PantsCast May 9 2011

We finally get to review the NFL Draft in our own simplistic sort of way (aka NOT like Mel Kiper), we discuss the happiest day of my NBA watching existence, and one of the more bizarre What's Wrong With Humans. That's saying something.

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NFL Draft PantsCast 2011

Sure you read the mock drafts and you watched the first round. Now hear the PantsCast compress a three and a half hour draft into an hour and eighteen minutes. It's part football talk, part short attention span theater.

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PantsCast April 18 2011

Who to root for in the NBA playoffs, NFL Draft preview and JaMarcus Russell time! Plus, a person who gets punished for moving too much on What's Wrong With Humans.

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PantsCast April 6

Final thoughts on the worst college basketball game in history, Opening Day, personal assaults on Cam Newton, and the dangers of closing a laptop computer in "What's Wrong With Humans."

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Who Were Those Guys?

If you read the grades from the NFL draft last week, you will notice that no one agrees on much.

Some writers gave Seattle an A+ while others say the Seahawks' draft was overrated. I've seen San Francisco get two thumbs up for spending early picks on fixing the team's offensive line while others claim the 49ers reached to get their picks.

The grades vary so greatly that you have to wonder if everyone was watching the same draft and who is right and who should never be taken seriously as a draft prognosticator.

The only thing I noticed most draft sites agreeing on is that the Raiders had a good draft.

I'll repeat that: the RAIDERS had a good draft.

What the hell is going on here? I was looking forward to the comedic value that is a Raiders draft. You say there are three players that would be a smart pick at this point in the draft? Well, the Raiders aren't picking any of them. They're picking a lettuce shredder at Taco Bell who ran a 4.2 second 40 yard dash when he accidentally lit himself on fire at the Tortada station.

It's been a highlight of the draft for a decade: guess who's going where and then watch the Raiders throw the entire draft into flux when they make a completely boneheaded pick that no one can see coming. As the Raiders approached their turn to draft, my friends and I began throwing out over/unders on how random their pick would be. It's like being at the office Christmas party and seeing which gag gift you end up with.

And then Oakland goes off and does something totally logical and normal. I feel so empty and unsatisfied. Rolando McClain is a solid pick for a middle linebacker and a team leader the Raiders have so desperately needed. They got Lamar Houston to fill in a defensive tackle spot and add some extra help to one of the worst run defenses in the league.

Then came the big move: the Raiders traded starting quarterback and resident fat ass JaMarcus Russell for team leader and hard worker Jason Campbell. Suddenly, the Raiders came to grips with the fact that they had the laziest bust of a quarterback jiggling his belly behind center. Before, you could look at Russell and feel safe knowing that he would personally blow four or five games for Oakland since he doesn't understand how to read a defense (and doesn't bother to learn.)

Now, they have a quarterback that has been yanked around every year while he was in Washington despite his admirable work ethic and you can't help but root for the guy. It's like the Raiders have suddenly bought a computer instead of stubbornly relying on the 1965 typewriter...basically, they got a clue.

I feel confused and alarmed by this. Before, I could always count on the Raiders being the benchmark for futility in the modern NFL. If you had a worse record than Oakland, your team needed to change. Now, the Raiders might actually build something good. And a whole generation of football fans will question reality.

Domination

So had did the NFL Draft's first attempt at prime time television go?

The answer is not good enough to stop the CBS steamroll going on during Thursday nights (Survivor followed by CSI and the Mentalist), but pretty damn good.

In fact, if it were listed on the prime time Nielsen ratings, it would have come in third place. Not bad for a program that only shows draft picks walking up to a podium followed by game film and a bunch of people deciding how smart a team was for selecting him.

When you put the NFL Draft only up against other sporting events, it absolutely destroys the competition. Baseball is only a few weeks into a long season, so that's understandable.

The NBA, however, should worry. Viewers chose to watch the draft over the NBA playoffs by a 2 to 1 and sometimes 3 to 1 margin. This is the NBA postseason. This should be the pinnacle of the league. Yet it gets smoked by a show about a draft. The NHL playoffs got crushed as well, but nobody is surprised anymore when hockey ratings don't do well.

We all know the NFL dominates sports ratings, but this discovery is a crushing blow to pro basketball in America. Remember a decade ago when Michael Jordan helped the NBA creep up on baseball (still in the post-strike slump) for second place on the American sports landscape? Things looked bright for the future of basketball.

