in tents drinking vodka and hobnobbing while the women show off their jewelry and fake boobs.

I know the sport is popular and I've tried to give it a shot, but to no avail. Maybe I don't properly appreciate golf since I don't play it every day, but everything I enjoy about sports; the electricity of the crowd before a big game, team play, feats of athletic prowess that confound me, does not exist in golf.

I know it's very hard to hit a golf ball, it's a skill. It's also a skill to multi-task at work, but you don't see people lining up to commentate on that.

So congratulations, golf. The king has returned. You'd better hope he doesn't leave again for a long time, or people might remember that golf is an activity for business moguls to participate in while either peculating investor money or brokering deals that will lead our country into the next big recession.

Tiger Woods y'all!