Then Jordan retired and the league couldn't replace him no matter how many personalities it shoved down our throats. Allen Iverson had too many tattoos and he didn't like PRACTICE! (We here talkin about practice!) Shaq was viewed as just a giant guy who bulldozed his way to the basket, Kobe was an ego-maniac who was accused of rape, Tim Duncan has the personality of a door knob, and players were simply viewed as less interested in winning and more interested in their tricked out rides and their group of buddies walking around in chains and sunglasses.

Don't get me wrong, David Stern has done wonders expanding the NBA to a world-wide audience and making it a true international sport.

Here in America though, the people have spoken. And they have said that the NBA isn't that important.

2010 NFL Mock Draft

I'll be up front and honest: this mock draft will be incorrect. Every mock draft you read will be incorrect. It's impossible to guess a draft when every team involved is intentionally throwing out smokescreens to hide what they're really doing.

That being said, at least you can be familiar with the names being read when the NFL Draft hits prime time on April 22.

I had my friend Alastair pick half the teams in this draft just to have another person involved. He threw me some curve balls and had guys going to teams that I don't agree with. That's the point though, the NFL Draft will never go according to plan, so I had to take the best available guy who remained instead of creating a perfect little package that made sense to my little dinosaur brain.

The result is this incorrect 2010 NFL Mock Draft. Enjoy. I SAID ENJOY! (shaking fist)

1. ST. LOUIS RAMS - Sam Bradford, QB Oklahoma

Quarterback is one of the Rams' various needs, and with the equally undesirable Kyle Boller and Marc Bulger out of the picture, all signs point to Bradford. Clearly the question marks about his injured shoulder (which held him out of 10 games this past season) have been answered, and St. Louis has seen enough from the 2008 Heisman Trophy winner.

2. DETROIT LIONS - Ndamukong Suh, DT Nebraska

If you watched the Big 12 Championship Game, you know what a beast this guy can be. Suh was all over Colt McCoy and the Texas offensive line in that game, showcasing himself as a potentially dominant force in the NFL. I know Detroit probably wants to take a wide receiver, but even the Lions can't screw up this pick.

3. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS - Gerald McCoy, DT Oklahoma

The Bucs' secondary looks pretty solid, but they had the worst run defense in the entire league last season, and that will undoubtedly be their main focus. McCoy is the anchor Tampa needs along the defensive line, and will significantly help what was once a proud defensive franchise.

4. WASHINGTON REDSKINS - Russell Okung, OT Oklahoma State

If you trade for a 33-year-old Donovan McNabb, you'd better be sure you can protect him. The Redskins' complete focus in this year's draft should be on offense, where they ranked 26th in the NFL last season. Jason Campbell was sacked a whopping 43 times last year, and he's known as a somewhat mobile QB. He's also now a backup whom 'Skins fans will never want to see on the field again.

5. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS - Bryan Bulaga, OT Iowa

In terms of offensive tackles, he and Okung are touted as the two surest bets in the draft. The natural inclination is to think of fellow Hawkeye Robert Gallery, a bust of a tackle drafted 2nd overall in 2004 by the Raiders. The Chiefs will draw no comparison though, and after investing so much of their offensive future in Matt Cassel, the position of need is obvious.

6. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Dez Bryant, WR Oklahoma State

He's easily the X-factor of the draft: Undeniable talent on the field, but potentially a project off the field. Bryant has been criticized for his lack of "life skills" (showing up late to practice and games), but it's not like he's a criminal. Still, it will take some level of risk for the team which selects him. If he gets it together though, he would look mighty fine across from T.J. Houshmanzadeh, and the window on Matt Hasselbeck is slowly closing.

7. CLEVELAND BROWNS - Eric Berry, S Tennessee

Berry has drawn comparisons to Ed Reed, and while the Browns clearly need to find their quarterback of the future, they can't afford to keep missing on 1st round selections. Of its last 11 1st round picks, only 2 remain on Cleveland's roster. Mike Holmgren has considered moving up for a chance at Sam Bradford, but seemingly every other QB is being looked at with an air of caution. The secondary of the NFL's 2nd worst defense from 2009 could use a quarterback just as bad.

8. OAKLAND RAIDERS - Trent Williams, OT Oklahoma

Some have Clausen going here, but the sting of JaMarcus Russell is still wearing off in Oakland and even Al Davis might be a little gun-shy on a QB. The Raiders might as well prepare for the prospect of someday having a quarterback worth protecting. Williams helped to turn Sam Bradford into the probable #1 overall pick, and hopefully he works out better than the aforementioned Gallery (hey, it can't go worse...).

9. BUFFALO BILLS - Jimmy Clausen, QB Notre Dame

There's a new head coach in Orchard Park (Chan Gailey), which often means a little house cleaning is in order. I think it's safe to say that Trent Edwards isn't the answer under center, and Clausen seems to have the most upside of any QB not named Sam Bradford (even though I love Colt McCoy). His biggest issue around the league is arrogance, but in an NFL QB, I'm not so sure that's a bad thing.

10. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS - Jason Pierre-Paul, DE South Florida

The Jaguars have issues that extend far beyond the field. More specifically, they can't sell tickets, which is why some suggest Clemson running back C.J. Spiller in this spot. He's a home-run-hitter who would complement the steady, bowling ball known as Maurice Jones-Drew. However, the Jags desperately need a pass rusher, and despite having only 7 collegiate starts under his belt, Pierre-Paul played just down the road in Tampa and is a very intriguing DE prospect.

11. DENVER BRONCOS - Rolando McClain, LB Alabama

Trading Brandon Marshall clearly leaves a gaping hole at WR for the Broncos, but even if Dez Bryant is still available, does Josh McDaniels really want another headache out there? McClain anchored a championship defense at Alabama, and he's the cream of the crop at possibly the weakest position in the draft: Inside Linebacker. He'd be an ideal complement to D.J. Williams in the 3-4 scheme.

12. MIAMI DOLPHINS - Dan Williams, DT Tennessee

Miami basically needs a fat guy to clog the middle and take up blockers. Enter the 327 pound Williams, who would be almost guaranteed to start from day 1 with Jason Ferguson suspended for the first 8 games of the season. Outside linebacker (a position filled by veterans of late) is also a possibility, but the Dolphins' priority is perhaps more clear than any other team.

13. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS - Joe Haden, CB Florida

Nate Clements hasn't really lived up to his contract in the Bay Area, he's now on the wrong side of 30, and Haden is the consensus best cornerback in the draft. The Niners own picks #13 and #17 in the 1st round, so they can go after a right tackle or another skill position in just a few selections.

14. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS - Anthony Davis, OT Rutgers

Walter Jones is 36 years old, coming back from 2 knee surgeries, and hasn't played a snap since Thanksgiving Day 2008. He used to be arguably the best tackle in the game, but needless to say a changing of the guard (in this case tackle, but a guard wouldn't hurt either) is necessary. Seattle allowed 49 sacks last year, and Matt Hasselbeck should fear for his life.

15. NEW YORK GIANTS - Earl Thomas, S Texas

I'll be honest, this pick makes little sense given the fact that the Giants have already signed Antrel Rolle and Deon Grant as safeties in the off-season. However, Rolle can play corner, and Grant was only locked up for one year. Plus, if every team drafted based on need, then mock drafts would be far more reliable.

16. TENNESSEE TITANS - Derrick Morgan, DE Georgia Tech

Morgan racked up 12.5 sacks in his Junior season at Georgia Tech and barely had any help in doing so. The Titans lost Kyle Vanden Bosch to free agency (seems like he was in Tennessee forever) and have a clear need at defensive end. It wouldn't kill Tennessee to get a decent wideout for Vince Young, but that will have to wait until later rounds.

17. SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS - C.J. Spiller, RB Clemson

If Spiller is still there at the 49ers second pick, Mike Singletary will headbutt someone to celebrate. Sure San Francisco needs a cornerback, but since Haden is gone, he'll "settle" for the best running back in the draft. The knock on Spiller is that he's more of a change of pace back that can break open a game, but isn't a 25 carry guy. Well, Frank Gore will take care of that. Just wind up Spiller and let him go.

18. PITTSBURGH STEELERS - Mike Iupati, OG Idaho

The Steelers could really use a corner, but Joe Haden is gone and the second rated guy, Kyle Wilson, is not known as a physical defender. That doesn't sound like it would fly in Pittsburgh. So it comes down to a decision between Maurkice Pouncey and Iupati to fill an offensive line spot. Pouncey is more highly rated, but he's not the road grater that Iupati is. Hence, the Steelers go with the nastier guy.

19. ATLANTA FALCONS - Brandon Graham, DE Michigan

Graham is short for a defensive end (he's 6'1" and he's considered "short", doesn't that make you sick?) But he can rush the passer and the Falcons sucked at that last year. Picking Graham allows the Falcons to move Jamaal Anderson around to a place where he doesn't rush the passer as much. Because he clearly isn't good at that.

20. HOUSTON TEXANS - Kyle Wilson, CB Boise State

And the great Indianapolis chase continues. Houston got shredded... again... by Peyton Manning last year. Then their best corner, Dunta Robinson, left for Atlanta. (Quick aside: how many different ways can you spell the name Dante? I can think of four off the top of my head.) So Houston grabs a pass defender here to try and stop the bleeding. Lots of people think the Texans will get a big back like Ryan Matthews here, but you can get runners later in a draft; good corners go quickly.

21. CINCINNATI BENGALS - Jermaine Gresham, TE Oklahoma

I keep thinking that the Bengals won't invest in a tight end since they don't use that position much. Then again, the Bengals have never had an elite tight end to use. The Bengals need a big red zone target now that Chris Henry is currently not alive and Gresham is a big, athletic guy who can take pass defenders away from Chad Ochocinco.

22. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS - Jared Odrick, DT Penn State

Who the hell knows what the Pats will do? Chances are they'll trade down and pick up even more draft picks, but since we aren't doing that on this mock draft, they'll stay put. I'll go with what I know: New England traded away defensive end Richard Seymour last year, the defense had trouble, and Odrick is a big guy that can take over that end spot. Plus, Odrick is a Joe Pa guy which means you can teach him.

23. GREEN BAY PACKERS - Maurkice Pouncey, C Florida

Did anyone see the beating Aaron Rodgers took last year? The Packers could upgrade any offensive line position, so they take the highest rated lineman in the draft. Pouncey can play guard or center. The Packers only wish he could play both at the same time.

24. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES - Taylor Mays, S USC

The Eagles usually take big guys with their first rounders, but the top linemen are all off the board and Philly has major issues at safety now that Brian Dawkins is gone. Mays has some question marks, but he's big and he's fast. The Eagles got shredded by Dallas last year, so it's time to tighten up that D.

25. BALTIMORE RAVENS - Everson Griffen, DE USC

Ravens also need a corner, but GM Ozzie Newsome is well known for just grabbing the best player around and most boards have Griffen rated above any of the corners who are left. The Ravens could use a defensive end and Griffen is an athletic one.

26. ARIZONA CARDINALS - Sergio Kindle, OLB Texas

The Cardinals need an inside linebacker more, but the Cardinals can't pass on a talent like Kindle. He can learn behind Joey Porter and then when Porter's mouth gets him cut, Kindle can take over.

27. DALLAS COWBOYS - Roger Saffold, LT Indiana

Saffold has been shooting up draft boards recently and the Cowboys need a tackle. If they have a corner rated higher, they could go in that direction, but Saffold will fill a big need and he's a big man (something the Cowboys like on the offensive line.)

28. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS - Ryan Matthews, RB Fresno State

L.T. is gone and Darren Sproles is a scat back type. Matthews is the best big back in the draft and the Chargers won't hesitate in grabbing him to team with Sproles.

29. NEW YORK JETS - Jerry Hughes, OLB TCU

The Jets traded to get Mark Sanchez some help at receiver, now it's time to make Rex Ryan's defense more frightening. Hughes will have to make a transition to outside linebacker from defensive end, but no one doubts that he can rush the passer.

30. MINNESOTA VIKINGS - Devin McCourty, CB Rutgers

The Vikings are just sitting there waiting to see what falls to them and they decide to grab a corner. We all saw what Drew Brees did to the Vikings' secondary during the NFC Championship game. Minnesota is trying to close up the remaining defensive holes in order to make a championship run... if Grandpa Favre returns.

31. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS - Brian Price, DT UCLA

The Colts can always use big bodies on the defensive line as their quest to stop the run better continues. Price is a 300 pounder who will eat up space and let those Colts defensive ends create havoc.

32. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS - Sean Weatherspoon, LB Missouri

This is the best possible scenario for the Saints. Not only is Weatherspoon the best player still available, but he plays a position of need for the Saints. Plus he wore black and gold in college! Whoopie! Happy times all around on Bourbon Street!

Hmmm. So that's the mock draft. I looked at some of Alastair's picks and went "wha?!" I'm sure he did the same with some of mine.

We both agree, however, that these are most of the names that you will hear in the first round on Thursday night. The order may be different, but the players will remain the same. Hooray! NFL Christmas is almost here!

Mr. Bradford Sees His Future. And It's Not Pretty

There is rampant speculation now that the St. Louis Rams will take QB Sam Bradford with the first pick of the NFL Draft later this month.

It makes sense. The Rams desperately need a quarterback and Bradford had a great workout to solidify himself as the top signal caller of the draft.

But what awaits Sam I Am? Sure, a crappy team, but we all knew that. How about a crappy team with this in it's history?



Sorry Sam. Good luck.

You Owe This Man An Apology

His name is Charlie Casserly and if that name sounds familiar, it's probably because you were making fun of him a few years ago.

Casserly was the general manager of the Houston Texans when he made what was considered one of the all-time draft choice blunders in recent NFL history. He passed on Heisman Trophy winning superback Reggie Bush and Texas legend Vince Young in order to take some dude named Mario Williams with the first pick of the NFL draft.

Casserly told us that Williams, a 6'6" athletic defensive end, was a better fit for the NFL and would be more helpful to Texans in the long run since the team had to play Peyton Manning twice a year. He might as well have been talking to an angry mob.

Houston fans booed the pick. Writers used the pick as an example of idiot franchises picking a guy who was big and fast over players that could actually play the game of football. Did Casserly not see Bush launch himself into the endzone from five yards out? Did he not watch Young will his Texas team to an upset win over Bush's USC team in the championship game? C'mon, Charlie!

The fallout after the draft actually drove Casserly to leave the Texans organization a month later. Maybe he deserved to go for some terrible decisions, but not for his most widely criticized one.

After you vet the careers of Williams, Bush, and Young, you see that Casserly was dead on about that draft. Bush is a platoon back in New Orleans who is garunteed to miss several games a year due to injury and to make the papers about a small pile of infractions he was a part of while at USC.

Young, meanwhile, insists that he will be in the NFL Hall of Fame at some point. It's nice to know he still believes in himself, but I'm pretty sure you have to start at quarterback for your team before the Hall of Fame will consider you. He's stuck on the bench.

Williams? He made the Pro-Bowl last year while starting all 16 games. He has double digit sacks over the past two seasons and if Houston ever got a secondary, he'd probably be part of a pretty good defense.

Casserly works for the NFL Network these days and though he doesn't talk about the draft publicly, he must smile every time he sees his man Williams notch another sack as the Houston faithful cheer. He told you so.

Prime Time?

Today we found out that the NFL is changing the schedule of the NFL draft. For years the first three rounds of the draft have been held on a Saturday in April while the remaining rounds are finished up on Sunday.

It made sense. Any of the crazy fans who actually wanted to make the trip to New York just to hear a man read off player names (okay it's me), they could arrange a trip to the Big Apple in order to party with....themselves.

In all honesty, there is very little as fun and crazy as the NFL Draft. Fans of every team are lined up, all discussing the draft and how it would be JUST PEACHY if this player fell in the draft to their team. Groups of similar jersey's gather and discuss the needs of the team while booing anyone who walks by in an opposing jersey. It really is wonderful.

This is why I'm a bit skeptical of the NFL's decision to now hold the first round of the NFL draft on a Thursday night. Usually I'm very supportive of the NFL's protean manner when it comes to televising the sport. Monday night, Thursday night, Saturday night, hell, give it to me every day of the week. Yet, I worry about this decision. Sure, it's prime time, but will the prime television slot make up for the lost fans who won't be able to swing going to New York on a school night?

And is the NFL draft ready for a prime time slot? Saturdays don't tend to have a lot of competition for the NFL. You basically choose between the draft or a rerun of What's Happening. Thursday night has Grey's Anatomy, Survivor, The Office, and the Juggernaut of CSI.

NFL fans may not care about these other choices, but I can't imagine married households coming to an agreement to watch the NFL Draft over some of these other prime-time shows.

My guess is that the NFL Draft will become a stop down for most people. They'll watch another show and then during the commercials, they'll switch over to see which criminal player the Bengals just took.

It's probably the most logical way to watch the draft, but for NFL fans, this no way to go about it. The Saturday of the NFL Draft is like NFL Christmas. Fans from all over gather around the T.V. with a drink or twelve and ohhh and ahhhhh over each team's pick. Well, except for the Raiders pick which is usually greeted by a "BWAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!!!! Idiots!"

I'm not one to argue with the well-oiled machine that is the NFL. For all I know, this time move will open up the draft a whole legion of new fans that were out being busy bodies on Saturday. I just worry that the hardcore NFLer that makes up the backbone of the league will be denied their weekend in the sun.

The 2009 NFL Draft Pantscast Is Here! Rejoice!

I never realized what a difficult and lugubrious task it would be for me to find a URL address for my podcast (I've had to come to terms with my computer stupidity.) But I did it and now I can provide you with the SportsPants NFL Draft coverage only a week and a half after the draft is over! What a quick turn around!

You can either click on the title link to this post or go to this link to listen.

If you take anything with you from this pantscast, know that Big Bird is a Saints fan.


Screw me.

NFL Draft Talk FINALLY.

I am back to a computer again! I managed to avoid the swine flu for today and can therefore share my very unprofessional notes from the NFL Draft.

I was at the draft and made notes on the first round picks. These weren't notes taken by a draft expert who will take credit for picks that turn out well, but will somehow avoid any contact with high picks on their board that didn't pan out so well.

No, these are notes from the perspective of a football fan who only knows what he reads in the paper and sees on the picture box and can laugh at the risible picks made by the Raiders and grumble to himself as the next Patriots pick becomes a Pro-Bowler.

Let us look back at my draft notes*

*notes were made whilst consuming multiple beers, so they may not always make sense. But they did in my head at the time.

1ST ROUND PICKS:

Detroit Lions-Matthew Stafford: Everyone knew this one. Fans boo. Stafford says in an interview that "I'm just going to put my nose to the ground and work." My friend Joe asks "what is he doing, sniffing for truffles?" Maybe he is. And he'll be paid over $40 million to do so. No wonder truffle oil is so expensive.

St. Louis Rams- Jason Smith: We found ourselves a crier, but nothing compared to Vernon Davis a few years ago. I find it odd that a player from Baylor, which is a Baptist university, is going to the home city of Budweiser beer. Something's gotta give. At least he didn't go to BYU. Looking at the Rams hat he's wearing. Joe comments on NFL insignias that go "whoosh" like the Patriots and Seahawks logo. We'll need to discuss later.

Kansas City Chiefs- Tyson Jackson: I guess Scott Pioli is taking that Patriots creed of "pick someone who isn't on the draft boards and turn him into a Pro-Bowler" with him to K.C. Either Dr. Jellyfinger has just given an anal probe to Aaron Curry, or Curry is flabbergasted that the Chiefs didn't pick him.

Seattle Seahawks- Aaron Curry: Another crier and Curry isn't stopping the waterworks. Great pick for Seattle...Curry is a good fit there. My God that green Seattle hat is the most awful thing I've seen in a while. It looks toxic.

Side Note: We watched the draft on NFL Network so that we could avoid as much ESPN as possible. And Deion Sanders is working there.

Deion is killing me. Stop asking what they're going to do with the money. They will all thank God and buy their parent's a house. Now go home Deion.

New York Jets- Mark Sanchez: JETS TRADE WITH BROWNS! WOW! Mangini trades with his old team. Sanchez is a Jet. WOW WOW WOW. Mangini got players he liked and a couple of picks. All in all, it worked out well for the Jets considering how high up they moved. Screw you Redskins. Now deal with an angry Jason Campbell.

Cincy Bengals - Andre Smith: Makes TOTAL sense. Idiot goes to the ground zero of morons.

Oakland Raiders- Darius Heyward Bay: I....can't....stop.....laughing.......they.....are.....so......Raiderifically stupid...........Heyward Bay is a big, fast receiver from Maryland who can't catch. Vernon Davis anyone?

Jacksonville Jaguars- Eugene Monroe: He fell. Solid pick. Anyone who had Maurice Jones Drew or David Garrard on their fantasy team last year knows the Jags need linemen bad. Crabtree is still on the board.

Green Bay Packers- B.J. Raji: They really need a fatty to plug things up with Adrian Peterson and Matt Forte in the division. My girlfriend loves the fat players, kickers, and players from University of Colorado. She would be a Packers fan if that team wasn't in Wisconsin.

San Francisco-Michael Crabtree: Finally! I bet Singletary has pulled his pants down again after this pick. Crabtree is an extremely productive college player who was marked down for being a system receiver and for lacking top end speed. Sounds like Jerry Rice's draft report. He worked out pretty well.

Buffalo Bills- Aaron Maybin: Needed the pass rush help. I think they took Maybin because he's from Penn State and won't be as shocked with the Buffalo weather. Plus, the Bills fans love Penn State linebacker Paul Posluszny and therefore the pick can be a P.R. move to counter the eventual P.R. disaster provided by Terrell Owens at some point.

Denver Broncos- Knowshon Moreno: Mike Shanahan is rolling over in his grave right now. Wait, he's not dead. Well, he's just gnawing on a piece of lumber then. I love Moreno, but did anyone see the Denver defense last year? Can Moreno play nose tackle? Get ready for some 51-49 AFL type game at Mile High this year.

Washington Redskins- Brian Orakpo: Damnit. As a Texas fan, I was hoping Orakpo wouldn't go to the Skins. Now I must root for his failure. And Texas can't really afford anymore first round busts. I'm screwed.

New Orleans Saints- Malcolm Jenkins: Saints could have drafted a lowland gorilla and it would have upgraded the secondary. I expect the Saints to go after a set of crutches for Reggie Bush in the next round.

Houston Texans- Brian Cushing: First USC linebacker to go. Cushing now will be swallowed up by the black hole that his the high draft pick laden, yet underachieving Texans defense. Serves Cushing right. I hate players that go cross-country to a school to be at a top program. I don't know why, but it bothers me. There are plenty of schools between New Jersey and USC that Cushing could have gone to.

San Diego Chargers- Larry English: Seems like an odd pick to me, but my friend Joe says just sit back and let A.J. Smith work. Okay, but the Chargers still don't have a Super Bowl title to show.

Tampa Bay Bucs- Josh Freeman: They were interested in him the whole time. Does he have a twin brother? Does that brother not play football? How odd. And there is Jon Gruden who was fired for not settling on a quarterback. He's at the NFL Network now. Looks pissed. But that's how he always looks.

Denver Broncos- Robert Ayers: Ah, a defensive pick. I guess that will be useful.

Philly Eagles- Jeremy Maclin: How the hell did Maclin fall this far? Well, D-Nabb has his receivers now. My only hope is that the Eagles get the receivers up and running only to have D-Nabb leave. That would be funny and the bastard Philly fan deserves it.

Detroit Lions- Brandon Pettigrew: I thought the Lions would go defense, but I guess they're trying to get Stafford a security blanket to throw to as his line lets in five different rushers to kill him.

Cleveland Browns- Alex Mack: Huh. A center. Well, the Browns d0 need help there. He'll get a staph infection at some point.

Minnesota Vikings- Percy Harvin: This could be a huge pick. He's a game breaker. Just don't let him near a party boat.

Baltimore Ravens- Michael Oher: Again! Why do great players keep falling to teams I hate? At least Rey Maualuga didn't go. I couldn't handle that.

Atlanta Falcons- Peria Jerry: Good defensive tackles are hard to find. I'm drunk now and that's really all I can say.

Miami Dolphins- Vontae Davis: Vernon's brother. At least he's across the country so Vernon's suckiness won't wear off on him.

Green Bay Packers- Clay Matthews Jr III: Matthews continues his family NFL tradition of playing football in beautiful southern Cal only to be drafted by a mid-western team that plays in cold and nasty weather. At least his uncle Bruce made it to Houston.

Indianapolis Colts- Donald Brown: Well, that's the end of Joseph Addai's fantasy appeal. Brown seems like a good guy. He belongs on the Colts.

Buffalo Bills- Eric Wood: I'm not even going to pretend I care.

New York Giants- Hakeem Nicks: Crap. Solid pick. I like Nicks. Good job Giants. Damnit.

Tennessee Titans- Kenny Britt: The Titans need wideout help. And who would give a franchise tag to Bo Scaife? What's going on there?

Arizona Cardinals- Beanie Wells: I don't even recognize the Cardinals anymore. A good pick late in the round. Bye Bye Edge.

Pittsburgh Steelers- Evander Hood: Sure. Why not. I need some water.....

So there is my notes from the first round of the NFL draft. I will hopefully have my podcast up soon. By soon I mean before the end of May at my current rate. Timely, huh?

I Googled NFL Draft 2009 And Got This...

I think the Raiders drafted him in the second round because they heard he could climb New York buildings and crush cars. Al Davis didn't seem worried that he would melt under the sun and was petrified of s'mores.

Well, I just returned from the NFL Draft with some audio that I will post soon, but I'm stuck in L.A. without my computer, so I must ask you to wait a few days before I deliver the goods.

I know, terrible idea right? I'll apologize to all six people who read this in the future.

Happy NFL New Year.

Mocking Drafts

I'm off to the large apple tomorrow to visit my friends and one NFL draft. Here are some of the mock drafts from some of the major names. Let's see who gets it closest to correct.

It's nearly impossible to predict the NFL draft beforehand because of trades and sudden news like Percy Harvin failing a drug test, so this is not my invidious way of making fun of draft experts.

Unless it's Mel Kiper Jr. That guy is a total douche.

Here are your players:

Rick Gosselin: writer for the Dallas Morning News and a big time know-it-all of all things draft.

Peter King: Sports Illustrated. Loves to regale with NFL tales, but his breath reeks of coffee. And his teeth are stained. So it's hard to be regaled by the regaler.

Evan Silva: He of Rotoworld fame. Not sure if he's drafting as he thinks about his fantasy team, but he's in the know.

Ourlads: Some of the most in depth analysis of the NFL Draft. Still can't predict future though. Or can they? No, I'm pretty sure they can't.

NFL Network talking heads: These four are the guys that give you their mock drafts. I don't think any of them hold a candle to Mike Mayock who loves to lisp the term "in ssspace".

And, of course, our two favorite ESPN talking butt-wads:

Todd McShay: not so bad

Mel Kiper Jr.- takes himself WAY too seriously and just seems like a stuffy person who could have been president of the Young Republicans in college.

You will notice that only the ESPN "experts" don't give you the whole first round of the draft unless you pay them. Yay Disney!

So there you go. That's what the experts say. Let's see how close they are. And most of all, let's get hammered and watch large men in suits stand up on a stage for seven hours.

NFL Draft is coming!

Smile, You're Draft Stock Has Just Been Whammied!

We are just a few measly days away from NFL Christmas where every team gets to open up their presents and see which new players will turn around the franchise or send it down in flames.

For the past months, potential draft picks have been subjected to ridiculous amounts of testing, prodding, poking, and performance. It's much like stories I've heard about sorority hazing in college sans the tears. Scouts will mark a prospect down if his hands aren't big enough, he has allergies, he tends to like candy apples....any peccadillo will get a big red "X".

And they will definitely mark a prospect down if he fails a drug test. No other bit of information can send a high end prospect tumbling in the draft (just ask Warren Sapp about that.)

So what happens when reporters are wrong about failed tests? Most legit news sources tend to fact check their sources before going public (with the exception of ESPN who tends to put being first ahead of petty things like being correct), but bloggers don't have to follow that lead.

Obviously if a blogger is wrong too often, they lose all credibility, but tell that to B.J. Raji who was a sure-fire top 10 pick before he allegedly failed a drug test. And when a site called the NFL Bible drops a news hit, people tend to listen. Raji maintains his innocence, but we've heard that before. Every player denies wrong doing until they are caught red-handed. It's like a big game to them.

Problem is that Raji is telling the truth. He didn't fail a drug test. Neither did Brian Cushing or Vontae Davis. The NFL Bible has removed the accusations from the website and has issued an apology. The drug allegations shouldn't affect the draft stock of the players. This year.

But what if the NFL Bible didn't come out and admit wrong doing? What if a blogger was a big Redskins fan who wanted Raji to fall to their team at pick 13? Hell, what if a member of a coaching staff decided to just throw some anonymous information out on the web to see if they could get a player they wanted to fall?

Teams are investing millions of dollars in these players and the last thing the team wants is a bust of a pick. All officials need is a hint that there could be a future problem and they will pass on a pick they might have made otherwise.

It's a dangerous environment for these players to conduct job interviews. Warren Sapp would probably agree and I'll believe him. Because he's cocaine free since at least 1994!